Nina's Prediction: Extreme Change May Lead to Love

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

A dear, dear friend of mine is taking a job overseas.

I'm thrilled for her, a little nervous about her safety or how how she will handle really bad bouts of homesickness, but still I look at this new adventure for her with great optimism and pride.

Not only is she going to embark on something that will help her professionally, but I do believe after having a lull in the love department, that area may pick up as well.

It's actually a secret thought that I've had since she announced her pending move.

Let's face it. My friend is an unapologetic, outspoken, out-of-the-box kind of thinker. She'll quit a job she hates with the quickness, she'll travel when the need suits her, she'll go back to school for another degree, she'll jump out of planes for fun or she'll learn mixed martial arts.

A conventional man can't handle her. She doesn't want a conventional man. And she's not going to meet her non-conventional man in a conventional way.

Why do I think will she meet an awesome guy where she's going? Because that guy is probably just like her. What makes this fantasy union in my head more fabulous (aside from the fact it's international and that's always sexy) is the fact that they won't even be looking for each other when they do meet. They'll both just be looking for adventure and will stumble upon each other in the process, in probably a really competitive manner-- which both of them will find hot and irresistible.  That's how I imagine it. She will be more vulnerable than usual in this strange land and can let go to this kindred adventurous spirit more so than while being here in the states, and from there, I think love may blossom faster than you can fill a 3-ounce bottle with your favorite hair product.

The fantastic, and yet equally frustrating thing about my bud, is her ability not to settle. That's in both her personal life and professional life.

It seemed that everything was stacked against her in terms of her dreams and trying to find her way. Keep in mind the dream job she finally snagged took around five years of dead ends and disappointments to finally achieve.

She had to face her parents bringing home job applications and watching her friends and even her younger sibling make great strides in their professional lives. I'd cringe for her when people would (sometimes harshly) ask what she's doing with her life. Even I wanted her to take a more safe route. Sometimes I thought she was being stubborn and unrealistic. I told her, "You've got to do something even if you don't like it, boo. That's life, that's being an adult. I hate seeing you in this situation." She'd take a deep breath. She'd tell me that something is bound to happen and kept relentlessly courting the companies she wanted to work with overseas and staying up till the wee hours of the morning watching television shows from that country of her desire and learning the language until something came through. Finally it did. And I couldn't be happier for her. 

That kind of faith, that kind of tenacity-- despite what even your closest family and friends say-- makes me quite sure that once her professional endeavors start clicking for her, love won't be too far behind. And when it comes, it's going to be just as exhilirating as her getting that offer letter and that plane taking off.

TALK BACK: Do you think settling in life and settling in love go hand in hand?

Beware of the Stalker Neighbor

I've said a time or two before that I attract crazies.

Today just solidified that I do it without even trying.

I walked out to my car at about 8 a.m. to head to work. I noticed a folded up piece of paper on my windshield when I got in the car. So I reached to grab it. There I found a typewritten note that said the following (punctuation and capitalization copied exactly from the note):

"Dear FabFem,
I have been attracted to you from the first moment I saw you. I was walking to the grocery store on a Saturday morning to get milk.
My first chance meeting with you was the snow storm. I was helping people get out of their parking spaces...and then comes this Angel of BEAUTY!!!
I did my deed, and then I gathered my courage to ask you for your phone number...and you said you had a boyfriend? I don't know if that was a nice way of letting me down or if you were involved with another man.? But if things have changed or if I can be a friend?...I was hoping you could call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX or XXX-XXX-XXXX. I would like to take you out to eat and we could get to know each other better!
I'm a little shy and clumsy when I try to talk to a Beautiful woman such as yourself for the first time.Which you probably noticed. That's why I decided to write what I feel!
Stalker Neighbor [Real name omitted]
stalkerneighbor@neighbor.net"

The note struck me as a cross between sweet... and creepy. First of all, he approached me during the snowstorm? ... You mean the one in February? And four months later, you're still watching me and typed up a note to put on my car? Hmmm. Then I thought about if I remembered who this guy was. Turns out I do. I remember thinking he seemed creepy in person, so I told him I had a boyfriend (my usual line when I want a guy to go away am not interested). Little did I know, he didn't forget that conversation, even if I had.

