First Day of the Year, First Bad Date of 2010

It's never a good thing when your date feels himself up before you have a chance to.

Having been stuck in the house a lot lately--because of snowstorms and being sick--I took Cutie With Attitude up on his offer to go out to dinner on New Year's Day. I hadn't talked to him in weeks, since I asked him to stop contacting me, but he reappeared during the holidays, as they usually do.

I thought a nice dinner date would be a welcome trip out of the house. I thought. And I kinda sorta had fun...at first.

That is, until CWA unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and began rubbing his chest, doing an LL Cool J thing with his lips, while we were sitting at the dinner table in the restaurant.

As he felt himself up, he said, "You like that, don't you?"

Me: "No, really I don't."

WTF. Did he really think that was sexy?!? WHY ME?!?

It only got worse after that. Somehow the conversation turned to CWA's hatred for animals. Apparently a large dog bit him when he was a child. So, he told me, he hates dogs--and that includes my 4-pound dog. Any woman he marries better get rid of her dog if she has one, he told me. I told him that's too bad because the only way I'd ever consider getting rid of my dog would be if I fell in love with someone who was severely allergic to him. Otherwise, CWA can kick rocks.

Needless to say, I was happy when the check came, and I was very quiet the entire ride home. I was relieved that CWA did not attempt to come inside my place, but he did walk me to the door. When I got home, I decided to check out CWA's facebook page--He'd just signed up for fb not too long ago and we became fb friends while we were at dinner. I took a quick look at his page and went to bed.

The next morning, I tried to go back to CWA's facebook page to look at it in more detail--and guess what? He had deleted me as a friend on facebook! I texted him to say, "You deleted me as a facebook friend? Wow." He responded right away and claimed that he hadn't deleted me. He said he didn't know what happened. Must've been some sort of facebook glitch. Whatever, dude.

Do all of these dudes read from the same BS handbook of excuses? I'm mean, you really must be kidding me.

On to the next one.

How I Lost a Facebook Friend Because I Won't Go to His House

Southern Gentleman--the first guy I went out with from eHarmony--deleted me as a friend on Facebook yesterday, after I said I wasn't comfortable coming to his house to watch movies because we've only been out on one date.

I guess he wasn't such a gentleman after all.

Now, y'all know how I hate it when guys just want to lay up in the house. Still, I tried to soften the blow. He texted me earlier yesterday saying he'd like to see me again. I said, "That sounds good. What do you have in mind?"

A couple of hours later, he replied to say he was thinking we could have drinks but that he also wanted me to come to his house to watch movies--if I was comfortable with that.

Well, I am not comfortable with going to a guy's house who I (A) met on the Internet, (B) have only known a week (and I say that loosely since I didn't meet him in person until this weekend), and (C) have only gone on one date with, and that was just this past weekend.

So I replied to his message with the following: "That's sweet. I would be more comfortable if we went out again first. I'm not afraid of you or anything. It's just a comfort thing for me."

Notice that I did NOT say, "Look fool, I don't know you like that, and I sure ain't coming to your house!" But you can bet that's kinda what I was thinking.

So imagine my surprise when I noticed a short while later that we were no longer Facebook friends. (Background: Southern Gentleman sent me a request to become Facebook friends last week as the next step after we communicated via eHarmony.) He also hadn't responded to my text message. After an hour passed, I was so shocked that this dude had actually deleted me because of this that I decided to call him to see if he'd fess up.

I ended up getting his voicemail, so I left a nice message, saying that I hoped I hadn't offended him in some way that caused him to delete me as a friend. Now, let me be clear: My feelings were not hurt. I just wanted to see if he'd own up to deleting me because I don't want to lay up in his house. A short time letter, I got a text from him. (Side note: I *hate* it when guys respond to a phone call with a text message. Whack.) His text said: "I'm not offended. I deleted you by mistake. My bad. Sure we can meet out again before you come over." 

I deleted you by mistake? Does that actually happen? As one friend pointed out, it takes quite a bit of effort to delete a friend on Facebook.

TALK BACK: Would you buy it if someone told you that he/she deleted you as a Facebook friend by mistake?

Why You Should Facebook the Guy You Just Met

There is an opinion piece on Black and Married With Kids today about whether you should Facebook a guy you've just recently met. The writer suggests that you should never Facebook on a first date. My response? You absolutely should.

Now, my opinion on this topic comes from personal experience. I've learned the hard way that men--when they're interested in a new woman--aren't always totally honest about their current relationship status. Just recently I met a man who told me that he was single. I believed him--that is, until we became Facebook friends. That's when I saw that his page listed him as "in a relationship" and that he'd posted a photo of himself with his girlfriend.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was a "new" relationship, which made absolutely no difference to me because the end result was the same: He had a girlfriend. We had a date scheduled for the very day that I found this information on Facebook, so it really came just in the nick of time. I immediately canceled the date and informed him that his Facebook page had told on him.

But that's the beauty of Facebook--many people mindlessly post their relationship statuses without giving much thought to how this could affect them in the future. So for the man who is trying to be slick and meet women outside of his relationship or marriage, Facebook can serve as a warning to women to stay far, far away.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

You see, it's hard enough being a single woman and having to weed out the crazies, the jerks, the guys who are just trying to get in your pants. So I'm thankful for any resource that gives me the pertinent information--such as true relationship status--with the click of a mouse.

As for the BMWK writer's concern that Facebook provides too much information for potential dates, the answer is simple: Use Facebook privacy settings. You have total control over how much information people see on your page. Your closest friends might be able to see all of your photos, wall posts, status updates and links, for example, but you can restrict people you don't know that well so that they can't see your wall posts or status updates or even your photos.

