Deciding When to Have Sex With a New Guy

You're seeing a new guy and you hit it off really well. Soon, you're facing the age-old question: Is it too soon to have sex with him?

If you listen to comedian/self-proclaimed relationship expert Steve Harvey, a 90-day rule is the best approach. Give the guy a probationary period, Harvey advises in his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Joan on the TV show Girlfriends had a similar rule--no sex before the three-month mark.

And on the VH1 reality show, Tough Love, last week--a show about teaching perpetually single women skills to help them develop healthy dating relationships--there was a brief discussion of how quickly to have sex with men you're dating. One contestant said she usually has sex by/on the first date. Not a good move, advised Tough Love host/matchmaker Steven Ward. 

I asked three guys about this topic--one single, one engaged, and one married man. The overall consensus? Men know after a conversation or two whether a woman is, in their eyes, girlfriend material or a potential jumpoff. And there's not much, if anything, that a woman can do to change that.

Wow, ladies, definitely something to keep in mind.

Engaged Guy says, "It's always going to come down to who a woman actually is and how she carries herself." In other words, the guy feels you out and knows whether you have the potential to be his girlfriend before you even know he's doing it. (READ: So don't waste your time on a guy who is just not that into you.)

Single Guy says that a woman who has sex very early on after meeting a man could still be girlfriend material. And, he says, the quality of sex matters, too. "The girl could be boring in bed," he says, "and that could ruin everything." (READ: So make sure that when you do have sex that you're actually into it--because if you're not, the guy may lose interest anyway.)

Married Guy says he's in favor of some sort of timetable--a 30-, 60-, or 90-day rule. "I think guys lose interest sometimes the earlier it happens," he says. (READ: So play it by ear. Your mileage may vary.)

Another issue I've heard guys complain about is women who tease. So if you're not ready to have sex with a guy, they'd prefer you just say no. Don't get his engine revved up and then back out. One guy told me that he gets annoyed enough by such flip flopping that he's stopped dating women because of it.

As for me, I don't have a "rule" that governs when/if I'll have sex with a man. I trust my instincts, my mind and my gut instead.

TALK BACK: Do you think there is a such thing as having sex with a man too soon? Do you have a "rule" that dictates when you'll have sex?

Why This Picky Lady is Glad I Tried Online Dating

Friends who know me well know that I'm a little picky... OK, maybe a LOT picky.

I don't have a checklist of requirements for Mr. FabFem. But I do know what I like, and more importantly, what I don't like. I like tall guys, not short ones. I like guys with a little edge, but not so much that they're thugs. I like guys with careers, not just a job. A sense of humor, a car and his own roof over his head are a must. Any man who wants to be in my life must at least tolerate my little dog, and he has to want kids. It's OK if he already has a child, but more than one is pushing it. He should dress for the occasion and keep himself looking clean, put together and nice. Pretty teeth, fresh breath, and nice shoes are much appreciated. He should be caring, supportive, family oriented, and confident (maybe even a little cocky). And he can't be possessive or scary or crazy.

So with all of those requirements, many guys get ruled out quickly. But somehow, Handsome Honey is meeting all of them. He's 6'1 with a sexy bald head, a career, a pretty smile, the ability to make me laugh, a house, a nice car, and no kids. He plays with my little poodle, who seems to like him, too (a far cry from Cutie With Attitude, who suggested I get rid of my dog because he doesn't like animals. Ha, not gonna happen). So I'm not complaining... so far. It's still very early, so let's hope it stays that way.

I met Handsome Honey via eHarmony a couple of weeks ago now. We see each other a few times a week. And oddly, I don't even mind hanging out in the house with him on occasion, watching TV or playing Guitar Hero. Strange, because you know that's my pet peeve when it comes to these other random dudes who I wasn't feeling like that.

After meeting Handsome Honey on the cusp of deciding whether to give up online dating, I ultimately decided to take a break after a month of paid membership on eHarmony. But I didn't cancel my subscription because I hated it. On the contrary, I'd say it was worthwhile.

