Why This Picky Lady is Glad I Tried Online Dating

Friends who know me well know that I'm a little picky... OK, maybe a LOT picky.

I don't have a checklist of requirements for Mr. FabFem. But I do know what I like, and more importantly, what I don't like. I like tall guys, not short ones. I like guys with a little edge, but not so much that they're thugs. I like guys with careers, not just a job. A sense of humor, a car and his own roof over his head are a must. Any man who wants to be in my life must at least tolerate my little dog, and he has to want kids. It's OK if he already has a child, but more than one is pushing it. He should dress for the occasion and keep himself looking clean, put together and nice. Pretty teeth, fresh breath, and nice shoes are much appreciated. He should be caring, supportive, family oriented, and confident (maybe even a little cocky). And he can't be possessive or scary or crazy.

So with all of those requirements, many guys get ruled out quickly. But somehow, Handsome Honey is meeting all of them. He's 6'1 with a sexy bald head, a career, a pretty smile, the ability to make me laugh, a house, a nice car, and no kids. He plays with my little poodle, who seems to like him, too (a far cry from Cutie With Attitude, who suggested I get rid of my dog because he doesn't like animals. Ha, not gonna happen). So I'm not complaining... so far. It's still very early, so let's hope it stays that way.

I met Handsome Honey via eHarmony a couple of weeks ago now. We see each other a few times a week. And oddly, I don't even mind hanging out in the house with him on occasion, watching TV or playing Guitar Hero. Strange, because you know that's my pet peeve when it comes to these other random dudes who I wasn't feeling like that.

After meeting Handsome Honey on the cusp of deciding whether to give up online dating, I ultimately decided to take a break after a month of paid membership on eHarmony. But I didn't cancel my subscription because I hated it. On the contrary, I'd say it was worthwhile.

In fact, I think there may be something to eHarmony's claim that it matches you with people with compatible personalities. What else can explain the 7-hour phone conversation Handsome Honey and I had on the very first day we talked? (Yes, I said *seven* hours straight. Crazy, right?) Or the fact that we spent hours together on the first day we met in person? Or that we find each other finishing each other's sentences because we think so much alike?

It's funny to say that now because I was so hesitant to try online dating in the first place. Remember that?

But I gave in, and I'm glad I tried it. I met a crazy (Weed Smoker), a weirdo (E-mail Man) and a loser (Southern Gentleman). But I also met Handsome Honey.

So, um....why didn't someone put me onto this online dating thing a little sooner?

TALK BACK: Are you a picky dater? What is on your list of requirements?

5 Online Dating Don'ts for Men

When it comes to online dating, your profile is the sole representation of who you are in a potential mate's eyes. If she doesn't like what she sees, she can ignore you or stop communication altogether.

So for the fellas, here is what NOT to do on your online dating profile:

1. Don't post groupie photos with rappers or celebrities. As a grownup, it's not cool to post a picture of when you met the rapper T.I. I know you're excited, but I don't care, and it makes you look pressed.

2. Don't post a picture of you in front of the Remy Martin graffiti background at the club...especially if you're 36. This is a true story. And this guy's second (and only other photo) was him at the club dancing, throwing his hands up in the air. Enough said.

3. Don't list yourself as a rapper/musician/producer under the category for "profession." I understand if music is your hobby, but do you have a day job? Please list the job that is your primary source of income.

4. Don't post half-naked bathroom mirror cellphone photos. This is not cute. Seriously. Put some clothes on and stop taking pictures in your bathroom. And this applies whether you have a nice body or a whack one. Please leave something to the imagination.

5. Don't only include photos of yourself wearing white T-shirts, wife beaters, sagging pants or hoodies. If I only see pictures of you wearing the aforementioned clothing, I'm inclined to think that you don't own other types of clothes. I'm not saying you have to wear a suit, but what do you wear when you're going someplace casual but nice? If the answer is a white Tee, please grow up.

