No, You Can't Get My Phone Number

When a guy asks for your number, you're either happy or you feel incredibly awkward. If it's a guy you are really interested in getting to know, you might be eager to talk to him again.

But here is a word of caution: Once a guy has your number, you can't take it back--and you might want to.

Trust me, I know because stalkers/crazy people seem to like me.

But is there ever an easy way to convince a dude that you like him but not enough for him to get your digits? ("Can I have your number instead?") I honestly don't have the answer. I guess you could set up a voicemail number or get a second cellphone number just for the purpose of giving it to guys you're not so sure about. But then you also have to be sure you don't call the guy from your "real" number until you're ready for him to have it. And that can be tricky, to say the least.

I learned this lesson the hard way a while back. I met a guy who seemed cool--We'll call him Certifiable Loser (CL). CL is not the cutest guy around but he seemed nice, had a decent job, didn't seem crazy (at least not at first). So we exchanged numbers. Then came warning sign No. 1: He called and insisted on talking with me my entire drive home. I guess some women might see that as attentive and cute, but I'd just spent 20 minutes talking with him in person and I thought it was a bit over eager.

Still, I gave CL a couple more phone conversations before I decided I wasn't interested, and I slowly stopped returning his phone calls. (We never even went on a date.) Then I started getting calls from blocked numbers. At first the calls came during the day. Then they happened sometimes in the middle of the night. If I answered, the person wouldn't say anything--he'd just listen to me breathe.

Along the way, CL somehow found me on MySpace--back when people still actually used MySpace. And he started messaging me there. I ignored him.

Next, the blocked calls to my cellphone became more frequent. This went on for months, I tell you, MONTHS. Ugh.

And soon, the person started putting in "187" as the number to page me.

Yes, I said 187. Remember that? As in "187, with my gat in your mouth, fool"--the police code for murder. So now the dude was not only stalking me by phone, but he was threatening to kill me?! WTF.

I called my cellphone company. They said I had to go to the police in order to have them subpoena my phone records to hopefully figure out the source of the unblocked calls and 187 pages.

That's when I found out that whoever did this--and my money is on CL--was spoofing their number so that even when the police traced the blocked calls, it only traced back to a fake number that couldn't be further tracked. My only option to stop getting harassed was to change my number.

So I did just that and gave it to everyone except for CL.

And whaddoyaknow, the calls mysteriously stopped. CL had no choice except to leave me alone. He didn't know anything else about me except for my phone number and what I looked like. Problem solved. Thank goodness.

The female cop handling my case said I should never give my number to new dudes I meet. But even after this wacky experience with CL, I still give my number out occasionally, depending on (A) how long I've gotten to talk to the dude in person to assess his potential level of crazy/stalkerness, and (B) if I feel comfortable enough to give him the digits.

That said, it's not an exact science. Hell, I'm still dodging calls and texts from Blast From Past. (In fact, BFP just texted me to tell me he noticed I just became a fan of a company on Facebook and he has a meeting with that company next week...Me [thinking, as I delete him as a fb friend]: Um, dude, I've been ignoring you for days. Why are you fb stalking me?! SMH.) Sigh.

TALK BACK: Do you feel comfortable giving your phone number out to new guys you meet? Why or why not?

Weeding Out Potential Stalkers

Have you ever had a guy seem like he was cool at first--attentive, good job, nice home and car--and then you find out he's... well... a little crazy? That the attentiveness actually has turned into stalkerlike behavior?

I guess we all have our preferences. Some women (I suppose--because otherwise why would some men do this? Someone must like it) must prefer a guy who calls and texts them literally all day long (by this I mean hardly a 15-30 minute interval goes by without you hearing from him) because he wants to "stay in touch."

But me, you know, I have a job. One that requires that I concentrate. I do spend time during my workday catching up with family or friends, but I cannot spend all day talking, texting and instant messaging. I just can't. What I prefer is a guy who stays in touch by contacting me periodically--no set timeframes.

I don't want to feel like a guy is texting/calling/IMing solely because he's a control freak who wants to know my movements every step of the day. That's a little scary...and um, to me signals the potential for trouble down the line.

Enter Blast From Past (BFP), a guy who I went out with about five years ago; I think we went on two, maybe three, dates. Then--for a reason I no longer recall--I cut him off. We reconnected through Facebook recently, and I was reminded pretty quickly why I must've gotten rid of him in the first place.

I gave him my number. First Big Mistake. I called him that night, as I promised him online that I would. Mind you, I was under the weather, and soon after I left him a voicemail, I laid down to rest because I was feeling worse. Well, soon my phone starting going off. BFP called twice, left a voicemail and then texted me three times, all within the next hour or two.

The next morning, he texted me again--before I'd returned any of his previous messages.

I knew I had a problem...and I was already feeling smothered, and we hadn't even had a real conversation yet. So I was direct. I texted him to let him know that there is no need to blow my phone up if he's already left a message. When I get the message, I told him, I *will* maybe if I decide he's not a stalker get back to him.

He said okay, acted like he understood.

But soon I realized, as we talked on instant messager while at work one day, that he doesn't really get it. He IMs me ALL DAY LONG. And I mean all day. To the point where I no longer sign into IM, just so that I can be productive and dodge him. And guess what happened yesterday--the first day I didn't sign into IM? He started texting me on my cellphone. And I was busy...with work. Too busy to do the let's-talk-literally-all-day-long thing again. Nevermind that it's exhausting.

Four unanswered text messages, a phone call and a voicemail later (all received yesterday while I was at work and in the evening), I think maybe he got the point.

I think. Only time will tell because I'm never calling him again.

BFP also made no secret that he was keeping tabs on my Facebook page. When I joined a fan page for a local TV station, he texted just a few minutes later to say something about that particular station. When I posted a status update about wanting a cupcake, he messaged me about that, too. It was a little creepy. No worries, though, he's on "limited profile" now. So no more cyber stalking...at least not through Facebook.

I should've known this would only go downhill when BFP made a point of telling me he's "not crazy" during our first phone conversation after we reconnected--something he said totally unprompted. I think it's odd for someone to volunteer that they're not crazy. Did I say you were crazy? Clearly, almost certainly maybe he's been accused of being crazy or stalkerish in the past. And that's probably not far from the truth.

TALK BACK: Do you have a breaking point where a guy--who may think he's showing 'interest'--is actually scaring you because he seems like a potential stalker? What warning signs signal a potential stalker for you?