The Ultimate Dealbreaker

I've been accused of having a 'bleeding heart.' I am forgiving--almost too forgiving at times.

But there is one guy--we'll call him Mr. Dick Wackington, Esquire (name coined by guest blogger Nina Lovehall, who can't stand his @ss)--who keeps trying. But he will never ever, and I mean ever, get back into my good graces.

Why, you may ask? Let me explain.

Last year, I had surgery. It was fairly serious and definitely a huge disruption to my life and my freedom. It meant I couldn't drive for 2 months, and I spent some of that time on crutches.

I had been seeing Mr. Wackington for a few months at the time. He promised to check in on me frequently to make sure I was OK. I figured with his help, and with that of some great friends, neighbors, cousins and my dad and brothers, I'd be just fine.

I was almost right. 

My family, neighbors and friends were indeed fantastic. I didn't want or need for anything because they took good care of me.

But Mr. Wackington? He didn't show up for four days after I had surgery. My dad, less than thrilled to see him at that point, still believed him when Mr. Wackington told my dad he'd come back to check on his baby girl when my dad returned home (two hours away) a week later.

But he didn't keep his promise. Instead, Mr. Wackington told me he didn't have time to come check on me. He was going to happy hour instead. And even as I hobbled around on crutches, I told him not to bother coming by on any day if happy hour was more important than making sure I was OK.

And so, Mr. Wackington disappeared for a few months, just long enough for me to recover and get back on my feet. I run into him out and about every couple of months, and every time I see him (and I do mean every, single, flippin' time), he tells me how "beautiful" he thinks I look, how he messed up, and how I should just let him make it up to me. One time, he told me I should let him buy me a drink as part of his "penitence" for what he did. Seriously?

I've responded on more than one occasion that Mr. Wackington can kiss my @ss. Yes, I actually said that, and I've actually said worse, depending on how hard he presses me. Like, he really gets all up in my personal space and has a difficult time taking "no" for an answer.

But it's simple--If he didn't want to be around when I was at my worst, he definitely doesn't deserve me at my best. Most recently, he had a friend lobbying me on his behalf, telling me how very sorry Mr. Wackington is for treating me the way he did, how I could've been The One, etc.

Sigh. Gimme a break.

My dad says that men make mistakes, and I get that. But I can't be with someone who I can't trust to have my back when I need it most. That time period was one of the few times in my life where I felt almost totally dependent on other people. And Mr. Wackington gave me his @ss to kiss, and he was downright mean and nasty about it. Not cool.

So it doesn't matter how many times he apologizes or how "beautiful" he thinks I look now that I've recovered from the surgery and lost a few pounds, to boot. It's a wrap.

*Sings* -- He must not know 'bout me...To the left, to the left.

Talk back: What is your ultimate dealbreaker?

Related: Cleaning House: Cutting Stragglers Off & Starting Anew

Is Courtship Dead?

Courting, according to Webster's Dictionary, means "to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from" and "to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage."

It seems simple, right? A guy who is serious about dating you will court you--in effect, he's showing he's serious about you by taking you on dates *outside of the house,* to public places, as you get to know one another.

As Steve Harvey once said on Oprah in an interview about his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, a "man with a plan" wants to court you. He knows from early on--maybe even your first meeting or phone conversation--what his intentions are for you. If he sees the possibility of getting serious with you, he courts you. Plain and simple.

I will admit that I thought courtship was nearly dead. But I still held out a little, eensy, weensy, teeny bit of hope.

After guys trying to lay up in my house before we really know one another, feeling themselves up on dinner dates, and acting crazy and deranged, I almost thought I'd never meet a man who was (A) normal (no stalking or signs of craziness); (B) wasn't married/engaged/already taken; and (C) actually believed in courtship...especially not after the guy from a few weeks ago, who we'll call Cheapskie, who told me that going out for ice cream (yes, ice cream, people, ICE CREAM) was "a luxury" that he wasn't willing to spend money on me for and instead invited me to his home for ice cream from his freezer -- as a first date, mind you-- when I barely knew him. Um, how about NO!? I declined.

Still, while I hadn't given up on men completely, I generally do me--work hard at my 9-5 and play hard with my girlfriends after hours, whether it's dinner or drinks after work or a night out at a nice lounge. I figured one day, maybe just maybe, I'd meet someone who was more interested in getting to know me and courting me than in simply laying up in my home or his.

It was on one of these nights out with a girlfriend that I met Mr. Courtship. My friend and I noticed him when he came into the lounge--he's cute, tall and broad like a football player--but he didn't notice us at the time. Later, as my girlfriend chatted with a guy she'd just met, I walked around the lounge by myself, checking out the scenery. That's when Mr. C approached. We exchanged numbers.

That night, Mr. C called to make sure I got home safe, and the next day, he asked me out on a date. We ended up hanging out that night until 6 a.m. the next morning--dinner, drinks, a party, and then just sitting in the car talking until the sun came up. He talked about believing in courtship. I smiled.

Mr. C lives about three hours away, but every day since we met, we've talked on the phone a few times per day. The next weekend, he came back to visit me. He cooked (it was delicious!). I swooned. And he shows an interest in my life and the people and things I care most about.

Seems like that shouldn't be so hard to find in the dating world, don't you think? Um.... notsomuch. But I think maybe I've figured it out. Mr. C, at least from what I can tell so far, is ready to be settled and is not playing any games. If I'd met him five or 10 years ago, that might not have been the case, as he would've been in a different "season" of his life. And maybe that's been my problem overall: Meeting men when they're still in "player season" rather than "settle-down season."

For a while, I thought online dating--my site of choice was eHarmony--was the key to finding men who were serious about dating and over the games.

Unfortunately, I learned that online dating is also a good way to find socially inept weirdos...such as the guy (you know him as Weed Smoker) who approached me in 'real life' at a lounge--on the same night I met Mr. C--and told me he met me online and that we'd lost touch. Sigh.

When I quickly recalled who he was--and that ONE (and only one) phone convo we had in which I realized he was crazy, I pretended not to be the person he thought I was. I don't think he bought it. I quickly got away as he started discussing how much he liked my toes (double sigh) and then he followed me around for the rest of the night. #FAIL

TALK BACK: Do you think courtship is a lost art? Why or why not?

Three Red Flags You're Dating a Crazy, Deranged MoFo

Have you ever met a guy who was just a little too into you just a little too fast?

