Sunday, October 18, 2009

7 Ways to Tell If A Man Is Married, Engaged Or Otherwise Taken


Among my friends, I'm the one who tends to attract men who are married, engaged, or involved in a relationship. If there's a married guy in the room out to cheat on his wife, he's probably going to approach me.

But here's the thing. They never admit that they're married. Or engaged. Or that they have a girlfriend. That is, until they're confronted about it. Somehow, I think they believe that women are stupid and won't see the signs. And while I may have been fooled in the past (more on that to come in a future blog post), I'm older and wiser now and you have to work really hard to fool me. I know that just because the guy isn't wearing a ring doesn't rule out him having a wife at home.

Still, the boldness of some men astonishes me at times. There's the guy who I found out was married via Google because his wife had created a wedding website when they got married. And there was another guy who begged me and a friend to meet him at the bar at a lounge we were at, while his wife was just a few feet away. There was also the guy who became my facebook friend, and then I promptly noticed that he described himself as being "in a relationship" on his page and he had pictures of himself with a woman who he called his "lady" in the photo captions. (He told me he was single when we met. Then, when I confronted him about his facebook relationship status, he admitted he had a girlfriend -- but he still asked me repeatedly to go on a date. No way, I said. I want my own man, not someone else's.)

And those are just a few examples.

So from my experiences, I offer 7 tips for how to tell if a man is married, engaged or committed, even if he won't admit it.

1. He only calls you while he's at work or when he's in transit. Ever met a guy who is only reachable during the hours of 9 to 5, Monday through Friday? Perhaps he might send a text when he's not at work, but talking to him is out of the question outside of business hours? Leave him alone, girl. He's either married or he's in a serious enough relationship that he practically lives with his girlfriend. The same goes for men who only call you when they're driving to/from work but never when they're actually at home.  

2. He is super slow to respond to phone calls and text messages. This suggests that he has to wait until he's away from his woman before he can talk to you. He's making an effort to pull the wool over your eyes by eventually responding, but constant delays mean something fishy is going on.

3. He won't give you his phone number. This is a dead giveaway. While many people have ditched home phones, most people these days at least have a cellphone number that they're willing to give out.

4. He gives you a cellphone number that is usually powered off, so it goes straight to voicemail. This could be a pimp move--Keeping a cellphone that he reserves just for the women he has on the side. But when he's with his main woman, that phone gets powered off. You can bet his main woman has his primary cellphone number, though!

5. When you meet him, he says he will memorize your number rather than write it down or put it in his cellphone. This is the guy who can't put your number in his phone, for fear that one of his wife's friends might see it happening. Believe it or not, this actually happened to me. It was a guy who claimed he was single and took up about an hour of my time at a hot party. At the end of the night, he asked for my number. I asked to see his cellphone so I could plug my number in. He wouldn't give it to me. He said he'd "memorize" my number. I knew at that point he was taken, but I decided to see how it played out. (Meanwhile, I told my girlfriend that I expected to hear from him between the hours of 9-5, per Rule No. 1.) He did indeed call me once *from work,* just as I predicted. I saw him out again recently, and I asked him if he was married. He said yes, and I walked away.

6. He won't spend the night. Come on ladies, if the relationship gets this far and the man will not spend the night, you should be asking yourself where he is going to lay his head at night. Don't allow yourself to be the woman he sleeps with just before going home to his girlfriend or his wife. 

7. You've never been to his house. I believe that part of getting to know someone is seeing how they're living and where they're living. That doesn't mean that you should accept dates that never occur outside of the house. But you should get to the man's home--and soon. If he doesn't invite you to come to his house, and he provides lame excuses for why you can't come by, there could be another lady living there already.

Did I miss anything? If you have additional tips for how to spot men who are married, engaged, or otherwise taken, please post them in the comments section.

15 comments:

  1. I think you hit many of the highlights. Nice list.

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  2. I will add that if you are fortunate enough to get the cell phone number and you are able to get through to him after work and not in route somewhere, beware that he may answer your call and act like you are one of his homies. If he is really on top of his game, he could very well be sitting next to his chick/wife and be talking to you in a tone that would make her think he is talking to a dude. Beware if he says things like, "Yo what up?" or some other jargon that is used with male to male conversations.

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  3. Great point, Nicol. Definitely need to look out for the guy talking to you like you're another man when he doesn't normally do that.

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  4. ha ha ha...girl you got this one! I'm a reformed player and I have to say your list sounds so familiar. Oh, that used to be me.
    Ladies, carry this list in your pocket and refer to it regulary when you go out!

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  5. LOL, Akil! Your comment has me cracking up! Let us know if there is anything you'd like to add!

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  6. I think the only thing I would add is; ladies dont be afraid to ask a guy if he is married/involved from the beginning. Most men are not good at lying so be sure to look at his body language when you ask the question. Looks away, checks his watch, fidgits with his drink, puts his hand to his mouth as he speaks...all indication that he has something to hide. Also if he tells you he is having problems with his S.O. and "It's about to be over", run away. He is just trying to start a little "Side Project". You deserve to have someone who is honest with you about everything in there life so don't ever knowingly date a man who is involved with another woman. It usually never works out in your favor in the long run.

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  7. Thanks, Akil! I'm sure that the ladies out there appreciate it. I know I do.

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  8. I would say if you never met his close friends and family. That's always a give away.

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  9. OMG Thanks for this list. All checked from my situation right now. But I'm still confused. Nwy, thank you so much for posting this!

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  10. I have seen this guy that works at the grocery store and he is soo cute. We have had our glances at one another, but I have no idea what type of guy he is or if he is already taken. I think he might be because he is gorgeous and extremely thick in the right ways. When I see him-I just look and then go about my business, but the conversation has never really happened between us, yet. Should I try to get to know him or just move on to someone else? Thanks for the feedback-

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  11. I recently met a man that lives in another state. I live in Georgia, he lives in Texas. He's also leaving to go back to Texas next month, his job is moving him away. He asked me out on a date and I agreed to go but now I'm wondering, should I even try to get to know him?

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  12. OMG this is something im going thur right now. So im just getting over a divorce and my friend decided to hook mi up with one of her bf friends. I guess she was tired of seeing me down, So i agreed and went out with her and mistery guy. Well i had a great time had a nice conversation with him he was very respectful the whole night. Gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked me to my car. He asked for my number and i gave it to him. Althought it took him about 3 days to call me he did. so ever since we hanged out 3 4 times a week. But just recently he has stopped texting me like he use too only textes me from 9-5 and i dont see him on th weekends anymore he also accidently messaged me from a different number and told me it was his cousins so i dont know what to think does he have some one else or was he with someone when i meet him or was i just to nieve to notice. ? help i dont know what to do stay away from him or what i really do like him and would like to have something serious!

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  13. I have come across a man that used the 'I have a job interview in another town so I will stay at a hotel and come back after the interview." later to find out he lied he had been overnight with another woman, so I think there are so many other signs as well and the list is very true as I also been through the phone number ordeal obvious signs.

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