In fact, I think there may be something to eHarmony's claim that it matches you with people with compatible personalities. What else can explain the 7-hour phone conversation Handsome Honey and I had on the very first day we talked? (Yes, I said *seven* hours straight. Crazy, right?) Or the fact that we spent hours together on the first day we met in person? Or that we find each other finishing each other's sentences because we think so much alike?

It's funny to say that now because I was so hesitant to try online dating in the first place. Remember that?

But I gave in, and I'm glad I tried it. I met a crazy (Weed Smoker), a weirdo (E-mail Man) and a loser (Southern Gentleman). But I also met Handsome Honey.

So, um....why didn't someone put me onto this online dating thing a little sooner?

TALK BACK: Are you a picky dater? What is on your list of requirements?

Exes Who Reappear During the Holidays

Every Thanksgiving and Christmas, without fail, I hear from a few exes. That includes the more official exes who were my boyfriends or damn near it, as well as the guys who never made the cut but thought they'd put in a good effort.

On Thanksgiving this year, I received text messages from four guys from my past, wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving, inquiring about my well being, wanting to know if I was celebrating with my family. I replied to them all, but not until late that night. And my answer was simple: "Thanks. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too." After all, no need to imply I wanted to continue the conversation.

The guys who texted me are men you've read about here before: Super Texter, Prince Charming, Mr. Serious, and Cutie With Attitude. Each one offered some variation of the following: "Thinking of you and your family today. Hope you're having a Happy Thankgiving."

Seems harmless, I guess, but it's just so funny to me. For years, Biggest Dog Ever called or texted on the holidays, until he finally got a clue and stopped.

I have to wonder why these guys even bother. Is it an effort to remain on my mind--even if it's only once or twice a year? Is it a twinge of guilt at letting a good one slip away? Is it the hope that one text message might lead to a phone call or maybe more?

Or are they just being friendly, showing they still care? Who knows. These are all guys who I've decided to cut off for one reason or another, and I intend to keep it that way.

TALK BACK: Do you usually hear from your exes during the holiday season? If so, how do you respond?

Meeting Your Man's Single Mama on Turkey Day

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

My good friend is all nerves and inhaling into a brown paper bag right now.  After a real long and tumultuous run as far as relationships are concerned, my friend has finally hit the jackpot. And ironically, while FabFem has been recently talking about the jungle that is online dating, computer love actually did work out in my friend's favor.

So far, my friend--who I'll call Southern Belle--has been on a whirlwind romance with her new beau, who I'll call Mr. Checklist (good job-check, nice car-check, has his own spot, no kids.. you get the idea). They've been going out to restaurants, spending quiet evenings and weekends together, and he was her lone moving man when she moved last month as well. He goes out of his way to surprise her with little gifts to show he cares, and he helps her run errands. He also has no problem telling her just how much she means to him and how he can totally see a future with her.

Naturally a man this smitten was raised right, and naturally a man who knows how to make a woman float around the city as if she's wearing Jimmy Choos made of cotton candy has to have a close, healthy relationship with his mama. So, of course he wants his two favorite women to meet. And meet they will on Thanksgiving.

I've already assured my friend that (1) her warm personality alone is going to win over Mama Checklist. (2) She's a fantastic cook, all she has to do is let Mama Checklist sample some of her food, and it will put Mama Checklist at ease to know this lovely girl can actually make her son a good meal. (3) Let's be real. If you are a real mother who loves her son, the fact that he's so into her and happy should make you happy. SHOULD.

So here's the caveat.

Some folks have said in the past that when meeting Mom, you ESPECIALLY have your work cut out for you if:

He's an only child
He's an only son

I also heard the situation is further amplified if, as in the case with Mr. Checklist, he's an only boy child to a single mother. It's no secret that these relationships can be super tight because both the mother and the son have often depended on one another over the years, and they've seen each other through some really tough times.

Successful sons of single moms often work their hardest to make them happy and feel a proud obligation to help them out as much as they can now that they're grown men. It completely makes sense. I mean, even the most seemingly meanest, toughest rappers who talk about hoes and bitches also rhyme about putting their mothers in mansions and "designer fabrics" once they've made it big. Childhood memories of mama struggling to make ends meet are hard to shake. So I say men who take care of mama, without falling into chronic mama's boy syndrome, are worthy of Shakespearean sonnets being written in their honor.