TALK BACK: What would you add to my list of online dating don'ts for men?

Why I May Hang Up My Online Dating Hat

Nearly a month ago, I decided to give online dating a try. It couldn't hurt, I figured, and it seemed everyone had tried it except me.

And now, nearly a month into my eHarmony subscription, I can say it was worthwhile. But I'm not sure I'm going to renew my membership. I said going into this that I'd give it a shot for a month or two, and I intend to stick to that plan.

In my 3.5 weeks of membership, I had one boring date who deleted me as a friend on Facebook because I wouldn't go to his house, one Weed Smoker who stalked me by text for a few days, and one guy who prefers e-mail over phone conversations (he still hasn't called me).

And last but definitely not least, I had one *great* date that occurred just yesterday, so eHarmony definitely got something right. I was matched with this guy a few days ago, and I thought he was cute, so I sent him an "icebreaker" (a short note that says something like, "Love your smile!") He initiated communication with me when he got my message. We went through the guided communication process within a day or so, and two days ago, we talked on the phone for SEVEN hours. Don't ask me what all we talked about. I don't know. Seems we talked about everything.

Me and this guy, we'll call him Handsome Honey, met up for a late lunch yesterday, and we spent hours together. I was especially impressed early on that when he was running a little bit late, he texted me to let me know. When I didn't reply to his text (I hadn't seen it yet), he called me to make sure I got the message. Why don't other men (*clearing my throat* -- like Super Texter) understand this sort of common courtesy? Handsome Honey has definite potential.

Still, even though I had one good match on eHarmony, I don't know if I want to continue my subscription right now. Quite frankly, online dating is a lot of work. I've heard people say they barely ever get new eHarmony matches, but for some reason, I get five or six new matches every day. I simply don't have the time to thoroughly look at them all. My inbox has 70-plus open matches right now. I think I need an eHarmony break.

TALK BACK: Do you find online dating to be overwhelming at times?

A New Pet Peeve: The Guy Who Only E-mails

I think I discovered something worse than the man who texts more often than he calls--a guy who won't text or call. Instead, he prefers e-mail.

WTF.

This is the first I've encountered this phenomenon, and it came to me courtesy of eHarmony. A guy, we'll call him E-mail Man, wants me to meet him for a date. But here's the thing: I really don't want to meet anyone from eHarmony in person who I haven't had a real, live conversation on the phone with first. So I sent him my phone number over a week ago. And instead of calling, he keeps writing me via eHarmony's in-house e-mail system. Yesterday, he sent me a message giving me his personal e-mail address after I suggested that he call me before we meet in person.

I'm really so over him. Seriously.

What is so hard about picking up the phone? I'm not saying it has to be a long conversation, but I very well might hate him, and I'd like to know that before I put effort into going to meet him in person.  

It would be one thing if I'd actually met this guy in person in the first place. But he comes from the anonymous world of online dating, so I want a phone conversation prior to us meeting in person. But after sending him my phone number over a week ago, and mentioning again that I think we should talk on the phone before going on a date--and then having him ignore me, sending me his e-mail address instead--I'm really just so done.

I think I will probably end up not going on a date with him, simply because we barely communicated via eHarmony, except for him to ask me out. I can only hope he'll get a clue and pick up the phone.

TALK BACK: Would you go on a date with someone you met online but you've never spoken with on the phone?

How I Lost a Facebook Friend Because I Won't Go to His House

Southern Gentleman--the first guy I went out with from eHarmony--deleted me as a friend on Facebook yesterday, after I said I wasn't comfortable coming to his house to watch movies because we've only been out on one date.

I guess he wasn't such a gentleman after all.

Now, y'all know how I hate it when guys just want to lay up in the house. Still, I tried to soften the blow. He texted me earlier yesterday saying he'd like to see me again. I said, "That sounds good. What do you have in mind?"

A couple of hours later, he replied to say he was thinking we could have drinks but that he also wanted me to come to his house to watch movies--if I was comfortable with that.

