'Let's Talk About Pep' Reflects Sad State of Dating

If the new reality TV show, Let's Talk About Pep, is any indication, the world of dating for black women is a sad, sad, sad state of affairs.

I mean, I thought I had it rough. But Pep hasn't had a date or had sex in four years. FOUR YEARS! Whoa.

And when she finally did get a date, the dude's hair (was it an S-curl? A Jheri curl?) caught on fire as he tried to romance her in the hot tub. Oddly, this didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she left her girls wondering whether she had sex with him after his hair fire was extinguished.

I had a little teeny bit of hope for a date who took Pep's girl Kittie out. He was a bit boring but at least seemed like he was about something--at first. That is, until Kittie made it clear that she was bored with his talk of his business and financial planning. Then, I guess dude decided he needed to keep her attention by getting freaky. He started talking about his foot fetish at the dinner table in the restaurant. Then he took her to the strip club to "make it rain."

Really, dude?

I guess it worked for him, though. Kittie was all about it, getting freaky in the strip club, bending over, shaking her bootie as he threw money at her. 

The date ended with him sucking Kittie's toes in the car on the way home. Major FAIL. Yuck. Did this fool know he was going to be on TV? He's now officially a laughing stock and will surely get clowned by any woman he approaches who saw last night's episode.

Sadly, Kittie's date's behavior wasn't that shocking for me, since I recently ditched Cutie With Attitude, who has a foot fetish, too, and would cop an attitude because I would not send him camera phone photos of my feet and other body parts. He and Kittie's lame, freaky date would get along well, I'm sure.

TV personality Jacque Reid is another friend of Pepa's, and she's at the point in her life where she is less worried about finding a man and more worried about becoming a mother. She's nearing the end of childbearing age and has reached the point where she's ready to have a baby even if she doesn't have a husband. She took Lamman Rucker out to dinner to broach the subject of if he'd father her child.... and I definitely ain't mad at her for that. He's so fine that many women (myself included) wouldn't mind him being a baby's daddy. *Fanning myself* at the thought of Lamman's fine, fine, fine self. Oh boy, that's a gorgerous man. Wow.

A quick Google search suggests that Pepa is 42 or 43 years old. I am 29. I'd hoped dating would improve as I got older. But the hot mess I witnessed on television last night gives me little hope. No worries, though, I can always take Jacque's approach if all else fails in another decade or so.

Thrill of the Chase: Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy

There's something to be said about how men respond to being ignored. It's totally counterintuitive for us as women, but it's like guys enjoy being ignored. It keeps them interested. Call it the thrill of the chase or whatever. Guys seem to love it.

I told you recently that I was holding out hope for Handsome Honey. Well, in addition to remaining hopeful, I also pretty much started ignoring him.

Like, not calling him at all. Like not sounding excited to talk when he first called me after not calling me for a while. Like being friendly but brief in our text message exchanges and sometimes not replying to his texts at all. And like going out on a date, albeit a bad one, with someone else.

And what do you know? I've talked to HH four times by phone in the past five or six days and I only initiated contact on one of those occasions, and that was because I had a problem that I needed his help with. Mostly he calls and says he's just checking on me. On Sunday he wanted to see me but I told him I was busy.

Today, when I called to ask him about my problem, he answered the phone even though he was in the midst of working on his home renovation. He took a break to see what I needed.

Now, I wasn't calling HH often to begin with, but in the past couple of weeks, my calls and texts have come to an almost complete halt. But maybe it's as simple as this advice from Yahoo! Personals: "By not calling him, he'll start calling you and wondering what happened."

Who knew?

TALK BACK: Do you think that ignoring a man makes him more interested in a woman? Why or why not?

Would You Date--Or Marry--a Weed Smoker?

I hate smoking. And for good reason. You see, I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. When I was a kid, simply being around my father's clothing after he smoked cigarettes was enough to make me start sneezing, have trouble breathing and give me a runny nose.

As I got older, I encountered a new type of smoke: Weed smoke. I never indulged myself; I was far too afraid of having an asthma attack to try that. But my friends smoked, some regularly and heavily. And when I was younger, it wasn't a big deal to date a guy who was a weed smoker, so long as he didn't smoke around me and wasn't into other types of drugs.

Now that I'm damn near 30, I'm annoyed by weed smokers. I don't like the smell, don't want to taste it when I kiss a guy, and don't like thinking he's under the influence or carrying weed on him when we're together.

But sometimes, I second guess myself. There's one guy (no, not this guy) who is a successful engineer who never smokes around me, but I know he smokes weed on occasion. He's 37, makes a six-figure salary and is otherwise a stand-up, good guy. Is it too rash of me to judge him for being an occasional weed smoker? 