TALK BACK: What are some good tips for Southern Belle to help her shake those nerves before Turkey Day? And are single mothers with sons really harder to impress, or is that just an urban relationship myth?

Why Prince Charming is Gone After Three Strikes

It turns out my Prince Charming is a toad.

It's a little disappointing because I was such a PC fan. He was sexy, he was cool, he was charming, and he showed up right on time--at my birthday party this year.

PC appeared at the table where my friends and I were sitting that night and asked what each of us were drinking. He and his friend bought all of our drinks (and I had a large group of friends) and delivered them to us on trays. He and I danced all night. I had a ball. 

We exchanged phone numbers and called and texted each other. But soon, I began to suspect that PC was married, engaged or had a girlfriend. He met several of my criteria, such as mostly calling when he was in transit and taking a long time to respond to text messages and phone calls (and coming up with lame excuses for the delay). Eventually I told him about my suspicion. To prove me wrong, he called me when he got home a couple of nights rather than calling me when he was driving.

Hmmmm. Nice try, but not quite good enough.

PC asked me out twice during the month of October. Both times we talked the day before we were supposed to go out. But when the day of our scheduled date arrived, PC disappeared. No call, no text, no nothing. The first time it happened, I think he called a few days later, and I honestly don't recall what his excuse was. The second time, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him for over a week.

That is, until he sent me a text message in early November, asking if I was going to the same party I'd seen him at the month before. I was already planning to go with friends, so I responded to his text to tell him so. That was the night of the PDA. And again, PC and his friend bought drinks for my friends and me all night.

Things seemed temporarily promising. PC started calling and texting daily after that. We planned another date. I told him that since he'd flaked twice already, it'd be nice if he came through this time. But that day arrived, and this time, PC texted me at about 4:30 p.m. (we were supposed to have dinner that evening) to tell me that he wouldn't be able to make it.

He didn't offer a reason, just said he had "responsibilities." I told him that three chances for a date was all he'd get with me, so there wouldn't be any more opportunities. He said something lame in response, something to the effect of he understood and maybe we're better off as friends.

Like I said, this dude is married/engaged/otherwise taken. I'm convinced of it.

My friends asked if I was certain I wanted to cut him off, that maybe it's worth it to hang in there, feign interest, just to get more free drinks.

But honestly, the free drinks don't mean as much to me as my pride and self respect. So, PC, thanks for helping to make my birthday a great one. Deuces.

TALK BACK: How many chances do you give a guy before cutting him off for good?

Yes, I'm Still Single. Can You Please Pass the Turkey?

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

When you're fly and fabulous, the holiday season can be a really great time. You can fill your face with your favorite foods without the usual guilt and get an adrenaline rush by jockeying for position with other shopaholics on Black Friday.

And most importantly, you can catch up with family and friends. 

But there's always a series of questions that come up during holiday family functions that anyone single and older than 25 absolutely dreads.

"So, you're not married yet?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No kids?"

I've got older relatives already phoning in these questions. My mother's cousin shamelessly admitted that she's dying for her two sons, ages 33 and 40, to have children-- even if it means it's out of wedlock. She further admitted that her sons had to call her out on her obsession. They assured her that she'd rather have them procreate with good women worthy of actually being their wives, her old age be damned.

Now, the only possible reason I could come up with for a usually moral, sweet woman who is protective of her "boys" to go temporarily nuts and have such madness come out of her mouth was that it had to be attributed to the fact that last year, she had open heart surgery and even had a tumor taken out of said heart. So since she may be struggling with her mortality these days, I'm going to let it slide.

But still, I totally agree with her sons. I also extend kudos to my cousins for helping her grab a hold of reality real quick to squash that silly talk.

Let's be clear. My cousins are 40 and 33, so yeah, they either need to get on finding that wife, or throw in the towel altogether-- especially the 40-year-old. But as I joked with their mom, men can make a kid when they are 50, 60, 70 and 80. But I get it, I get it, she wants to actually live to see it.