Walking into work today, I decided to google his phone number. After all, he'd given me his cellphone and home phone numbers AND his e-mail address. A little googling got me his full name and address. Soon, I used that info to see if he had a criminal record, something a female cop once told me to do if I ever thought a guy pursuing me was weird, just to see what I'm dealing with.

Oh boy. I didn't expect what came next. Sometimes, information is power, and other times, it can scare the hell out of you. Turns out Stalker Neighbor has been charged in the past few years with stalking, assault, false imprisonment, disorderly conduct, trespassing, possession of a deadly weapon, and a peace/restraining order had been issued against him a couple years back. 

Whoa. Mind you, he lives like a block from me, and I think I can be pretty sure he's been watching me. Sigh.

I phoned Prince Charming, who when he isn't saving the day for me, is a police officer by profession. He wanted to go knock on dude's door.

But I couldn't let him do that. That could turn out really, really badly.

Instead, I okayed PC calling him. PC told SN over the phone that he was my boyfriend and that while I appreciated the flattery, I wasn't interested. He said SN took it well, said he understood and respected that.

Let's hope so. Meanwhile, I think I'll go buy some pepper spray.

TALK BACK: Have you ever had an overly aggressive neighbor who wanted to date you? How did you handle it?

6 Signs the Guy You're Dating May Be Crazy Or Abusive

I've tried to work on my patience over the years.

You know, not be so quick to cut guys off over small things.

I try to see the good in people but also not ignore the bad. Unfortunately, I think I failed miserably when it came to Mr. Courtship.

Mr. Courtship said all the right things... at first. He took me out, we had great conversation, and he showed an interest in the people and things that matter to me most. And, perhaps the best part of all... He cooks. Very well.

But after a few weeks, I started to have some concerns about Mr. C. I realized that he was impatient, almost unreasonably so, at times. Not with me. But just over small things that it seemed unreasonable to get upset about.

And soon, his impatience did turn to me. Like one early morning when I didn't answer his phone call because I was in the shower. I called him back after I'd gotten dressed when I was in the car, on my way whereever I was headed that day. Sounds reasonable, right? Not to Mr. C. This fool actually suggested that I should get in the habit of putting my cellphone on the toilet basin so that I can hear it--and answer it--even when I am in the shower. I searched for a hint he was joking. Couldn't find one. So I moved on, with that tucked into my mind as a RED FLAG that I should keep an eye on.

Not long after that, I decided to cut Mr. C off, not just because of that incident, but because I caught him in a major lie and decided it was time for him to go. Unfortunately, I think he realized his time had come -- so he refused to answer the phone. I finally sent him a text message asking him not to contact me anymore. Then, four days passed -- mind you, we had talked daily since we met until then -- with no word from him, so I thought he was abiding by my wishes.

But on the fourth day, he called me around 5:30 p.m. I didn't answer. He then called three more times up until 7:30 p.m., when he left me the following message:

"Yo, you're gonna answer your God%amn phone. I'm going to f$%k you up. You better answer your phone. Why can't I get in contact with you at 7:31? Yeah, alright. You gonna get your @ss whooped."

Yes, I'm serious. He really did leave me that message for no reason other than I hadn't answered my cellphone for two (TWO?!) hours after not hearing from him for four days. And this time, I was sure there was no hint in his voice that he was joking. He'd never laid a hand on me and I never thought I had a reason to fear him...before that message.

I left him a voicemail the next day advising him that if he ever threatened me again, I would call the police and that I meant it when I told him several days prior that I was done talking to him. We spoke once over the phone after that--because I believe that when it comes to crazy people, it's good to know they're not coming to kill you where their heads are--and he told me he was over it and wouldn't bother me again. Let's hope he means that.