I recently talked about this issue with a few family members, and they said as long as the guy smokes outside and never around me, I shouldn't sweat it. But still, I wonder, is this a compromise I should make in the name of love? Is it possible that my soul mate is a weed smoker?

TALK BACK:  Would you date or marry a weed smoker? Why or why not?

First Day of the Year, First Bad Date of 2010

It's never a good thing when your date feels himself up before you have a chance to.

Having been stuck in the house a lot lately--because of snowstorms and being sick--I took Cutie With Attitude up on his offer to go out to dinner on New Year's Day. I hadn't talked to him in weeks, since I asked him to stop contacting me, but he reappeared during the holidays, as they usually do.

I thought a nice dinner date would be a welcome trip out of the house. I thought. And I kinda sorta had fun...at first.

That is, until CWA unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and began rubbing his chest, doing an LL Cool J thing with his lips, while we were sitting at the dinner table in the restaurant.

As he felt himself up, he said, "You like that, don't you?"

Me: "No, really I don't."

WTF. Did he really think that was sexy?!? WHY ME?!?

It only got worse after that. Somehow the conversation turned to CWA's hatred for animals. Apparently a large dog bit him when he was a child. So, he told me, he hates dogs--and that includes my 4-pound dog. Any woman he marries better get rid of her dog if she has one, he told me. I told him that's too bad because the only way I'd ever consider getting rid of my dog would be if I fell in love with someone who was severely allergic to him. Otherwise, CWA can kick rocks.

Needless to say, I was happy when the check came, and I was very quiet the entire ride home. I was relieved that CWA did not attempt to come inside my place, but he did walk me to the door. When I got home, I decided to check out CWA's facebook page--He'd just signed up for fb not too long ago and we became fb friends while we were at dinner. I took a quick look at his page and went to bed.

The next morning, I tried to go back to CWA's facebook page to look at it in more detail--and guess what? He had deleted me as a friend on facebook! I texted him to say, "You deleted me as a facebook friend? Wow." He responded right away and claimed that he hadn't deleted me. He said he didn't know what happened. Must've been some sort of facebook glitch. Whatever, dude.

Do all of these dudes read from the same BS handbook of excuses? I'm mean, you really must be kidding me.

On to the next one.

Holding Out Hope for Handsome Honey

Handsome Honey is still around. And I *hope* it stays that way. Still, I hate to say it, but it's not looking good.

While we started off great with that 7-hour initial phone conversation, we've since diminished into talking on the phone maybe once a week, with an occasional text message in between.

I tried to write it off the last few weeks as him being busy. Finishing up final exams for his classes, demolishing and re-building his home, work commitments, etc. But let's face it: No one is that busy. And that's becoming more and more apparent now that he's on winter break from school and no longer has that excuse.

Don't get me wrong, I do like HH. Very much so. But we rarely talk at this point, so my interest is waning. I refuse to be the only one reaching out, so I'm basically just waiting to see if/when he calls me. The last time I saw him was the Sunday before Christmas. Then he texted me on Christmas day to wish me a happy holiday. I returned to town on the Sunday after Christmas after a visit with my family out of state and that evening, I received a text message from HH, asking when I'd be back in town. "I am back" was my reply. He replied soon after that, sounding annoyed that I hadn't let him know my whereabouts, saying he wanted to go to dinner with me that night.

But if you really wanted to take me to dinner, would you have waited until 7 p.m. that day to ask me? Really? Not to mention that we hadn't had an actual conversation in a week.

Nonetheless, I keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily a dealbreaker if -- and that's a big IF -- he gets it together. If he doesn't, I will have to assume he's just not that into me and move on.

Meanwhile, Mr. Serious has thrown his hat back into the ring, and there's a new guy from my hometown who we'll refer to as Home Boy. He's headed to town this evening to have drinks with me. Never a dull moment for FabFem. More on that later.

My DC Snowpocolyse Survival Story

I don't know why and I don't know who, but *someone* cleared the mountain of snow from atop my car after the DC Snowpocolyse this weekend.

We got nearly two feet of snow. It literally snowed for more than 24 hours straight. I watched from my window as my car disappeared beneath the snow, and I began to wish I still lived in a former apartment building where an overly friendly neighbor routinely cleared snow from my car.

As it snowed, I realized I'd be clearing the snow myself this time -- or so I thought. When I looked out the window again at nearly 10 a.m. on Sunday morning, my mouth dropped: My car had NO snow on it. I rushed outside to ask the few people out shoveling if they knew who had been nice enough to clean my car off. No one knew. It was an angel, I surmised, and I thank him or her wholeheartedly.

I still had work to do, though. The plow had my car trapped something awful with snow piled as high as its hood, and it took an hour's worth of shoveling just to dig myself out. And you know how I hate manual labor.

