Not Every Sideline Chick Can Be Alicia Keys

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

The chance that a sidepiece will actually get the guy to leave his wife/girlfriend to marry her and live happily ever after is kind of like going to a Louis Vuitton store every single day believing that one of these days, there's going to be a sale.

It just ain't gonna happen.

Sure, women can buy a used Louis for a substantially discounted rate on Ebay or at a consignment store (if you are lucky), but even then, the bag is used, and its authenticity is questioned. It may actually be a real Louis, but you've robbed yourself of the joy of walking into the store and them wrapping it up ever so nicely and placing it in that box and walking out of the store with your prize nestled in that shopping bag. It's yours. It's new. It's real. It's got a guarantee. Plain and simple. That back room bargain always seems to taint the exclusivity of having such a luxury item in the first place.

It's the same idea if you're actively and knowingly pursuing a man who isn't your own.

But recently, international superstar Alicia Keys has done the almost impossible. She's made it snow in the desert. She's just sold water to a well. She's done what countless sidepieces over the ages have tried to accomplish but have often failed at.

She managed to get music producer Swizz Beatz to finally divorce his wife, and she's having his baby. It's been reported that they plan to tie the knot in the fall. (The jury is still out, in my opinion, until then. For a man to leave one marriage and jump into another... I don't know, girl, good luck.) But despite being called a homewrecker and having some serious Twitter beef with Swizz Beatz's ex wife, Alicia stuck it out and got the guy.

However, I want to send a message to all the sidepieces who now consider Alicia to be their patron saint and believe that her current good fortune is a sign of things to come in their own situations: Y'all are sadly mistaken and delusional.

I'm not passing judgment on her because I love A. Keys, too. She's an awesome musician and performer, and her humanitarian efforts really set her apart from a lot of other artists. She's beautiful, humble and has talent coming out of every pore. She's a hardworking woman, who like all of us hardworking women, deserves a real shot at love and happiness. She's certainly got that love glow going on these days.

But if you are out there creeping with someone else's man and you aren't Alicia Keys, chances are HE AIN'T LEAVING and when he does commit to someone, it probably won't be you.

I've seen this thing play out a million times. Monica has a great song from one of her older albums called Sideline Ho. She ticks off a list of things that if your "man" isn't doing with or for you, you are indeed the side chick, and he's not going to leave his main chick/wifey.

So sideline chicks, sidepieces, jumpoffs, breezies, shorties, or whatever you are, hold off on the tickertape parade for Alicia, and don't start up your own wedding registries just yet.

I will give Swizz Beatz credit for going ahead and divorcing his ex and giving Alicia that show of faith, but it's always a worrisome thought wondering once you get that man, if he'll do the same thing to you.

That's the other thing about a used bag. There is usually no return policy where you can at least get a store credit to start all over again.

TALK BACK: Have you ever knowingly gone after a man who was unavailable, hoping he would choose you?

Watch Out for the Multi-State Man

Men who have women in multiple states seem to like me. It's the reason why I can so easily rattle off a list of signs to look for in men who are cheating on their girlfriends or wives.

Last night, I went to dinner with Fighter Pilot, a guy who I dated for about four or five months last year until he moved to Texas. I knew the move was coming. He was getting out of the military and planned to take a job in Texas. Meanwhile, he started a grad school program that September that took him to Texas about twice a month. That's when things got a little murky.

You see, when Fighter Pilot was in Texas, his phone calls became sporadic, and he was hard to reach. My blunt questions about whether he had a woman in Texas were met with a resounding, "No," numerous times.

But my gut told me he did have a woman in Texas, so by the time he moved, I'd largely distanced myself from him. He called occasionally after he moved and would text to check up on me, too. Then, yesterday, when Fighter Pilot was back in my town for business, he asked me to dinner. I agreed to go.

And all seemed fine. That is, until Fighter Pilot moved over to my booth, put his arm around me, attempted to cozy up to me and tried to kiss me (I wouldn't let him). Somehow, he admitted while sitting next to me that he has a girlfriend in Texas who he met before he moved there (meaning he met her while he was still dating me).

My response? "How would your girlfriend feel about you trying to kiss me?"
Him: "That doesn't matter. You look really good. I missed you." Blah, blah, blah.

I grabbed my jacket and told him I was leaving before the check even arrived. "Thanks for dinner, take care and I wish you well," I said as I walked out without looking back. (But no worries, I did finish my steak dinner and had a couple of drinks before I left.)

Unfortunately, this isn't my first experience with a guy who was dating me in one state and someone else in another. A guy who I dated for four years--we'll call him Biggest Dog Ever (BDE for short)--was dating me here and also had a fiancee--yes I said, fiancee--in Richmond, Va. His fiancee was his high school sweetheart. She had some inkling that I existed and I had the same inkling about her, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in Richmond one day and went to visit her. I told him I was going to see her beforehand, and he said he didn't care.

"Let the chips fall where they may," he said.

And fall they did. BDE's fiancee--who is now his wife--and I had a cordial conversation that confirmed he'd been playing us both. I cut him off afterwards; she didn't. They now have two kids, and they got married when she was pregnant with their second child. It would probably make her sick to know that BDE still contacts me every year on my birthday and usually on Christmas and/or Thanksgiving, too.

BDE also admits to stalking my Facebook and MySpace pages, even though he's not my friend on either site and can only see the main picture. That doesn't matter, he says, because he just wants to see how I look these days and know that I am OK. He claims he's in love with two women. Whatever, dude.

As far as I'm concerned, both BDE and Fighter Pilot can take a hike. I'm so tired of these sorry dudes, who reappear when they feel like it and are never totally honest about anything.

TALK BACK: What is the worst experience you've ever had with a cheater?