Meanwhile, I learned some valuable lessons from my experience with Mr. C (and let's call him Mr. Crazy from now on). Here are 6 signs the dude you're dating may be crazy or potentially abusive:

1. He complains constantly and/or always points out something he thinks you do wrong.
2. He always thinks you're wrong, even about stuff you know you're educated about.
3. He cuts you off mid-sentence and hangs up on you... say, once every week or two.
4. He gets an attitude when you don't answer your phone, even for reasonable time periods.
5. He complains when you go out with friends, even occasionally.
6. He gets mad if you speak to a friend or associate of his--and I do mean just "hello"--when he isn't present.

TALK BACK: Did I miss any signs a guy may be crazy or potentially abusive? Let me know by commenting!

WTF of the Day: Man Shoots Woman for Not Giving Out Her Phone Number

I have a standard line when a man approaches me and I'm not interested: "I have a boyfriend."

Sure, it's not always 100 percent effective. I've heard -- "What's your man got to do with me?" -- more times than I can count. (Thanks, Postive K, for planting this lame line in fellas' heads.)

But never... never ... never have I had a man *pull a gun* (!) on me for saying I'm not interested, like what happened to this college student, home from school visiting her family in Washington, D.C. She says a guy asked for her phone number as she left a party this past weekend. She said no. He threatened to shoot her if she didn't give up her digits. When she still refused to do so, he did just that. He shot her in the leg.

Really?

Seriously?!

Who does that?!

WTF!

It got me to thinking. What is the best approach for rejecting a guy so that he doesn't, you know, shoot you?

I say I have a boyfriend because I figure it's a gentler way to deal with the male ego. It's my way of saying, 'See, I'm not rejecting you outright. But I'm already taken.' They don't know it's not true, so they go away. Problem solved.

I once gave my number to a guy out of sympathy--because I thought he seemed nice (at FIRST), although I knew I'd never date him. I ultimately regretted it because I realized he was a little crazy in our first phone call. Then I started ignoring his calls. That's when he started stalking me on MySpace (back before Facebook took over) and by phone, putting in '187' (think: Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre') as the number to page me. I ultimately had to file a police report and change my number.

Because of that one horrible experience, I stick with my fictitious boyfriend lie to avoid stalkers. I've thought about giving out a fake number or using a service such as the Rejection Hotline (never heard of it? call 202-452-7468 for a good laugh), but that's a no-go, since most guys call you on the spot before you even have a chance to walk away. So far, I guess I'm doing a good job. No guns or knives have ever been pulled on me. Sigh.

TALK BACK: How do you tell a guy 'no' when he asks for your number and you're not interested? Does it scare you to hear the story of a young woman being shot for refusing to give out her number?

Is Courtship Dead?

Courting, according to Webster's Dictionary, means "to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from" and "to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage."

It seems simple, right? A guy who is serious about dating you will court you--in effect, he's showing he's serious about you by taking you on dates *outside of the house,* to public places, as you get to know one another.

As Steve Harvey once said on Oprah in an interview about his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, a "man with a plan" wants to court you. He knows from early on--maybe even your first meeting or phone conversation--what his intentions are for you. If he sees the possibility of getting serious with you, he courts you. Plain and simple.

I will admit that I thought courtship was nearly dead. But I still held out a little, eensy, weensy, teeny bit of hope.

After guys trying to lay up in my house before we really know one another, feeling themselves up on dinner dates, and acting crazy and deranged, I almost thought I'd never meet a man who was (A) normal (no stalking or signs of craziness); (B) wasn't married/engaged/already taken; and (C) actually believed in courtship...especially not after the guy from a few weeks ago, who we'll call Cheapskie, who told me that going out for ice cream (yes, ice cream, people, ICE CREAM) was "a luxury" that he wasn't willing to spend money on me for and instead invited me to his home for ice cream from his freezer -- as a first date, mind you-- when I barely knew him. Um, how about NO!? I declined.