Still, I knew someone had done me a huge favor, so when I heard a friend needed a shovel to dig her own car out, I headed to her place next to help her dig out.

About an hour later, her car was freed and I headed home ... To rest my aching back.

TALK BACK: Were you snowed in this weekend? What did you do to pass the time?

Holiday Gift Giving for the Man in Your Life

It's been a long while since there was a guy around who I actually wanted to buy a Christmas gift for.

Handsome Honey has changed that. We've been seeing each other just over a month, and not getting him something just doesn't feel right.

Nearly two weeks ago, HH surprised me with a very cute pair of nice heels. Not stripper heels, not ugly shoes, but fly heels that I know I'll rock. He has great taste! I'm not sure if the shoes are my Christmas gift, or if something else is coming, but either way, I know he deserves a good gift.

Thus the search began in my mind for the right Christmas gift. What could I get him without doing too much, given that we haven't been seeing each other that long? I wanted my gift to be thoughtful, but not overdone. And I didn't want to get him something useless, since he seems to have everything he might want/need already.

So I settled on two things: a bottle of his favorite cologne and a giftcard from Home Depot. Why? Because HH is in the midst of a major home renovation, so a giftcard to a home improvement store is something I know he'll appreciate and will put to good use.

It feels good to actually want to buy a guy a gift. And knowing it's something he'll enjoy is a bonus.

TALK BACK: What are you getting for Christmas for the man in your life? How did you settle on that gift?

This Text Message Won't Help You Get the Girl

If you're a guy who likes me, thinks you might like me, or have any interest in me whatsoever, sending me the following text message is probably a bad idea:

"If a fat man snatches u up & throws u in a bag, don't be afraid. It's just Santa collecting his hoes for Christmas. I'm texting you from the bag."

That's a message I received from Mr. Serious at about 9 a.m. on Saturday morning, the first I'd heard from him since Thanksgiving. A few seconds later, he sent another text: "Hello! Good morning!"

Really, dude?

Still recovering from my recent swine flu attack, I was easily annoyed by Mr. Serious's text. He interrupted my much needed bed rest for that?

Still, I guess it's not surprising for a guy whose Thanksgiving greeting to me (by text, of course, because they always text) was, "Happy Thanksgiving and shit." Classy, ain't he?

If I expressed my dismay at these messages to him directly, he would say I'm being stuck up, I'm sure. So rather than rock the boat, I just didn't reply at all to the Santa message he sent on Saturday. I mean seriously, WTF?!?

Now, don't get me wrong -- I think I have a good sense of humor. In fact, a guy who makes me laugh is one of the qualities I look for in men I date. But you also need to respect me. Mr. Serious clearly didn't think of that before he hit the send button.

TALK BACK: Has a guy ever sent you a text that was a total dealbreaker? What did it say?

Could Your 'Homepage' Face Scare Away Your Dream Guy?

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Sometimes to amuse myself, I like to look at people's faces and wonder, or even make up, what might be on their minds.

I do it on the sneak tip, and I try not to linger. But I can't help but be interested in the way people "hold" their face when they are just going about their daily lives, not talking to anyone, just living while no one is noticing-- or so they think.

I call it the "homepage face." Simply put, it's just that general face you wear when you aren't running your mouth and more often than not the one you wear when you are all alone in public. You aren't smiling, yet you aren't scowling. You're just at, well, your homepage. It may be even better to call it a facial screensaver, because you pop right out of it when someone addresses you.  

Anyway, I've read that when it comes to dating or even in your professional life, what your face looks like when you think people aren't looking can say a lot about you and whether or not you are the kind of person folks want to deal with.

Even the annoying guy in the street who passes you saying, "Smile," might actually have a point. Sometimes.

When trying to get from point A to point B, we tend to put on a protective "don't approach me" face to rid ourselves of Mr. Undesirable-Pushy-Street guy. But are we possibly eliminating the kind of men we actually want in the process? Have you ever considered that Mr. Right might have been steps away, noticed you, got interested, but changed his mind once he observed your frosty encounter with Mr. Undesirable?

It's not far-fetched. I have close male friends (solid catches in their own rights), who say they tend to wait it out and observe a woman for a little while before they approach. If she's got a permanent stank grill, they immediately abort mission, regardless of how beautiful she is.
 
One day, I was walking down the street on my lunch break. I had on a great work-appropriate outfit, which accented my legs (heeeey) and for some reason, I couldn't ignore what a gorgeous day it was. The warmth of the sun, the flowers and the stately buildings surrounding me were commanding me to take notice and appreciate their beauty. 

TIMEOUT: It sounds sappy, but I was especially appreciative of that moment because at the time, misery was a regular companion. I was questioning myself workwise, and I had recently ended a rough relationship. TIME IN.