Like you just met him but he's trying to move in with you already?

Or he snaps at you for not returning his calls within an hour or two, yet you just met him last week?

Or he tells you that he could see himself marrying you, yet you've been dating just a few days?

Believe it or not, all of the above have happened to me or my friends. And all of these examples, in my eyes, are warning signs that the guy could be, as Martin said in You So Crazy, a "crazy, deranged motherf%&$er." Run, girl, run!

Case in point: My good friend, we'll call her Samantha, called me yesterday to update me on a guy--we'll call him Pressurizer--who she met last week when we were out for after-work drinks. She'd been talking to him on the phone daily for four days since they exchanged numbers. And on Day 4, he hit her with this over the phone: "So, where is this going? Are you even interested in me?"

Samantha, a bit taken aback, asked Pressurizer to elaborate, thinking he couldn't possibly be pressing her with such questions not even a week after they first met. They'd talked frequently and had a date planned for this weekend, so why is he trippin? Pressurizer told her he really likes her and he laid his expectations on the line. It came down to this: It's fine if they don't see each other face to face every day for now, but if they get into a relationship, he told her, he'd require they see each other daily.

Now, let me remind you: This conversation took place *four days* after Samantha and Pressurizer met. Not four months. Not four years. And he's already having a fit about not seeing her daily--to the tune of a two-hour conversation to discuss his "concerns"? Where they do that at?

Samantha is now thinking she will probably cancel her weekend date with Pressurizer because he put so much pressure on her so quick. I can't say I blame her. In hindsight, Samantha says, the fact that he called her for the first time at 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning the day after they met probably was the first warning sign he was a little too eager.

Guys, take note: Genuine interest is good. Scary/stalkerish/overeager tendencies are bad. Very bad. Here are three red flags we women generally take note of:

1. Possessiveness.  I once had a guy I'd just met--who had gone out of town for the weekend-- tell me that if he were in town, I wouldn't be spending time with my friends because all of my time would be spent with him. Mind you, I'd known him for about one week. I cut him off immediately. While some women may find possessiveness flattering, many women find it to be scary and a warning sign to run far, far away.

2. Unrealistic expectations. No, it is not realistic for you to expect a woman you've just met to clear her schedule every day all day for you. And it's not realistic to expect to talk to her five to ten times a day. She had a life before she met you, and yes, she's happy to include you in it, but slow your roll, dude.

3. Short temper. Sure, we've all had a 'waiting by the phone' moment, hoping that that special someone would call soon. But copping an attitude with your love interest about not calling you back soon enough is a surefire way to push the person away if you just met. Big no-no.

TALK BACK: There are many red flags that signal danger in the dating world. What do you look out for? What warning signs signal to you that a guy might be crazy or deranged?

Number of Sexual Partners: Do Tell or TMI?

 

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Is sharing your sexual "number"--how many partners you've truly been with, no fudging or lapses in memory--simply TMI?

Some people believe you should tell the real number and get it out there and be honest with every person you encounter intimately. 

Other folks feel like it's worth telling only those you are serious with.

Then others, like me, generally believe it's just a bad idea, and no matter your number, you are going to still look less than pure-- especially to the man of your dreams if you've manged to find him. If the number is higher than zero, I think sometimes for a lot of men (the ones who are interested in something real), it's just too hard a pill to swallow.

Let's face it. I've had male friends admit that, especially for women they think highly of or want to be "the one," although deep down they know someone has probably put down footprints on her path... they really don't want to know if there was an eight-lane highway built there.

What I do believe can and should be discussed with any potential partner is sexual health history...recent tests taken, status, etc. Vox Magazine offers good advice on how to broach the topic.

But actual number of partners? Ehhhh.

Nope.

Yeah, yeah, I'm all about women's liberation. We make more money, we're more independent and educated and we have the right to sleep with however many people we want as long as we are responsible and no one should trip, right?

Wrong.

All things being equal, sure that makes sense. But in the real world, if you're a woman and have bedded "too many" men, both women and men will agree that you, my dear, are still considered a hoe. 

So how many is too many? Well that's for each individual person to decide. But I did get put on to an interesting theory about "the number" from a man.
I like to call it the "casual encounters to relationship to age of sexual debut ratio" (patent pending on the name).

Based on some scenarios my male friend offered up, I've created a game for y'all. It's called: "WHO'S THE HOE HERE?"

A 26-year-old who started having sex at 18, has had three long-term relationships lasting an average of two years each has a total number of five sexual partners.
If she was faithful during the relationships, the 2 partners who weren't considered boyfriends probably punched her freedom card in those periods between committed relationships, or she may have gotten one casual in before her first relationship.

Of the eight total years of her getting her swerve on, six of those years were in a faithful situation.

SURVEY SAYS: NOT A HOE.

I was told in that scenario, that number was not bad at all and that most men could probably take that on the chin and move on happily with that woman.

But, I was also told, if you are 18, started having sex at 18 and you have 5 partners before your 19th birthday.... yes, at this rate you are on par to have Tiger-like numbers by the time you hit 26.

SURVEY SAYS: "HEY DIRTY, BABY I GOT YOUR MONEY." YOU ARE A HOE.

Now, things happen. And I was told there may be an asterisk by your number in certain situations depending on your faithfulness, too.

My male friend put this doosey on me. I needed a calculator with sine and cosine functions to figure this one out... so help me out.

Say you are 24, you started doing the freaky deek at 18, and you've been in a relationship for five years with one person and you've managed to have *8 partners.

Oh boy. According to the math, you either: A. picked up your numbers early on in that one year you were single before that relationship; B. went buck wild post-relationship; or C. you were doing dirt during that relationship. SURVEY SAYS: ???????? If you answered B, I'm willing to give you some leniency. But if your answers are A. and C, click here to reclaim your prize.

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU'VE FALLEN INTO ANY OF THESE SITUATIONS WHERE THE SURVEY SAID THOSE ACTIONS WERE HOE-WORTHY, FABULOUSFEMININITY.BLOGSPOT.COM IS NOT JUDGING YOU.

TALK BACK: Do you share the number of sexual partners you've previously had with a new partner--and do you want him to tell you his "number"?

'Let's Talk About Pep' Reflects Sad State of Dating

If the new reality TV show, Let's Talk About Pep, is any indication, the world of dating for black women is a sad, sad, sad state of affairs.