Still, while I hadn't given up on men completely, I generally do me--work hard at my 9-5 and play hard with my girlfriends after hours, whether it's dinner or drinks after work or a night out at a nice lounge. I figured one day, maybe just maybe, I'd meet someone who was more interested in getting to know me and courting me than in simply laying up in my home or his.

It was on one of these nights out with a girlfriend that I met Mr. Courtship. My friend and I noticed him when he came into the lounge--he's cute, tall and broad like a football player--but he didn't notice us at the time. Later, as my girlfriend chatted with a guy she'd just met, I walked around the lounge by myself, checking out the scenery. That's when Mr. C approached. We exchanged numbers.

That night, Mr. C called to make sure I got home safe, and the next day, he asked me out on a date. We ended up hanging out that night until 6 a.m. the next morning--dinner, drinks, a party, and then just sitting in the car talking until the sun came up. He talked about believing in courtship. I smiled.

Mr. C lives about three hours away, but every day since we met, we've talked on the phone a few times per day. The next weekend, he came back to visit me. He cooked (it was delicious!). I swooned. And he shows an interest in my life and the people and things I care most about.

Seems like that shouldn't be so hard to find in the dating world, don't you think? Um.... notsomuch. But I think maybe I've figured it out. Mr. C, at least from what I can tell so far, is ready to be settled and is not playing any games. If I'd met him five or 10 years ago, that might not have been the case, as he would've been in a different "season" of his life. And maybe that's been my problem overall: Meeting men when they're still in "player season" rather than "settle-down season."

For a while, I thought online dating--my site of choice was eHarmony--was the key to finding men who were serious about dating and over the games.

Unfortunately, I learned that online dating is also a good way to find socially inept weirdos...such as the guy (you know him as Weed Smoker) who approached me in 'real life' at a lounge--on the same night I met Mr. C--and told me he met me online and that we'd lost touch. Sigh.

When I quickly recalled who he was--and that ONE (and only one) phone convo we had in which I realized he was crazy, I pretended not to be the person he thought I was. I don't think he bought it. I quickly got away as he started discussing how much he liked my toes (double sigh) and then he followed me around for the rest of the night. #FAIL

TALK BACK: Do you think courtship is a lost art? Why or why not?

A Man You Probably Haven't Considered: The UPS Guy

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL
 
If you are looking for a solid man--one with a stable job, who isn't lazy, who has a sense of time and duty, keeps himself nice and neat, and knows how to deal with people, I say look no further than your UPS guy.

Yup, I said it. And for you professional women who might feel like this brown collar man may not bring home enough bacon for you, a recent article in the Wall Street Journal may make you think twice about shrugging him off when he compliments you while you sign for your package on that electronic clipboard thingy.

WSJ reports that the average driver can pull in $74K a year, and with baby boomers retiring, the company is currently seeking new blood to the tune of 20,000 new drivers to fill those positions. And according to this article, with the intense training, these folks earn their living.

I'm not going to front. I've seen some hot UPS guys in my day, and you can't get mad when you see one in the summer rocking those shorts with some strong calf muscles, jumping on and off that truck handling business.

While no one wants to seriously leave matchmaking up to the HR department of UPS, you can certainly let them do the screening process for you. I'm sure UPS does drug testing, and with it's grueling training sessions that include delivering packages under slippery conditions, and delivering five packages within a fake town in 19 minutes--it takes a person that has determination, who can think fast, and who won't get easily deterred from a goal, to even get the job.

Who doesn't want a man like that?

TALK BACK:  Have you or would you consider dating a UPS guy?

Three Red Flags You're Dating a Crazy, Deranged MoFo

Have you ever met a guy who was just a little too into you just a little too fast?

Like you just met him but he's trying to move in with you already?

Or he snaps at you for not returning his calls within an hour or two, yet you just met him last week?