Well, I am not comfortable with going to a guy's house who I (A) met on the Internet, (B) have only known a week (and I say that loosely since I didn't meet him in person until this weekend), and (C) have only gone on one date with, and that was just this past weekend.

So I replied to his message with the following: "That's sweet. I would be more comfortable if we went out again first. I'm not afraid of you or anything. It's just a comfort thing for me."

Notice that I did NOT say, "Look fool, I don't know you like that, and I sure ain't coming to your house!" But you can bet that's kinda what I was thinking.

So imagine my surprise when I noticed a short while later that we were no longer Facebook friends. (Background: Southern Gentleman sent me a request to become Facebook friends last week as the next step after we communicated via eHarmony.) He also hadn't responded to my text message. After an hour passed, I was so shocked that this dude had actually deleted me because of this that I decided to call him to see if he'd fess up.

I ended up getting his voicemail, so I left a nice message, saying that I hoped I hadn't offended him in some way that caused him to delete me as a friend. Now, let me be clear: My feelings were not hurt. I just wanted to see if he'd own up to deleting me because I don't want to lay up in his house. A short time letter, I got a text from him. (Side note: I *hate* it when guys respond to a phone call with a text message. Whack.) His text said: "I'm not offended. I deleted you by mistake. My bad. Sure we can meet out again before you come over." 

I deleted you by mistake? Does that actually happen? As one friend pointed out, it takes quite a bit of effort to delete a friend on Facebook.

TALK BACK: Would you buy it if someone told you that he/she deleted you as a Facebook friend by mistake?

Adventures In Online Dating: Beware of Liars

Public Service Announcement: Be honest on your online dating profiles because your potential matches will eventually discover that you lied. And they probably won't be happy about it.

I'm talking about people who tell big lies about their height or their jobs, for example. And I have a new pet peeve: If you smoke--and I mean if you smoke anything--do not answer "no" or "never" for the question about whether you're a smoker. Smoking weed is smoking, dammit. Please don't waste my time.

One guy who I spoke to on the phone after signing up for online dating--we'll appropriately call him Weed Smoker--is 39 years old and told me that he regularly smokes weed. After getting off the phone with him, I looked at his eHarmony profile again. Under the "Smokes" question, he listed, "Never."

WTF. Why lie?

Probably because he knows that many women don't like smokers and that he would get "closed" immediately when they discovered he still gets high. Or maybe it's because he doesn't think weed smoking qualifies as being a "smoker."

But he's wrong.

He, like most guys I know who smoke weed, says he doesn't do it every day--but he does smoke weekly at least, essentially whenever the mood strikes him. But I've reached the point in the my life where how infrequently someone smokes doesn't matter. I'm asthmatic and have severe allergies and sinus problems, and I don't fool with smokers of any kind -- Period. Plus, I want to have kids eventually and I don't want to worry about whether Daddy is high when he picks them up from daycare.

Weed Smoker was also a little too quick to suggest that I cancel my eHarmony account and stop dating others immediately because he's going to be my man. I laughed the first, second and third times he said it ... like, he really can't be serious. And there's more: He may either be very impatient or obsessive, based on something that happened today. He called my phone this afternoon while I was busy on another call. He then sent a text (in all capital letters) immediately afterwards, which I recieved and intended to reply to when I was free. But then, not even 30 minutes later, he called again (I let it go to voicemail). And that annoyed me.

Fortunately for me, my experience with Weed Smoker has not been the norm in the one week-plus since I signed up for eHarmony. Not even a week after creating my account, I had my first date with a guy I met on the site.

Not bad for just a few days' work.

The date was okay. We met at a restaurant and had drinks and appetizers. It was a tad bit boring, and I'm not sure if there are sparks there. But now that a few days have passed, I think perhaps the guy--we'll call him Southern Gentleman--is just a little shy because he's been texting me since then and he's clearly interested. So I've decided I would go out with him again if he asks.