I mean, I thought I had it rough. But Pep hasn't had a date or had sex in four years. FOUR YEARS! Whoa.

And when she finally did get a date, the dude's hair (was it an S-curl? A Jheri curl?) caught on fire as he tried to romance her in the hot tub. Oddly, this didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she left her girls wondering whether she had sex with him after his hair fire was extinguished.

I had a little teeny bit of hope for a date who took Pep's girl Kittie out. He was a bit boring but at least seemed like he was about something--at first. That is, until Kittie made it clear that she was bored with his talk of his business and financial planning. Then, I guess dude decided he needed to keep her attention by getting freaky. He started talking about his foot fetish at the dinner table in the restaurant. Then he took her to the strip club to "make it rain."

Really, dude?

I guess it worked for him, though. Kittie was all about it, getting freaky in the strip club, bending over, shaking her bootie as he threw money at her. 

The date ended with him sucking Kittie's toes in the car on the way home. Major FAIL. Yuck. Did this fool know he was going to be on TV? He's now officially a laughing stock and will surely get clowned by any woman he approaches who saw last night's episode.

Sadly, Kittie's date's behavior wasn't that shocking for me, since I recently ditched Cutie With Attitude, who has a foot fetish, too, and would cop an attitude because I would not send him camera phone photos of my feet and other body parts. He and Kittie's lame, freaky date would get along well, I'm sure.

TV personality Jacque Reid is another friend of Pepa's, and she's at the point in her life where she is less worried about finding a man and more worried about becoming a mother. She's nearing the end of childbearing age and has reached the point where she's ready to have a baby even if she doesn't have a husband. She took Lamman Rucker out to dinner to broach the subject of if he'd father her child.... and I definitely ain't mad at her for that. He's so fine that many women (myself included) wouldn't mind him being a baby's daddy. *Fanning myself* at the thought of Lamman's fine, fine, fine self. Oh boy, that's a gorgerous man. Wow.

A quick Google search suggests that Pepa is 42 or 43 years old. I am 29. I'd hoped dating would improve as I got older. But the hot mess I witnessed on television last night gives me little hope. No worries, though, I can always take Jacque's approach if all else fails in another decade or so.

Thrill of the Chase: Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy

There's something to be said about how men respond to being ignored. It's totally counterintuitive for us as women, but it's like guys enjoy being ignored. It keeps them interested. Call it the thrill of the chase or whatever. Guys seem to love it.

I told you recently that I was holding out hope for Handsome Honey. Well, in addition to remaining hopeful, I also pretty much started ignoring him.

Like, not calling him at all. Like not sounding excited to talk when he first called me after not calling me for a while. Like being friendly but brief in our text message exchanges and sometimes not replying to his texts at all. And like going out on a date, albeit a bad one, with someone else.

And what do you know? I've talked to HH four times by phone in the past five or six days and I only initiated contact on one of those occasions, and that was because I had a problem that I needed his help with. Mostly he calls and says he's just checking on me. On Sunday he wanted to see me but I told him I was busy.

Today, when I called to ask him about my problem, he answered the phone even though he was in the midst of working on his home renovation. He took a break to see what I needed.

Now, I wasn't calling HH often to begin with, but in the past couple of weeks, my calls and texts have come to an almost complete halt. But maybe it's as simple as this advice from Yahoo! Personals: "By not calling him, he'll start calling you and wondering what happened."

Who knew?

TALK BACK: Do you think that ignoring a man makes him more interested in a woman? Why or why not?

Would You Date--Or Marry--a Weed Smoker?

I hate smoking. And for good reason. You see, I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. When I was a kid, simply being around my father's clothing after he smoked cigarettes was enough to make me start sneezing, have trouble breathing and give me a runny nose.

As I got older, I encountered a new type of smoke: Weed smoke. I never indulged myself; I was far too afraid of having an asthma attack to try that. But my friends smoked, some regularly and heavily. And when I was younger, it wasn't a big deal to date a guy who was a weed smoker, so long as he didn't smoke around me and wasn't into other types of drugs.

Now that I'm damn near 30, I'm annoyed by weed smokers. I don't like the smell, don't want to taste it when I kiss a guy, and don't like thinking he's under the influence or carrying weed on him when we're together.

But sometimes, I second guess myself. There's one guy (no, not this guy) who is a successful engineer who never smokes around me, but I know he smokes weed on occasion. He's 37, makes a six-figure salary and is otherwise a stand-up, good guy. Is it too rash of me to judge him for being an occasional weed smoker? 

I recently talked about this issue with a few family members, and they said as long as the guy smokes outside and never around me, I shouldn't sweat it. But still, I wonder, is this a compromise I should make in the name of love? Is it possible that my soul mate is a weed smoker?

TALK BACK:  Would you date or marry a weed smoker? Why or why not?

The Representative Has Left the Building

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Comedian Chris Rock once said that when we are initially dating, we are not our real selves, but instead we send our "representatives" out on the dates for us. This representative is kind of like the person we become on a job interview-- just with a lower cut blouse and higher heels--who help to make us look and sound good to help us seal the deal. (But at least on a date you can have a cocktail to calm your nerves.)

I know of people who are transitioning from their representatives to their real selves, and it's not only been a revelation to the people these folks are dating, but it's been a revelation of self when the mask comes off.

If you are fortunate enough to find someone special enough to let down your guard, it can be both a great relief, yet extremely scary. You've put in the work, you've snatched up the person of your dreams, the representative has done her job and now that she's left, it's just you and him. For real. So he knows that sometimes you are terribly forgetful or that you always leave the cap off of the toothpaste, and eek, he even knows you own a couple pairs of granny panties.

So my question is... are we liars out the gate? And do we adjust our bad habits or try to hide them according to the likes and dislikes of the people we like, in order to get them to stay?

I know women who started cooking more often because a guy they liked loved a home-cooked meal. But during a usual week, hidden cameras would probably catch them eating out breakfast, lunch and dinner, five out of seven days in the week.

"But I don't want him to think I'm not wife material," she says, trying to keep up the lie.  

I know men who aren't necessarily neat freaks and don't mind clutter as long as it's not pizza boxes and beer bottles piling up throughout the house, who find themselves scrambling to powerwash their entire homes because a neat freak gal they are interested in is stopping by in an hour to watch a movie.