So naturally, she turns the question to me, and I tell her that I'm in the sweet spot age of the late 20s, so I'm not trippin. Then, after taking a deep breath, I explained that I am not yet married, and I have no kids, but I absolutely love my life right now, sans the kids and husband. I'm loving my freedom and I'm taking advantage of it while I can. I continued by saying that I totally look forward to being a mom, but finding the right partner to do this with, as her sons pointed out, was no easy task these days. I told her that I do remain hopeful, but right now, my life is just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. whooo! (Shout out to Mary J!)

TALK BACK: How do you respond when relatives or other well-meaning folks grill you about your marital and/or kid status, especially during the holidays?

5 Online Dating Don'ts for Men

When it comes to online dating, your profile is the sole representation of who you are in a potential mate's eyes. If she doesn't like what she sees, she can ignore you or stop communication altogether.

So for the fellas, here is what NOT to do on your online dating profile:

1. Don't post groupie photos with rappers or celebrities. As a grownup, it's not cool to post a picture of when you met the rapper T.I. I know you're excited, but I don't care, and it makes you look pressed.

2. Don't post a picture of you in front of the Remy Martin graffiti background at the club...especially if you're 36. This is a true story. And this guy's second (and only other photo) was him at the club dancing, throwing his hands up in the air. Enough said.

3. Don't list yourself as a rapper/musician/producer under the category for "profession." I understand if music is your hobby, but do you have a day job? Please list the job that is your primary source of income.

4. Don't post half-naked bathroom mirror cellphone photos. This is not cute. Seriously. Put some clothes on and stop taking pictures in your bathroom. And this applies whether you have a nice body or a whack one. Please leave something to the imagination.

5. Don't only include photos of yourself wearing white T-shirts, wife beaters, sagging pants or hoodies. If I only see pictures of you wearing the aforementioned clothing, I'm inclined to think that you don't own other types of clothes. I'm not saying you have to wear a suit, but what do you wear when you're going someplace casual but nice? If the answer is a white Tee, please grow up.

TALK BACK: What would you add to my list of online dating don'ts for men?

Why I May Hang Up My Online Dating Hat

Nearly a month ago, I decided to give online dating a try. It couldn't hurt, I figured, and it seemed everyone had tried it except me.

And now, nearly a month into my eHarmony subscription, I can say it was worthwhile. But I'm not sure I'm going to renew my membership. I said going into this that I'd give it a shot for a month or two, and I intend to stick to that plan.

In my 3.5 weeks of membership, I had one boring date who deleted me as a friend on Facebook because I wouldn't go to his house, one Weed Smoker who stalked me by text for a few days, and one guy who prefers e-mail over phone conversations (he still hasn't called me).

And last but definitely not least, I had one *great* date that occurred just yesterday, so eHarmony definitely got something right. I was matched with this guy a few days ago, and I thought he was cute, so I sent him an "icebreaker" (a short note that says something like, "Love your smile!") He initiated communication with me when he got my message. We went through the guided communication process within a day or so, and two days ago, we talked on the phone for SEVEN hours. Don't ask me what all we talked about. I don't know. Seems we talked about everything.

Me and this guy, we'll call him Handsome Honey, met up for a late lunch yesterday, and we spent hours together. I was especially impressed early on that when he was running a little bit late, he texted me to let me know. When I didn't reply to his text (I hadn't seen it yet), he called me to make sure I got the message. Why don't other men (*clearing my throat* -- like Super Texter) understand this sort of common courtesy? Handsome Honey has definite potential.

Still, even though I had one good match on eHarmony, I don't know if I want to continue my subscription right now. Quite frankly, online dating is a lot of work. I've heard people say they barely ever get new eHarmony matches, but for some reason, I get five or six new matches every day. I simply don't have the time to thoroughly look at them all. My inbox has 70-plus open matches right now. I think I need an eHarmony break.

TALK BACK: Do you find online dating to be overwhelming at times?

Is It Ever OK to Date Your Ex's Friend?

