Wednesday, March 10, 2010

You, Girl, Are the Cure for Trifling

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Have the one or two weed heads, thugs (real or imagined), or aspiring music artists or producers--who managed to slip through the cracks during a bad breakup--told you, "If I had a woman like you, I'd stay focused"?


"I'd get a job and keep one."

"I'd stop selling and/or smoking weed."

"I'd stop running these streets."

"I'd move out my mama's house...and stay with you."

"I'd go to/finish school."

Admit it. You've heard this or some variation. Don't fake. Take a minute, go back, way back, and you know there is one of these guys in your past. It may have been the guy with the killer smile who "sells real estate" but can't seem to explain to you what an ARM is.

Tell the truth, the aspiring rapper who sold you your furniture had a great body, and since he broke you off with the discount (see FabFem 's blog post about perks for pretty girls) for that gorgeous mahogany chaise, you listened to the mix tape he also threw in for free (street value $5) and got drinks when he got off. Hell, you may have even kicked him out of your house around 3 a.m. this morning, so you could get some rest before you went to work this morning.

Go ahead and laugh, because you have either slept with or endured at least a movie or an IHOP breakfast sampler with this man.

We don't judge you.

But I can bet that every one of these guys will tell you, "I'm not perfect, but girl, If I had a woman like you, I'd straighten up."

So there it is, even after being raised by somebody, somewhere and walking this earth as a grown man making his own bad decisions, somehow YOU will be the catalyst that's going to get him on the straight and narrow.

Allow me to share with you one of the highest compliments I once received from this type of man: "Girl, you'd make a good stepmom to my kids."


After hearing that, I had to start making some promises of my own, like, never to drink again, never to give out my number at gas stations or Chinese buffets, or fast food restaurants, no matter how bad the breakup or how low my self esteem at the time.

Believe it or not, young men aren't even the biggest offenders. Some of these men may be well into their 30s, still talking such foolishness. Some may even be fathers themselves and are STILL talking this foolishness.

Case in point:

A young man I met a long time ago told me that given the opportunity, he could see himself putting an end to his thuggish ways (which included still having one foot in the drug-selling community). He'd leave the game and live a good, clean life with me by his side.

I had to laugh and shake my head because this guy had a small child. Wise beyond my years, I gave a response that I'm proud of to this day: "If you have a child, and you love this child, it shouldn 't take me, someone you barely know, to motivate you to do better. Your child--that came from you--should be motivation enough."

Apparently he liked it, too, because after thanking me for keeping it real, he declared my brutal honesty was further proof that I was the kind of woman he needed after all.

At that moment, I grabbed my purse, and I told him I wished him luck on his road to redemption, but that I couldn't join him. I gathered my safety buddy/wingwoman (who was entertaining his friend) and we left.

TALK BACK: Has a bad boy ever said that you are what he needs to change his ways? Did you try? 


  1. It's not just men, women can be the same.

    I dated a woman that was 28, no children, worked for the state and had her masters.

    She had a job in her field of being a counselor and was good at it.

    Her personal life was completely different. She had what I like to call a "weed head" mentality.

    She couldn't remember anything, kept a really junky car, had her own place but never liked staying there (always stayed at friends houses or mothers place), couldn't organize the simplest things/events, and even though she lived in the area her whole life, would always get lost, and finally had no sense of time.

    When she met me she told me that I was the type of man she needed to get on track to being "an adult". After three months her friends complained that I was changing her too much (which was almost no change at all) and that they liked the "old" version of her better.

    She ended up breaking things off because even though she wanted to grow up, she still wanted to be free and that I was clipping her wings.

  2. That is really sad, Shawn...she definitely sounds trifling! But I'd say she sounds like more of a space cadet than anything. At least she had a place to live and a career. These guys usually don't have a place to lay their heads at night or a job. They're usually bunking on somebody's couch (their mama's, their grandmom's, their auntie's...) and *might* work an odd job here and there. They tend to be super impressed that a woman has her own place to live and are quick to try to move in!