"I don't want her to think I'm nasty," he says.

The prevailing theme in all these examples is fear. Folks are afraid of their faults, and folks are afraid that the people they've worked so hard to get to see them in a really great light will realize the gig is up, you are a fraud, leading them to walk out of your life forever. But a good question is, did these two misrepresent themselves in the first place? Or are they trying to adjust to what their significant other likes?

I don't like smoking.

But I even dated a smoker once who declined to share upfront that he was a smoker. He kept up the facade for a couple months before I confronted him about the pack of cigarettes I found in his car. Then he assured me that he only smoked when he went out for a drink or after a meal. I continued to date that person for a long time (I really liked him), yet I reminded him every so often (trying not to nag) about how smoking is a nasty, unhealthy habit, and I hoped he would give it up one day soon. To his credit, he constantly kept mints on hand, and he never smoked around me. Obviously, he wanted to keep me.  So I see how the other side works, too.

Believe it or not, smoking didn't end that relationship. Even though I didn't like his smoking, I liked him more. And he liked me enough to smoke on his porch when I visited (even in the winter). So was it fair of me to want him to quit? Was it fair of him to fight his urge after we've had a nice meal out, knowing he's trying to get through dessert while jonsing for a cig? Or were we both just making "reasonable" sacrifices to make it work?

TALK BACK: Will individual bad habits (we aren't talking drug abuse, porn addiction or other obvious bad, bad stuff here) eventually break a relationship? Or can people find a compromise? In other words, if you know it's something your partner struggles with, will you try to work past it as long as you see some effort on his end?

Meeting Your Man's Single Mama on Turkey Day

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

My good friend is all nerves and inhaling into a brown paper bag right now.  After a real long and tumultuous run as far as relationships are concerned, my friend has finally hit the jackpot. And ironically, while FabFem has been recently talking about the jungle that is online dating, computer love actually did work out in my friend's favor.

So far, my friend--who I'll call Southern Belle--has been on a whirlwind romance with her new beau, who I'll call Mr. Checklist (good job-check, nice car-check, has his own spot, no kids.. you get the idea). They've been going out to restaurants, spending quiet evenings and weekends together, and he was her lone moving man when she moved last month as well. He goes out of his way to surprise her with little gifts to show he cares, and he helps her run errands. He also has no problem telling her just how much she means to him and how he can totally see a future with her.

Naturally a man this smitten was raised right, and naturally a man who knows how to make a woman float around the city as if she's wearing Jimmy Choos made of cotton candy has to have a close, healthy relationship with his mama. So, of course he wants his two favorite women to meet. And meet they will on Thanksgiving.

I've already assured my friend that (1) her warm personality alone is going to win over Mama Checklist. (2) She's a fantastic cook, all she has to do is let Mama Checklist sample some of her food, and it will put Mama Checklist at ease to know this lovely girl can actually make her son a good meal. (3) Let's be real. If you are a real mother who loves her son, the fact that he's so into her and happy should make you happy. SHOULD.

So here's the caveat.

Some folks have said in the past that when meeting Mom, you ESPECIALLY have your work cut out for you if:

He's an only child
He's an only son

I also heard the situation is further amplified if, as in the case with Mr. Checklist, he's an only boy child to a single mother. It's no secret that these relationships can be super tight because both the mother and the son have often depended on one another over the years, and they've seen each other through some really tough times.

Successful sons of single moms often work their hardest to make them happy and feel a proud obligation to help them out as much as they can now that they're grown men. It completely makes sense. I mean, even the most seemingly meanest, toughest rappers who talk about hoes and bitches also rhyme about putting their mothers in mansions and "designer fabrics" once they've made it big. Childhood memories of mama struggling to make ends meet are hard to shake. So I say men who take care of mama, without falling into chronic mama's boy syndrome, are worthy of Shakespearean sonnets being written in their honor.

TALK BACK: What are some good tips for Southern Belle to help her shake those nerves before Turkey Day? And are single mothers with sons really harder to impress, or is that just an urban relationship myth?

Is It Ever OK to Date Your Ex's Friend?

I used to have a hard and fast rule: If I dated a guy, I'd never date his friend. Never, ever, ever in life. Wasn't going to happen. How dare the friend even try to holla.

But then one day, I found myself in a strange predicament. I dated a guy--we'll call him The Player--who was pretty much a jerk. He tended to talk down to women, and on top of that, he was a whore. He was not my boyfriend--so I use the term, "ex," loosely--but I did date him on and off for less than a year. On two separate occasions during that time period, two of The Player's friends told me that I was too good for him and then they each tried to holla at me. One was his best friend (I shot him down immediately). The other was a guy I'll call Mr. Serious.

I met Mr. Serious while out at a nightclub with a couple of my friends and The Player. At the end of the night, the guys offered to give me a ride to my car so I didn't have to walk by myself.

But here's the thing: The Player disappeared as we were walking to the car, and he wouldn't answer his cellphone. He left me alone with his two friends, who I'd just met that night. I assume that The Player went home with another woman that evening because he would not answer his cellphone when I tried to call to tell him that his friend, Mr. Serious, was trying to holla.

It was quite some time later, perhaps a year or so (when The Player and I were long since over), before Mr. Serious and I started seeing each other. But Mr. Serious is way into his job, like in a working from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. kinda way. He is usually so tired that he's hard to be around at times. So things did not work out for us.

Then I saw him again this weekend, and now he's trying to holla again, in a very direct, no-holds-barred type of way.

He's hitting me with talk of wanting to be with me on a serious tip. He's asking me to give him another chance. Usually, I'd think he's full of it and would dismiss him without hesitation. But this is a guy who took care of me after I had surgery earlier this year (the last time we were dating). And even though he's a workaholic, he took off work to take me to a doctor's appointment that I couldn't drive myself to. Now you know that's saying a lot for a guy who barely leaves the office.

I am hesitant, though, but it's no longer because of The Player. It's because Mr. Serious is an over-the-top workaholic, and I'm not sure I can deal with that. Under most circumstances, I'd be fine with a man who works hard, but if you take your fatigue and stress out on me, it's a different story.