So, I walked into a fast food restaurant and ordered my lunch. I was patient and smiled and grabbed my food when it was my turn and rolled out. Now, I wasn't smiling like some idiot or skipping, but I was just naturally feeling pleasant. Apparently, my homepage reflected that.

I was taking the long way back to the office when a handsome, well-dressed man ran up behind me, begging my pardon. He startled me, but I stopped and noticed he was actually cute!

He gave the, "I'm not a stalker," disclaimer and told me he noticed me moments ago while standing in line ordering his food, too. (Well dressed, lunch break=has a job. Whoo hoo!) Then he apologized for sounding corny, but he said it seemed like I had some kind of glow. He continued that it was rather unusual to see a busy, professional woman seem so pleasant in the midst of a hungry mob and it didn't seem forced or fake. At first he said that he thought there was no way I could be that happy, but after watching me awhile, he had to meet me and see what I was really about.

Like my male friends, he obviously watched me for a good while to see if the stereotypical stank grill would surface. He was sizing me up once he realized he was physically attracted and followed up with observing how I carried myself.

I wasn't impatiently patting my foot, or huffing and puffing, or angrily looking at my watch or yacking on a cell phone or texting in line. I cracked a smile when placing and picking up my order, but still managed to not go to the default stank homepage face when I walked out. 

He was an engineer, never been married, no kids and ran marathons. A good catch. I just wasn't ready for anything at the time.

TALK BACK: Do you unconsciously keep a stank face when going about your daily business? And is it possible that your "homepage" face could scare away the men you actually want?

The Representative Has Left the Building

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Comedian Chris Rock once said that when we are initially dating, we are not our real selves, but instead we send our "representatives" out on the dates for us. This representative is kind of like the person we become on a job interview-- just with a lower cut blouse and higher heels--who help to make us look and sound good to help us seal the deal. (But at least on a date you can have a cocktail to calm your nerves.)

I know of people who are transitioning from their representatives to their real selves, and it's not only been a revelation to the people these folks are dating, but it's been a revelation of self when the mask comes off.

If you are fortunate enough to find someone special enough to let down your guard, it can be both a great relief, yet extremely scary. You've put in the work, you've snatched up the person of your dreams, the representative has done her job and now that she's left, it's just you and him. For real. So he knows that sometimes you are terribly forgetful or that you always leave the cap off of the toothpaste, and eek, he even knows you own a couple pairs of granny panties.

So my question is... are we liars out the gate? And do we adjust our bad habits or try to hide them according to the likes and dislikes of the people we like, in order to get them to stay?

I know women who started cooking more often because a guy they liked loved a home-cooked meal. But during a usual week, hidden cameras would probably catch them eating out breakfast, lunch and dinner, five out of seven days in the week.

"But I don't want him to think I'm not wife material," she says, trying to keep up the lie.  

I know men who aren't necessarily neat freaks and don't mind clutter as long as it's not pizza boxes and beer bottles piling up throughout the house, who find themselves scrambling to powerwash their entire homes because a neat freak gal they are interested in is stopping by in an hour to watch a movie.

"I don't want her to think I'm nasty," he says.

The prevailing theme in all these examples is fear. Folks are afraid of their faults, and folks are afraid that the people they've worked so hard to get to see them in a really great light will realize the gig is up, you are a fraud, leading them to walk out of your life forever. But a good question is, did these two misrepresent themselves in the first place? Or are they trying to adjust to what their significant other likes?

I don't like smoking.

But I even dated a smoker once who declined to share upfront that he was a smoker. He kept up the facade for a couple months before I confronted him about the pack of cigarettes I found in his car. Then he assured me that he only smoked when he went out for a drink or after a meal. I continued to date that person for a long time (I really liked him), yet I reminded him every so often (trying not to nag) about how smoking is a nasty, unhealthy habit, and I hoped he would give it up one day soon. To his credit, he constantly kept mints on hand, and he never smoked around me. Obviously, he wanted to keep me.  So I see how the other side works, too.

Believe it or not, smoking didn't end that relationship. Even though I didn't like his smoking, I liked him more. And he liked me enough to smoke on his porch when I visited (even in the winter). So was it fair of me to want him to quit? Was it fair of him to fight his urge after we've had a nice meal out, knowing he's trying to get through dessert while jonsing for a cig? Or were we both just making "reasonable" sacrifices to make it work?

TALK BACK: Will individual bad habits (we aren't talking drug abuse, porn addiction or other obvious bad, bad stuff here) eventually break a relationship? Or can people find a compromise? In other words, if you know it's something your partner struggles with, will you try to work past it as long as you see some effort on his end?