And as for tagging a guy you've just met--as the BMWK writer did--in a photo? I'd advise against it. I recently could've done the same--after a birthday party where I met a new guy who I dubbed my Prince Charming for the evening--but I did not tag him in the many photos in which he was captured in the album of 60-plus pictures that I posted on Facebook afterwards. Why? Because I simply don't know him like that. He's aware of the album and can tag himself if he'd like, but I'm not going to do it for him.

While I believe in being Facebook friends with new guys (though I reserve the right to delete them later if things don't work out), I won't send the guy a friend request unless Facebook comes up during conversation and he tells me he has a page. That doesn't mean I won't do a quick search beforehand to see if I can find his page on my own--because some people leave their pages public and you can see their information without having to friend them. But he doesn't have to know that I've searched for him.

Still, not everyone lists a relationship status on Facebook. And in that case, you're just going to have to rely on good, old womanly instincts (and FabFem's list of 7 Ways to Tell if a Man is Married, Engaged or Otherwise Taken).

[For more on the dilemma Facebook poses for budding relationships, please read yesterday's post by Guest Blogger Nina Lovehall.]

TALK BACK:  Do you "friend" people you're dating on Facebook? Why or why not?

In a Relationship? It's None of Facebook's Business

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

I recently read a great blog from Black and Married With Kids in which the writer talks about how he won't friend his wife on Facebook. I totally agree with his theory.

The blogger said that in the beginning, being on FB with wifey was kind of cute. But it stopped being cute when old classmates from second grade started chiming in on his wife's comments or trying to get in on their inside jokes. He also wasn't a fan when his wife would sometimes hijack his account and change his statuses to stuff like, "My wife is the best."

I've noticed that people who are not even married are having to deal with how to handle their relationship status on Facebook. I actually know people who started off budding relationships on a bad foot because they had arguments about why one person wants to put down he or she is in a relationship, while the other person wants to keep his or her status as single. The offended party took this as the new beau not wanting to acknowledge their relationship publicly, and having something to hide-- not wanting to tell his female friends (one of which included his ex) that he was off the market.

But sometimes, the significant other really doesn't have anything to hide. They'd just rather not deal with hundreds of unimportant people all up in their business, especially when it comes to someone special. I've seen people purposely write ridiculous stuff to folks who are in relationships just to see if they will get a rise out of the new boyfriend or girlfriend. And I've been surprised quite a few times at people I'm not that cool with commenting on random, unimportant stuff anyway because that means that they actually paid attention.

I've also seen people in relationships change their status to single just to piss their loved one off during a private spat, which has now officially become public and ugly. In a matter of seconds, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people have seen the "Nina Lovehall is no longer in a relationship" with that cracked heart icon in the news feed, and now you are getting blown up on your wall with posts like, "girl you didn't need him anyway." Or "Nina, call me, it's Rodney. I will console you girl." This type of game-playing further infuriates your loved one, putting your relationship in very real danger off of something that Jerry Springer guests often say "could have been handled at home." 

I've also seen male friends have to tell female Facebook friends they may have went on one or two dates with to stop harassing them about every comment or photo they had posted involving other women. It's gotten that ugly. One friend even had to tell a girl not to put a photo of them together as her profile pic or actually refer to him as her man, boo or anything else in her statuses. That may be a real extreme case, but you are bound to see just about everything on Facebook.

When it comes to Facebook, I take the Beyonce Carter approach. I don't discuss it. Am I in a relationship? Hmmm. Wouldn't you like to know?

But here's my history with relationship statuses: After a difficult breakup where my ex and I had many mutual and professional friends on Facebook, I was able to slink away unscathed with not so much as a question after removing "in a relationship" to not having a relationship status posted in my profile at all. I was terrified that if I changed it to "single" it would show up on the news feeds, and the questions and condolences would come flying in. At the time, I just wanted the comfort of my solitude with only small doses from my closest, closest friends. Not someone I met during an internship years ago.

Personally, for the sake of argument, IF I am with someone, I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I don't need to say I'm in a relationship in a status including his name, and I don't need him to shout me out, either. It keeps the riff raff out of our relationship, and it keeps folks from trying to start some mess (i.e. obvious flirtatious wall posts, etc). I wouldn't even wax on and on about how I can't wait to see my boo later either in a status update. You'd be surprised at how petty people are. I've even seen folks get real nasty during a divorce on Facebook too. Just ugly.

My suggestion: As retarded as I think the whole Facebook-change-your-status-if-you-really-love-me fight is, it's a valid concern for some folks in this age of social networking. It's necessary to have the, "Wow, do we do Facebook?" conversation with someone you're seeing, just as if you are asking about their allergies or religion.

People have different theories. Some prefer the Bey/Jay kind of Facebook relationship, where it's no one's business, you don't deny or confirm, but when you see them together in real life, you know what the deal is. Some people like to tell the world and comment on each other's pages ad nauseam and constantly stalk the other person's page to make sure people aren't disrespecting their relationship and maybe even telling offenders to quit it. Some people feel like full public disclosure prevents sneaky behavior and helps them mark their territory.

But whatever you do, you've got to agree on what works for your relationship that makes everyone comfortable and secure. If you go the Heidi and Spencer public route, just be prepared for public comment on almost everything during, and even after, the relationship. (Damn that cracked heart in the news feed!)

As for me, the next time Facebook actually sees my relationship status ever again, it's going to say "married (now mind your business)."

TALK BACK:  Should couples be friends on social networking sites and report their relationship status? And if your significant other doesn't want to announce your relationship online, do you assume that he or she is up to no good and/or unsure about your relationship?