Still, it seems strange to me that the fact that I once dated The Player no longer seems to matter in my eyes when it comes to Mr. Serious. A male friend says that Mr. Serious broke "man code" by trying to talk to me, so he doesn't trust him. But I guess that just isn't a big deal to me. Maybe it's because it's been at least two years since The Player and I were involved. Or perhaps it's because The Player is such a dog that he just has no relevance in my life in a romantic way any longer. We're cool as friends, but that's about it. The question is: Should I give Mr. Serious a real chance? 

TALK BACK: Is it ever OK to date your ex's friend? Please vote in the poll!

You Love Him But You Hate Him: Houston, We Have A Pattern

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

One of the greatest philosophers of modern time once asked, "Do we date the same man over and over again?"

And damn it, Carrie Bradshaw was correct. We do. (Question her cultural significance if you want to. Her laptop is behind glass at the Smithsonian.)

Seriously, though, for some reason, the things that turn us on about the people we choose to get romantically involved with are probably linked hand-in-hand with the things that we can't stand about them.

I have something that I call, "Nina's Theory of Traits We Love and Hate." For each personality trait, there's two sides to the coin.

For instance, there were some recurring character traits that about 90 percent of the men I've dated and/or actually claimed as my man had. I'm going to give you my top two:

Confidence/Arrogance. Every man I've seriously attached myself to had a ridiculous air of confidence and swagger that either gained the admiration of others, or just turned folks off completely. In some cases, people just misunderstood the man, yet in others, they were dead on.

Some guys I dated were indeed jerks. Period.

Usually the men that I dated had something about them that gave them a reason to feel confident or arrogant. They were all very smart. They were all quick witted, and spoke well but could switch to slang with ease. They traveled, were well-read, had interesting jobs and were attractive. In some cases, maybe it washateration on other people's part, but in other cases, maybe my men were showing off just a little bit.

But when confidence curdles like old milk, it turns to arrogance, and that's usually that's tinged with the self belief that you are indeed better and smarter than everyone else. And that, my friends, is not attractive. But it can lurk on the other side of the confidence coin.

Back to confidence, confident men are happy for you when you are doing well, even if he's not at the moment. Confident men don't have to know where you are and who you are with all the time (but they'd like to know every now and then, only to make sure you got home safely). Confident men don't even mind if other men respectfully admire their women (they kind of think it's cool). 

Creativity. A dear friend once told me, if a man has a talent, I am on him like white on rice. So, OK, yes, I tend to have a thing for writers, painters, musicians (that actually play instruments, not making beats or raps, FYI), and guys with a sharp sense of humor.

Boy are these men passionate, and when you watch them do their thing, it almost makes you want to quit your job and pursue your dreams deferred, like being a dolphin-watching tour guide or something. And when they are flourishing, they are on top of the world. Nothing can stop them, and you both are enjoying the ride.

Unfortunately, these creative types are often broke in pursuit of these dreams, and oftentimes they lose touch with reality (i.e. student loans, steady employment). Sometimes they get so wrapped up in their dream, and the fact that they are so talented that they tend to get particularly moody when others "with far less talent" are all up in what should be their spotlight. Hence, they take their crap out on you. It's even worse if you are successful.

So here are some other examples of when good traits go bad. Let it marinate:

Good: He loves his mamma.
Bad: He's a mamma's boy.

Good: He has drive/goals and works hard.
Bad: He doesn't make time for a personal life, and that includes you. He also thinks the only thing better than having money is having more money.

Good: He is honest.
Bad: He lacks tact (can't tell the difference between being honest and being rude or mean).

Good: He "ain't no punk."
Bad: He picks fights and is unnecessarily confrontational.

TALK BACK: What is on your list of "dimmer" characteristics (things that simultaneously turn you "on" and "off" in the people you date)? What are the good/bad common threads among the people you've dated in the past?

Why I Decided to Try Online Dating

I've been known to say I'd never try online dating. Too many crazies in the world, I said, and if I start finding dates online, I'm bound to run into trouble. Plus, why would I pay a monthly fee to find dates?

But recently I realized that I attract crazy people, jerks, and losers anyway--in real life, just by going about my daily business. I'm not hurting for dates, but crazies and married/engaged/taken men seem to like me. So what do I have to lose by trying online dating?

Probably not much.

And given my track record, I guess I could use a little help.

So on Saturday, I created an eHarmony account. I chose eHarmony because they claim to match you with people who they think you're most likely to be compatible with, based on how you respond to a long list of questions you must answer when you sign up for the site.

eHarmony seems to gradually match you up with people. It matched me with five people the first day, another five or six on Sunday, and another five or six people today. The site allows users to go through each person's profile, view their descriptions, their answers to a pre-set list of questions, and their photos. If you don't like that person's profile, you can "close" the match out--another way of saying, "I'm just not that into you."

But if you are interested, you can opt to send an "icebreaker"--chosen from a list of cute sayings such as, "I like your smile," or "Hey, I enjoyed your profile. Let's chat!" Or, you can choose to start the communication process using either "guided" communication (a tedious process that involves sending two short lists of questions to your potential mate, as well as a list of likes/dislikes), or if you're really feeling the person, you can ask to "fast track" the process, which takes you straight to being able to send "open" messages through eHarmony's in-house e-mail system. That way, you're communicating with the person, but they don't actually have your personal contact information.

And that's as far as I've gotten so far. I am "communicating" with five potential matches--three of those conversations are still in the "guided" process, where we're exchanging information via our answers to each other's pre-selected questions. One conversation has finished the guided process and progressed into "open" communication on eHarmony's website, but that guy is kind of boring me, to be honest. And the fifth guy (who has a very nice smile) sent me a request to "fast track" our conversation today, skipping the guided process altogether. After I accepted his request, he sent me one nice note this morning. I just responded, so I'm awaiting his reply.

I also have 13 other guys with whom I've been matched by eHarmony but who I haven't contacted yet, and they haven't reached out to me yet, either. (And there are a few guys who I "closed" out for various reasons upon seeing their profiles.)

I'm trying to be open during this process. I don't expect a guy to look like LL Cool J, Maxwell, or Tyson Beckford. But he does have to include a photo on his profile in order for me not to "close" communication with him. After all, if you know what I look like, why shouldn't I know what you look like?

One guy in particular appears to be adorable. Tall, handsome--a dog lover who doesn't appear to take himself too seriously. (I have a small toy poodle, and I like being around people who enjoy life, despite its pitfalls.) Of course, now that I said that, he'll probably prove to be disappointing. Ha.