Or he tells you that he could see himself marrying you, yet you've been dating just a few days?

Believe it or not, all of the above have happened to me or my friends. And all of these examples, in my eyes, are warning signs that the guy could be, as Martin said in You So Crazy, a "crazy, deranged motherf%&$er." Run, girl, run!

Case in point: My good friend, we'll call her Samantha, called me yesterday to update me on a guy--we'll call him Pressurizer--who she met last week when we were out for after-work drinks. She'd been talking to him on the phone daily for four days since they exchanged numbers. And on Day 4, he hit her with this over the phone: "So, where is this going? Are you even interested in me?"

Samantha, a bit taken aback, asked Pressurizer to elaborate, thinking he couldn't possibly be pressing her with such questions not even a week after they first met. They'd talked frequently and had a date planned for this weekend, so why is he trippin? Pressurizer told her he really likes her and he laid his expectations on the line. It came down to this: It's fine if they don't see each other face to face every day for now, but if they get into a relationship, he told her, he'd require they see each other daily.

Now, let me remind you: This conversation took place *four days* after Samantha and Pressurizer met. Not four months. Not four years. And he's already having a fit about not seeing her daily--to the tune of a two-hour conversation to discuss his "concerns"? Where they do that at?

Samantha is now thinking she will probably cancel her weekend date with Pressurizer because he put so much pressure on her so quick. I can't say I blame her. In hindsight, Samantha says, the fact that he called her for the first time at 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning the day after they met probably was the first warning sign he was a little too eager.

Guys, take note: Genuine interest is good. Scary/stalkerish/overeager tendencies are bad. Very bad. Here are three red flags we women generally take note of:

1. Possessiveness.  I once had a guy I'd just met--who had gone out of town for the weekend-- tell me that if he were in town, I wouldn't be spending time with my friends because all of my time would be spent with him. Mind you, I'd known him for about one week. I cut him off immediately. While some women may find possessiveness flattering, many women find it to be scary and a warning sign to run far, far away.

2. Unrealistic expectations. No, it is not realistic for you to expect a woman you've just met to clear her schedule every day all day for you. And it's not realistic to expect to talk to her five to ten times a day. She had a life before she met you, and yes, she's happy to include you in it, but slow your roll, dude.

3. Short temper. Sure, we've all had a 'waiting by the phone' moment, hoping that that special someone would call soon. But copping an attitude with your love interest about not calling you back soon enough is a surefire way to push the person away if you just met. Big no-no.

TALK BACK: There are many red flags that signal danger in the dating world. What do you look out for? What warning signs signal to you that a guy might be crazy or deranged?

Coming to Terms With Firing My Hair Stylist

It looked good, swung right, and made me smile just by glancing at it. I was ecstatic.

*pause*

That's right. I'd found a hair stylist who could do my hair just right. After tons of research online, I settled on a style called tree braids. I'd never known anyone who wore them but I thought they were cute, and always one to set my own trend, I went for it. A few hours more research later, I found a salon near my home.

At that salon was a hair stylist who did the damn thing when it came to my hair. So much so that I referred countless people to that salon for the same style. It's safe to say that I'm far from the only person I know wearing tree braids any more since I started rocking them last summer.

Problem was, the hair stylist I loved worked for a backwards-@ssed salon owner. Want to make an appointment? Don't count on it being easy. The process went a little something like this: A week prior to the appointment I wanted to schedule, I'd call the salon owner--who required that all appointments go through him, via his cellphone. He might answer, he might not. If you left a message, he might call you back or you might have to harass him to get a return call. He also requested that you call him back the day before the appointment to confirm. Then, when you make that day-before call to confirm, he informs you that he then has to call the hair stylist to see if she can make it. [Why the h#ll didn't you do that before, fool?] Then, a few hours later, he eventually calls back to confirm the appointment.