I used to have a hard and fast rule: If I dated a guy, I'd never date his friend. Never, ever, ever in life. Wasn't going to happen. How dare the friend even try to holla.

But then one day, I found myself in a strange predicament. I dated a guy--we'll call him The Player--who was pretty much a jerk. He tended to talk down to women, and on top of that, he was a whore. He was not my boyfriend--so I use the term, "ex," loosely--but I did date him on and off for less than a year. On two separate occasions during that time period, two of The Player's friends told me that I was too good for him and then they each tried to holla at me. One was his best friend (I shot him down immediately). The other was a guy I'll call Mr. Serious.

I met Mr. Serious while out at a nightclub with a couple of my friends and The Player. At the end of the night, the guys offered to give me a ride to my car so I didn't have to walk by myself.

But here's the thing: The Player disappeared as we were walking to the car, and he wouldn't answer his cellphone. He left me alone with his two friends, who I'd just met that night. I assume that The Player went home with another woman that evening because he would not answer his cellphone when I tried to call to tell him that his friend, Mr. Serious, was trying to holla.

It was quite some time later, perhaps a year or so (when The Player and I were long since over), before Mr. Serious and I started seeing each other. But Mr. Serious is way into his job, like in a working from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. kinda way. He is usually so tired that he's hard to be around at times. So things did not work out for us.

Then I saw him again this weekend, and now he's trying to holla again, in a very direct, no-holds-barred type of way.

He's hitting me with talk of wanting to be with me on a serious tip. He's asking me to give him another chance. Usually, I'd think he's full of it and would dismiss him without hesitation. But this is a guy who took care of me after I had surgery earlier this year (the last time we were dating). And even though he's a workaholic, he took off work to take me to a doctor's appointment that I couldn't drive myself to. Now you know that's saying a lot for a guy who barely leaves the office.

I am hesitant, though, but it's no longer because of The Player. It's because Mr. Serious is an over-the-top workaholic, and I'm not sure I can deal with that. Under most circumstances, I'd be fine with a man who works hard, but if you take your fatigue and stress out on me, it's a different story.

Still, it seems strange to me that the fact that I once dated The Player no longer seems to matter in my eyes when it comes to Mr. Serious. A male friend says that Mr. Serious broke "man code" by trying to talk to me, so he doesn't trust him. But I guess that just isn't a big deal to me. Maybe it's because it's been at least two years since The Player and I were involved. Or perhaps it's because The Player is such a dog that he just has no relevance in my life in a romantic way any longer. We're cool as friends, but that's about it. The question is: Should I give Mr. Serious a real chance? 

TALK BACK: Is it ever OK to date your ex's friend? Please vote in the poll!

A New Pet Peeve: The Guy Who Only E-mails

I think I discovered something worse than the man who texts more often than he calls--a guy who won't text or call. Instead, he prefers e-mail.

WTF.

This is the first I've encountered this phenomenon, and it came to me courtesy of eHarmony. A guy, we'll call him E-mail Man, wants me to meet him for a date. But here's the thing: I really don't want to meet anyone from eHarmony in person who I haven't had a real, live conversation on the phone with first. So I sent him my phone number over a week ago. And instead of calling, he keeps writing me via eHarmony's in-house e-mail system. Yesterday, he sent me a message giving me his personal e-mail address after I suggested that he call me before we meet in person.

I'm really so over him. Seriously.

What is so hard about picking up the phone? I'm not saying it has to be a long conversation, but I very well might hate him, and I'd like to know that before I put effort into going to meet him in person.  

It would be one thing if I'd actually met this guy in person in the first place. But he comes from the anonymous world of online dating, so I want a phone conversation prior to us meeting in person. But after sending him my phone number over a week ago, and mentioning again that I think we should talk on the phone before going on a date--and then having him ignore me, sending me his e-mail address instead--I'm really just so done.

I think I will probably end up not going on a date with him, simply because we barely communicated via eHarmony, except for him to ask me out. I can only hope he'll get a clue and pick up the phone.

TALK BACK: Would you go on a date with someone you met online but you've never spoken with on the phone?