But even if that one doesn't work out, I'll stick with eHarmony for the next month or two to see what happens.  If nothing else, I figure it'll be good fodder for the FabFem blog. I'll keep you posted. 

TALK BACK: Have you ever tried online dating? Why or why not? And if so, did you meet a good match?

Why You Should Facebook the Guy You Just Met

There is an opinion piece on Black and Married With Kids today about whether you should Facebook a guy you've just recently met. The writer suggests that you should never Facebook on a first date. My response? You absolutely should.

Now, my opinion on this topic comes from personal experience. I've learned the hard way that men--when they're interested in a new woman--aren't always totally honest about their current relationship status. Just recently I met a man who told me that he was single. I believed him--that is, until we became Facebook friends. That's when I saw that his page listed him as "in a relationship" and that he'd posted a photo of himself with his girlfriend.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was a "new" relationship, which made absolutely no difference to me because the end result was the same: He had a girlfriend. We had a date scheduled for the very day that I found this information on Facebook, so it really came just in the nick of time. I immediately canceled the date and informed him that his Facebook page had told on him.

But that's the beauty of Facebook--many people mindlessly post their relationship statuses without giving much thought to how this could affect them in the future. So for the man who is trying to be slick and meet women outside of his relationship or marriage, Facebook can serve as a warning to women to stay far, far away.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

You see, it's hard enough being a single woman and having to weed out the crazies, the jerks, the guys who are just trying to get in your pants. So I'm thankful for any resource that gives me the pertinent information--such as true relationship status--with the click of a mouse.

As for the BMWK writer's concern that Facebook provides too much information for potential dates, the answer is simple: Use Facebook privacy settings. You have total control over how much information people see on your page. Your closest friends might be able to see all of your photos, wall posts, status updates and links, for example, but you can restrict people you don't know that well so that they can't see your wall posts or status updates or even your photos.

And as for tagging a guy you've just met--as the BMWK writer did--in a photo? I'd advise against it. I recently could've done the same--after a birthday party where I met a new guy who I dubbed my Prince Charming for the evening--but I did not tag him in the many photos in which he was captured in the album of 60-plus pictures that I posted on Facebook afterwards. Why? Because I simply don't know him like that. He's aware of the album and can tag himself if he'd like, but I'm not going to do it for him.

While I believe in being Facebook friends with new guys (though I reserve the right to delete them later if things don't work out), I won't send the guy a friend request unless Facebook comes up during conversation and he tells me he has a page. That doesn't mean I won't do a quick search beforehand to see if I can find his page on my own--because some people leave their pages public and you can see their information without having to friend them. But he doesn't have to know that I've searched for him.

Still, not everyone lists a relationship status on Facebook. And in that case, you're just going to have to rely on good, old womanly instincts (and FabFem's list of 7 Ways to Tell if a Man is Married, Engaged or Otherwise Taken).

[For more on the dilemma Facebook poses for budding relationships, please read yesterday's post by Guest Blogger Nina Lovehall.]

TALK BACK:  Do you "friend" people you're dating on Facebook? Why or why not?

In a Relationship? It's None of Facebook's Business

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

I recently read a great blog from Black and Married With Kids in which the writer talks about how he won't friend his wife on Facebook. I totally agree with his theory.

The blogger said that in the beginning, being on FB with wifey was kind of cute. But it stopped being cute when old classmates from second grade started chiming in on his wife's comments or trying to get in on their inside jokes. He also wasn't a fan when his wife would sometimes hijack his account and change his statuses to stuff like, "My wife is the best."

I've noticed that people who are not even married are having to deal with how to handle their relationship status on Facebook. I actually know people who started off budding relationships on a bad foot because they had arguments about why one person wants to put down he or she is in a relationship, while the other person wants to keep his or her status as single. The offended party took this as the new beau not wanting to acknowledge their relationship publicly, and having something to hide-- not wanting to tell his female friends (one of which included his ex) that he was off the market.

But sometimes, the significant other really doesn't have anything to hide. They'd just rather not deal with hundreds of unimportant people all up in their business, especially when it comes to someone special. I've seen people purposely write ridiculous stuff to folks who are in relationships just to see if they will get a rise out of the new boyfriend or girlfriend. And I've been surprised quite a few times at people I'm not that cool with commenting on random, unimportant stuff anyway because that means that they actually paid attention.

I've also seen people in relationships change their status to single just to piss their loved one off during a private spat, which has now officially become public and ugly. In a matter of seconds, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people have seen the "Nina Lovehall is no longer in a relationship" with that cracked heart icon in the news feed, and now you are getting blown up on your wall with posts like, "girl you didn't need him anyway." Or "Nina, call me, it's Rodney. I will console you girl." This type of game-playing further infuriates your loved one, putting your relationship in very real danger off of something that Jerry Springer guests often say "could have been handled at home." 

I've also seen male friends have to tell female Facebook friends they may have went on one or two dates with to stop harassing them about every comment or photo they had posted involving other women. It's gotten that ugly. One friend even had to tell a girl not to put a photo of them together as her profile pic or actually refer to him as her man, boo or anything else in her statuses. That may be a real extreme case, but you are bound to see just about everything on Facebook.

When it comes to Facebook, I take the Beyonce Carter approach. I don't discuss it. Am I in a relationship? Hmmm. Wouldn't you like to know?

But here's my history with relationship statuses: After a difficult breakup where my ex and I had many mutual and professional friends on Facebook, I was able to slink away unscathed with not so much as a question after removing "in a relationship" to not having a relationship status posted in my profile at all. I was terrified that if I changed it to "single" it would show up on the news feeds, and the questions and condolences would come flying in. At the time, I just wanted the comfort of my solitude with only small doses from my closest, closest friends. Not someone I met during an internship years ago.

Personally, for the sake of argument, IF I am with someone, I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I don't need to say I'm in a relationship in a status including his name, and I don't need him to shout me out, either. It keeps the riff raff out of our relationship, and it keeps folks from trying to start some mess (i.e. obvious flirtatious wall posts, etc). I wouldn't even wax on and on about how I can't wait to see my boo later either in a status update. You'd be surprised at how petty people are. I've even seen folks get real nasty during a divorce on Facebook too. Just ugly.

My suggestion: As retarded as I think the whole Facebook-change-your-status-if-you-really-love-me fight is, it's a valid concern for some folks in this age of social networking. It's necessary to have the, "Wow, do we do Facebook?" conversation with someone you're seeing, just as if you are asking about their allergies or religion.