Sound painful? It was. And I did this every 6-8 weeks from August 2009 through January 2010. Then I got fed up. One day this month, when I called the salon owner to confirm my appointment--and he told me he'd have to call me back after talking with the hair stylist--I decided to get back on my research grind to find another hair salon.

Didn't take long. I'd done some preliminary research already and knew who else did tree braids in my area. There's a particular way I like them done that is different from the way most places do them, so after confirming the new salon could hook me up, I made an appointment there. It was that easy. One phone call, appointment confirmed. WHALA! 

So when the owner of the first salon finally called me back (over two hours later) to confirm my appointment, I told him I was canceling. And I told him why. In a nice way (I swear I was polite and cordial), I told him that his scheduling process is jacked up and (because of that and his tendency to be rude to customers when they call) had driven me and all of my referrals away from patronizing his business. He seemed to take it well... at first.

But apparently he had second thoughts. And that got me to thinking, maybe I should've read this advice or this advice about breaking up with your hair stylist before I spoke with him. Ah, hindsight.

Witness the voicemail he left me about a half hour after our phone conversation. [Full background: In addition to patronizing his business and referring my sister and friends, I also started a Facebook fan page for the salon at his request. But when I asked him to answer questions via e-mail from people who asked about pricing of various styles on the fan page, he couldn't be bothered.]

Play this in your head in the most smart-@ssed, irritated voice you can muster:

This is Salon Owner. I wanted to call you back and let you know I fully understand your position. This is my business model. And I work and the braiders do have to go through me because I still have to run this business and they don't go there and sit. I made it convenient for them as well so they don't just go there and sit. And I know I'm losing my customers to the braiders. There are not too many braiders who do tree braids. I know that I lose some of my customers to the braiders. There are not too many people in this area that do tree braids very well. When I'm not there I notice that I lose customers to some of the braiders. And it's highly possible that I've lost you and your sister to Hair Stylist and I wouldn't tell her that either. But I have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. This is the way I run this business model. I'm also very disappointed in those who would come to the shop and then move themselves into working with my braiders, and that is very disappointing as well because I work very hard to try to get customers in there. I had to go out and get a job and that's one of the reasons I haven't been responsive to facebook. I can't be responding to everything on facebook. I'm disappointed and I know that you're going to Hair Stylist, and Hair Stylist has to deal with that. So that's my message to you. If you care to call back, fine."

[*Names have been changed because I decided not to put Salon Owner on full blast, even though he is an @sshole deserves it.]

So in other words, dude is accusing me of stealing his stylist? The thing is, I did NOT do that, but Lawd knows I would if I could. But sadly, I don't have Hair Stylist's number. Later that evening, I got a long, rambling, unprofessional e-mail from the salon owner basically making the same points. #FAIL.

Anyhow, the new salon I went to is great. Takes a bit longer to do tree braids because they're smaller, but I've been told they look better. They have lots of braiders available for walk-ins at all times, and that = Lots of business. They stay busy. And it's much easier to make an appointment.

TALK BACK: Have you ever had to fire your hair stylist? How did it go?

You, Girl, Are the Cure for Trifling

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Have the one or two weed heads, thugs (real or imagined), or aspiring music artists or producers--who managed to slip through the cracks during a bad breakup--told you, "If I had a woman like you, I'd stay focused"?

Or:

"I'd get a job and keep one."

"I'd stop selling and/or smoking weed."

"I'd stop running these streets."

"I'd move out my mama's house...and stay with you."

"I'd go to/finish school."

Admit it. You've heard this or some variation. Don't fake. Take a minute, go back, way back, and you know there is one of these guys in your past. It may have been the guy with the killer smile who "sells real estate" but can't seem to explain to you what an ARM is.

Tell the truth, the aspiring rapper who sold you your furniture had a great body, and since he broke you off with the discount (see FabFem 's blog post about perks for pretty girls) for that gorgeous mahogany chaise, you listened to the mix tape he also threw in for free (street value $5) and got drinks when he got off. Hell, you may have even kicked him out of your house around 3 a.m. this morning, so you could get some rest before you went to work this morning.