So, Weed Smoker aside, I'm pleased with the online dating experience so far, having just begun Week 2. But I have to say that it's becoming a bit overwhelming. Every day, eHarmony sends me five or six new matches. And every day I get more requests to communicate from new guys.
I simply can't keep up.

As I type this, I am currently in the "communication" phase with eight different guys, not including the two I described above. I also have 36 matches who I haven't started communicating with but who eHarmony thinks could be potential matches. And those numbers don't count the matches who have been "closed" for various reasons.

Put simply, it's a lot to take in.

Still, I will stick with it, at least through the end of the one-month period that I've paid for.

And hopefully I won't run into any more undercover weed smokers.

TALK BACK: For people who've tried online dating, have you later discovered that potential matches were less than truthful on their profiles? Have you ever lied on your online dating profile?

Why I Decided to Try Online Dating

I've been known to say I'd never try online dating. Too many crazies in the world, I said, and if I start finding dates online, I'm bound to run into trouble. Plus, why would I pay a monthly fee to find dates?

But recently I realized that I attract crazy people, jerks, and losers anyway--in real life, just by going about my daily business. I'm not hurting for dates, but crazies and married/engaged/taken men seem to like me. So what do I have to lose by trying online dating?

Probably not much.

And given my track record, I guess I could use a little help.

So on Saturday, I created an eHarmony account. I chose eHarmony because they claim to match you with people who they think you're most likely to be compatible with, based on how you respond to a long list of questions you must answer when you sign up for the site.

eHarmony seems to gradually match you up with people. It matched me with five people the first day, another five or six on Sunday, and another five or six people today. The site allows users to go through each person's profile, view their descriptions, their answers to a pre-set list of questions, and their photos. If you don't like that person's profile, you can "close" the match out--another way of saying, "I'm just not that into you."

But if you are interested, you can opt to send an "icebreaker"--chosen from a list of cute sayings such as, "I like your smile," or "Hey, I enjoyed your profile. Let's chat!" Or, you can choose to start the communication process using either "guided" communication (a tedious process that involves sending two short lists of questions to your potential mate, as well as a list of likes/dislikes), or if you're really feeling the person, you can ask to "fast track" the process, which takes you straight to being able to send "open" messages through eHarmony's in-house e-mail system. That way, you're communicating with the person, but they don't actually have your personal contact information.

And that's as far as I've gotten so far. I am "communicating" with five potential matches--three of those conversations are still in the "guided" process, where we're exchanging information via our answers to each other's pre-selected questions. One conversation has finished the guided process and progressed into "open" communication on eHarmony's website, but that guy is kind of boring me, to be honest. And the fifth guy (who has a very nice smile) sent me a request to "fast track" our conversation today, skipping the guided process altogether. After I accepted his request, he sent me one nice note this morning. I just responded, so I'm awaiting his reply.

I also have 13 other guys with whom I've been matched by eHarmony but who I haven't contacted yet, and they haven't reached out to me yet, either. (And there are a few guys who I "closed" out for various reasons upon seeing their profiles.)

I'm trying to be open during this process. I don't expect a guy to look like LL Cool J, Maxwell, or Tyson Beckford. But he does have to include a photo on his profile in order for me not to "close" communication with him. After all, if you know what I look like, why shouldn't I know what you look like?

One guy in particular appears to be adorable. Tall, handsome--a dog lover who doesn't appear to take himself too seriously. (I have a small toy poodle, and I like being around people who enjoy life, despite its pitfalls.) Of course, now that I said that, he'll probably prove to be disappointing. Ha.

But even if that one doesn't work out, I'll stick with eHarmony for the next month or two to see what happens.  If nothing else, I figure it'll be good fodder for the FabFem blog. I'll keep you posted. 

TALK BACK: Have you ever tried online dating? Why or why not? And if so, did you meet a good match?