People have different theories. Some prefer the Bey/Jay kind of Facebook relationship, where it's no one's business, you don't deny or confirm, but when you see them together in real life, you know what the deal is. Some people like to tell the world and comment on each other's pages ad nauseam and constantly stalk the other person's page to make sure people aren't disrespecting their relationship and maybe even telling offenders to quit it. Some people feel like full public disclosure prevents sneaky behavior and helps them mark their territory.

But whatever you do, you've got to agree on what works for your relationship that makes everyone comfortable and secure. If you go the Heidi and Spencer public route, just be prepared for public comment on almost everything during, and even after, the relationship. (Damn that cracked heart in the news feed!)

As for me, the next time Facebook actually sees my relationship status ever again, it's going to say "married (now mind your business)."

TALK BACK:  Should couples be friends on social networking sites and report their relationship status? And if your significant other doesn't want to announce your relationship online, do you assume that he or she is up to no good and/or unsure about your relationship?

Cleaning House: Cutting Stragglers Off & Starting Anew

I'm not looking for perfection. I don't believe such a thing exists. I have my flaws, and I know that every man has his quirks. So I try to weigh the good with the bad and separate quirkiness from crazy, though lately I've been attracting the latter.

In the past two days alone, I've had to cut off two different guys. One was Super Texter. And I didn't cut him off because he was late for a date--That was minor and I was over it as soon as it happened. No, he had to go because of his extreme emotional reactions to benign situations. It was borderline scary. His pattern is to flip out on me about once a month (I've known him three months) and then apologize profusely a week or two later. My friends began joking that I was setting myself up to become the subject of a Lifetime movie. Even my dad--when I told him about Super Texter--said to run, not walk, away.

And then there was another guy, we'll call him Cutie With Attitude, who was probably one of the most attractive men I've ever dated, but his attitude simply sucked. Seriously, what a waste of a fine specimen of a man. You see, Cutie With Attitude believes that women should be happy that he even calls them. So if months (yes, months) go by and you don't see him, you shouldn't trip.

Then there was Cutie With Attitude's total lack of consideration for the most basic things. Now let me be clear: I'm pretty self sufficient, even when I'm sick, so there are no expectations here. But if you're a man who claims to be interested in me, the least you can do is fake the funk. However, Cutie With Attitude couldn't even manage that. If I was sick, which has been more often than usual in the last year or so, he never asked if I needed anything. He barely even called to make sure I was alive.

So there were two different issues with Super Texter and Cutie With Attitude. Super Texter was kind and considerate most of the time, but he turned crazy--like, seemingly mentally unstable--when things didn't go his way. Cutie With Attitude didn't appear to be crazy, but he was arrogant, self absorbed and totally and utterly inconsiderate.

If only there were a machine where you could morph the "good" qualities of two different men into one human being. A girl can dream, can't she?

But as I write this, I feel like I made a good decision on both fronts. I just celebrated a birthday, and it was time to clean house for the year ahead. These two guys have taught me more about what I can tolerate and what I can't when it comes to guys. So I guess it wasn't a total loss.

TALK BACK:  Are there dealbreakers that annoy you so much that you've stopped dating someone because of them?  Holla at me in the comments section or on the FabFem Facebook fan page.

30 Minutes Late? Sorry, the Date is Canceled

Are there any gentlemen left in the world? The guys who show up on time, come to your door to pick you up, make dinner reservations -- you know, actually put some thought and effort into dating?

I wondered this tonight, as my date for the evening arrived nearly a half hour late and attempted to summon me to his car with a text message that said, "Come down."

I should note that I am a bit of a stickler for being on time. So when it comes to dating, I'm easily annoyed by guys who have no respect for a woman's time. I have a 30-minute limit on how long I'll wait for a guy before canceling a date.

Back to tonight: I had a date scheduled with Super Texter, who promised that this would be the date to make up for him flipping out on me via text message on my birthday two weeks ago.

So you'd think, since he was so sorry for all that happened on my birthday, that he'd bring his "A" Game today, right?

Wrong.

Super Texter told me he'd be picking me up at 7:30 p.m. for dinner. Fine, I said. And I was dressed (and hungry) by 7:30. But soon it was 7:50 and still no word from Super Texter. Then my phone went off with that text message instructing me to come down to his car. So now Super Texter was not only nearly a half hour late, but he was summoning me to his car by text message.

I don't think so.

So I replied: "I'm not going. You're almost a half hour late. And texting me to tell me to come to the car is rude."

It just got uglier from there. You see, Super Texter's M.O. seems to be to insult you when you do something he doesn't like. He "ordered" me a birthday gift--one he still doesn't have in his possession (I repeat: My birthday was two weeks ago)--so I shouldn't have tripped about him being late today, he said. Is he really serious?

Still, I never get a good feeling from having to walk away from a date this way, but I also feel like it's something I need to do out of respect for myself. I once walked out of a restaurant because a guy had me waiting for more than 30 minutes. Even the waiter started looking at me crazy, as if the date I said was coming was all in my head.

In that situation, just as I was pulling out of the parking lot, the guy I was supposed to meet was pulling in. I felt a little bit bad for leaving, but not bad enough to stay. He should've showed up on time or let me know he was running late. And I feel the same way about Super Texter.

TALK BACK: How do you handle it when a date is late? Do you have a cutoff time before you'll cancel? And when a man comes to get you from your home, do you believe he should come to the door to greet you? Let me know in the comments section.

7 Ways to Tell If A Man Is Married, Engaged Or Otherwise Taken

Among my friends, I'm the one who tends to attract men who are married, engaged, or involved in a relationship. If there's a married guy in the room out to cheat on his wife, he's probably going to approach me.

But here's the thing. They never admit that they're married. Or engaged. Or that they have a girlfriend. That is, until they're confronted about it. Somehow, I think they believe that women are stupid and won't see the signs. And while I may have been fooled in the past (more on that to come in a future blog post), I'm older and wiser now and you have to work really hard to fool me. I know that just because the guy isn't wearing a ring doesn't rule out him having a wife at home.