Go ahead and laugh, because you have either slept with or endured at least a movie or an IHOP breakfast sampler with this man.

We don't judge you.

But I can bet that every one of these guys will tell you, "I'm not perfect, but girl, If I had a woman like you, I'd straighten up."

So there it is, even after being raised by somebody, somewhere and walking this earth as a grown man making his own bad decisions, somehow YOU will be the catalyst that's going to get him on the straight and narrow.

Allow me to share with you one of the highest compliments I once received from this type of man: "Girl, you'd make a good stepmom to my kids."

Fanfrigginstastic.

After hearing that, I had to start making some promises of my own, like, never to drink again, never to give out my number at gas stations or Chinese buffets, or fast food restaurants, no matter how bad the breakup or how low my self esteem at the time.

Believe it or not, young men aren't even the biggest offenders. Some of these men may be well into their 30s, still talking such foolishness. Some may even be fathers themselves and are STILL talking this foolishness.

Case in point:

A young man I met a long time ago told me that given the opportunity, he could see himself putting an end to his thuggish ways (which included still having one foot in the drug-selling community). He'd leave the game and live a good, clean life with me by his side.

I had to laugh and shake my head because this guy had a small child. Wise beyond my years, I gave a response that I'm proud of to this day: "If you have a child, and you love this child, it shouldn 't take me, someone you barely know, to motivate you to do better. Your child--that came from you--should be motivation enough."

Apparently he liked it, too, because after thanking me for keeping it real, he declared my brutal honesty was further proof that I was the kind of woman he needed after all.

At that moment, I grabbed my purse, and I told him I wished him luck on his road to redemption, but that I couldn't join him. I gathered my safety buddy/wingwoman (who was entertaining his friend) and we left.

TALK BACK: Has a bad boy ever said that you are what he needs to change his ways? Did you try? 

Sex On Your Period: Yay or Nay?

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Rumor has it that neosoul crooner/sex symbol Maxwell sent female concertgoers into a frenzy last year when he declared during his sensual set, "I don't care if it's that time of the month. We can put towels down."

Pick your collective jaws up off the ground. Even if you are against it, there was a time you probably considered it, just once: "I mean, I'm real light right now anyway..."

If I've pulled your card, simmer down, we're all grown. You aren't a dirty freak if you do it, want to do it or considered it that one time when you were real "light." As I get older, I'm noticing more men and women aren't as vehemently against the idea as when we were younger. I've been in a couple of conversations-- sober and not-- where both sexes have taken Maxwell's stance and even suggested putting down dark-colored sheets in addition to the towel to cut down on potential embarrassment.

But there is still a strong contingent who say the love tunnel is temporarily shut down to all traffic during that time of the month.

It's no secret that women tend to get real randy in the days before, during and after their cycle, and biology backs that up. Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, author of the book, What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex, tells readers that if they feel comfortable with it, by all means let Aunt Flo join in on the fun. If you aren't completely convinced, Dr. Hutcherson explains the benefits of freakin' while you're leakin', which may include easing of cramps and migraines. In addition to breaking out the towel underneath your bum, she also suggests using a diaphragm or cervical cap to "decrease the amount of blood that escapes during sex."

Hutcherson says that some positions may be uncomfortable during that time of the month, and even oral sex is fair game. And, she says, some men actually like the taste of iron in the blood. (I've never heard this one. In fact, I've been told that men prefer that you give them a warning and give them the option of not heading down there.) Hutcherson warns that if your man takes the dive, he should not blow air into your vagina, because that air can actually travel through your lungs and affect your heart, causing an air embolism.

Never fear to my ladies who'd rather sit this one out until Flo has left the building. I'm not mad at you. Dr. Hutcherson says that even if you don't want to go all the way, getting close and cuddling during that time can release some healthy endorphins that will relieve pain. Everybody wins.

TALK BACK: Do you think that having sex while on your period is nasty?