Still, the boldness of some men astonishes me at times. There's the guy who I found out was married via Google because his wife had created a wedding website when they got married. And there was another guy who begged me and a friend to meet him at the bar at a lounge we were at, while his wife was just a few feet away. There was also the guy who became my facebook friend, and then I promptly noticed that he described himself as being "in a relationship" on his page and he had pictures of himself with a woman who he called his "lady" in the photo captions. (He told me he was single when we met. Then, when I confronted him about his facebook relationship status, he admitted he had a girlfriend -- but he still asked me repeatedly to go on a date. No way, I said. I want my own man, not someone else's.)

And those are just a few examples.

So from my experiences, I offer 7 tips for how to tell if a man is married, engaged or committed, even if he won't admit it.

1. He only calls you while he's at work or when he's in transit. Ever met a guy who is only reachable during the hours of 9 to 5, Monday through Friday? Perhaps he might send a text when he's not at work, but talking to him is out of the question outside of business hours? Leave him alone, girl. He's either married or he's in a serious enough relationship that he practically lives with his girlfriend. The same goes for men who only call you when they're driving to/from work but never when they're actually at home.  

2. He is super slow to respond to phone calls and text messages. This suggests that he has to wait until he's away from his woman before he can talk to you. He's making an effort to pull the wool over your eyes by eventually responding, but constant delays mean something fishy is going on.

3. He won't give you his phone number. This is a dead giveaway. While many people have ditched home phones, most people these days at least have a cellphone number that they're willing to give out.

4. He gives you a cellphone number that is usually powered off, so it goes straight to voicemail. This could be a pimp move--Keeping a cellphone that he reserves just for the women he has on the side. But when he's with his main woman, that phone gets powered off. You can bet his main woman has his primary cellphone number, though!

5. When you meet him, he says he will memorize your number rather than write it down or put it in his cellphone. This is the guy who can't put your number in his phone, for fear that one of his wife's friends might see it happening. Believe it or not, this actually happened to me. It was a guy who claimed he was single and took up about an hour of my time at a hot party. At the end of the night, he asked for my number. I asked to see his cellphone so I could plug my number in. He wouldn't give it to me. He said he'd "memorize" my number. I knew at that point he was taken, but I decided to see how it played out. (Meanwhile, I told my girlfriend that I expected to hear from him between the hours of 9-5, per Rule No. 1.) He did indeed call me once *from work,* just as I predicted. I saw him out again recently, and I asked him if he was married. He said yes, and I walked away.

6. He won't spend the night. Come on ladies, if the relationship gets this far and the man will not spend the night, you should be asking yourself where he is going to lay his head at night. Don't allow yourself to be the woman he sleeps with just before going home to his girlfriend or his wife. 

7. You've never been to his house. I believe that part of getting to know someone is seeing how they're living and where they're living. That doesn't mean that you should accept dates that never occur outside of the house. But you should get to the man's home--and soon. If he doesn't invite you to come to his house, and he provides lame excuses for why you can't come by, there could be another lady living there already.

Did I miss anything? If you have additional tips for how to spot men who are married, engaged, or otherwise taken, please post them in the comments section.

No, You Can't Come to My House

I can't stand a man who invites himself over to my house when we've just met.

There, I said it.

I'm not talking about the guy who's established himself in my life, the one who has the potential to be my man, the one who's earned the right to lay around with me on my couch to watch movies or TV. No, I'm talking about the guy I literally just met who thinks it's OK to not only invite himself over, but cop an attitude if I balk at the suggestion.

There was one guy, we'll call him Bold Boy, who I met while out running errands one afternoon. A few days after we met, he called me. I silently hoped he'd ask me out on a date.

Instead, Bold Boy said, "So, um, you got any movies at your house?"

Me: "Why?"

Bold Boy: "Because I was going to come over so we could watch movies. I don't have my TV set up at my house."

Me: "We just met, so you can't come to my house. Sorry."

You would think that Bold Boy would've taken the hint, but sadly, he did not. Eventually, I asked him to stop calling me when he told me that he was on vacation from work and did not feel like being bothered with taking a woman (read: me) out at all. Period. End of story. It wasn't that finances were an issue, he said, it was just that he simply wanted to "chill." So I asked him to go chill and lose my number.

Bold Boy, like many of the men I've come across, expected me to feel guilty for wanting to be taken on a date outside of my (or his) house. But fortunately for me, my parents taught me better than that.

Let me be clear: A simple date is fine -- a picnic in the park, a bite to eat at a reasonably priced sports bar or restaurant. I am really not hard to please.

I just have one real requirement: We do need to leave the house.

Is that too much to ask?

Call Me, Don't Text Me

I'll admit it: I think texting is a great invention. It allows us to communicate quick messages when we can't talk or don't have time for long conversations.

But, I fear, texting has also allowed us to get lazy when it comes to dating and relationships. Don't feel like having an uncomfortable conversation? Just text the message instead. Afraid of how the other person might respond? Just get to typing. And finally, here is a pet peeve of mine: Asking a woman out for a date via text. (Fellas, please don't make a habit of this, especially if it's a first date. It's tacky.)

I recently dated a guy--we'll call him Super Texter--who preferred to communicate via text message. He worked in a facility where he was not allowed to talk on his cellphone. So if he wanted to talk with me, he often texted. He texted me in the morning to say good morning, midday to see how my day was going and at night to wish me sweet dreams. We talked on the phone, too, but not nearly as often as we texted. Then one day, we got into an argument via text -- on my birthday. And rather than pick up the phone and call, Super Texter escalated the argument via text messaging, even when I asked him to stop. I eventually asked him to never contact me again. (Notice I used the word, "contact," because if I'd said, "call," the door would still be open for him to text me.)

Well, not even two weeks later, I received seven back-to-back text messages from Super Texter at 2 a.m. on a work night. I was not happy. This time, he was apologizing for the argument he'd started via text a week and a half earlier, but why did his apology also have to come via text? Why does Super Texter seem to not quite get that actually talking to me would probably be a smarter way to go?

But that's the good thing about texting. As the recipient of such messages, I can choose to reply...or not reply. In this case, I chose the latter. Of course, that means Super Texter is still trying to reach me, but will he ever actually pick up the phone to have a real, live conversation with me?

Only time will tell.

UPDATE 10/15/09: Super Texter did the unthinkable -- He called me this morning to ask me for a date to talk things out!

UPDATE 10/18/09: The date did not go well.

UPDATE 10/20/09: The end of Super Texter.