Fabulous Femininity

Know the Signs of Abusive Relationships

2011-12-19T12:10:00.001-05:00

Twice in recent years, women close to people I know have been killed by their estranged husbands.

I did not know either woman, so I cannot know what precipitated such violence. I cannot know whether there were warning signs that either these women or their friends or family could have heeded.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user @Mike Knapek

What I do know is that this is a frightening issue. These were not just boyfriends. These were husbands who the women clearly loved and trusted enough at one point in their lives to marry. So at what point did that "love" turn to "if I can't have you, no one can"?

As a single woman, it's a question I ponder from time to time. If you've followed my blog, you know I try to steer clear of crazy/deranged suitors.

But do I really know what to look out for? I decided to do some research. Here are warning signs of domestic violence in your relationship, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Does the person you're dating...

* Put you down or embarrass you?

* Make all decisions in your relationship?

* Try to scare you?

* Attempt to control you?

* Keep you from seeing friends, family, or other loved ones?

* Take your money, or make you ask him for money and then refuse to give it to you?

* Say he's going to take away or hurt your children?

* Keep you from going to work or school?
* Blame the abuse on you?

* Destroy your property?
* Threaten to harm or kill your pets?

* Use weapons to intimindate or threaten you?

* Hit, slap, choke or shove you?

* Make you drop criminal charges against him?

* Threaten suicide or threaten to kill you?

Also, the American Psychiatric Association lists these less obvious warning signs:

* Fast, whirlwind romance.
* Insists on being with you all of the time. Tracks what you're doing and who you are with.
* Jealousy.

* Trying to isolate you, using "loving" language. ("You don’t need to work or go to school; we only need each other.")
* Hypersensitivity when he feels he has been slighted.
* Blames others for abuse.
* Insists you do things you are not comfortable with.

Resources for those in abusive relationships:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Hotline
American Psychiatric Association: Domestic Violence

Finessing an Awkward Situation

2011-11-15T20:22:00.001-05:00

FabFem has a knack for getting herself into uncomfortable/random/weird positions, usually not on purpose.

Fortunately, I recover quickly, or at least I try to.

Courtesy of Dennis Mojado/Creative Commons

Take a recent party I went to. I was meeting someone there, so I arrived alone. I immediately ran into a guy I once went out on a date with and long swooned over (he is fi-iinnn-eee). We ended up on the elevator together, and Fine Guy loudly flirts and makes a comment about my derriere on an elevator full of guys who were strangers...or so I thought.

Until I looked to my left. That's when I saw New Guy. I'd met him about a month ago and was kinda feeling him. I didn't know he'd be at this party.

But did he really just hear Fine Guy talking about my bootie?

The weird smirk on his face told me he did.

Awkward. Sigh. Only me.

But New Guy took it well. He said he basically shrugged it off as a, "Damn, she got it like that?" kind of deal.

I'm glad he has a sense of humor. In fact, he even seems a little more interested. *Shrug*

The threat of competition perhaps?

Talk back: Tell us about an awkward situation you encountered--and how you handled it.

The Ultimate Dealbreaker

2011-11-09T12:19:00.000-05:00

I've been accused of having a 'bleeding heart.' I am forgiving--almost too forgiving at times.

But there is one guy--we'll call him Mr. Dick Wackington, Esquire (name coined by guest blogger Nina Lovehall, who can't stand his @ss)--who keeps trying. But he will never ever, and I mean ever, get back into my good graces.

Why, you may ask? Let me explain.

Last year, I had surgery. It was fairly serious and definitely a huge disruption to my life and my freedom. It meant I couldn't drive for 2 months, and I spent some of that time on crutches.

I had been seeing Mr. Wackington for a few months at the time. He promised to check in on me frequently to make sure I was OK. I figured with his help, and with that of some great friends, neighbors, cousins and my dad and brothers, I'd be just fine.

I was almost right.

My family, neighbors and friends were indeed fantastic. I didn't want or need for anything because they took good care of me.

But Mr. Wackington? He didn't show up for four days after I had surgery. My dad, less than thrilled to see him at that point, still believed him when Mr. Wackington told my dad he'd come back to check on his baby girl when my dad returned home (two hours away) a week later.

But he didn't keep his promise. Instead, Mr. Wackington told me he didn't have time to come check on me. He was going to happy hour instead. And even as I hobbled around on crutches, I told him not to bother coming by on any day if happy hour was more important than making sure I was OK.

And so, Mr. Wackington disappeared for a few months, just long enough for me to recover and get back on my feet. I run into him out and about every couple of months, and every time I see him (and I do mean every, single, flippin' time), he tells me how "beautiful" he thinks I look, how he messed up, and how I should just let him make it up to me. One time, he told me I should let him buy me a drink as part of his "penitence" for what he did. Seriously?

I've responded on more than one occasion that Mr. Wackington can kiss my @ss. Yes, I actually said that, and I've actually said worse, depending on how hard he presses me. Like, he really gets all up in my personal space and has a difficult time taking "no" for an answer.

But it's simple--If he didn't want to be around when I was at my worst, he definitely doesn't deserve me at my best. Most recently, he had a friend lobbying me on his behalf, telling me how very sorry Mr. Wackington is for treating me the way he did, how I could've been The One, etc.

Sigh. Gimme a break.

My dad says that men make mistakes, and I get that. But I can't be with someone who I can't trust to have my back when I need it most. That time period was one of the few times in my life where I felt almost totally dependent on other people. And Mr. Wackington gave me his @ss to kiss, and he was downright mean and nasty about it. Not cool.

So it doesn't matter how many times he apologizes or how "beautiful" he thinks I look now that I've recovered from the surgery and lost a few pounds, to boot. It's a wrap.

*Sings* -- He must not know 'bout me...To the left, to the left.

Talk back: What is your ultimate dealbreaker?

Related: Cleaning House: Cutting Stragglers Off & Starting Anew

Why I'll Start Listening to My Gut

2011-11-08T23:13:00.001-05:00

There was something about him that I knew just wasn't right.

Yet I still didn't listen to my gut, which said, don't walk, but RUN away.

Maybe it was the fact that his very first question was, "Is that your real hair?"

Or, maybe it was that his second question was, "When are you cooking dinner for me?" To which I responded that he shouldn't expect a woman to cook for him when he first meets her, and if he wanted to get to know me, he'd have to take me out instead. Then, I walked away.

(Photo credit: Flickr user @Sarah_Ackerman)

He grabbed my hand and pulled me back. Against my better judgment, I stayed and talked a while longer. We exchanged numbers, and I'd come to regret that decision at 9 a.m. the next morning--a Sunday, when he sent me the first of four texts and phone calls I'd receive before noon that day.

Among his texts: "So why did you give me your number?"

Me: "Because you asked for it." [Hey, if you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer.]

Him: "So you give your number to every guy who asks for it?"

Me: *blank stare* at my phone, deciding not to validate such foolishness with an answer.

The funny thing is he was a cutie. So, why was he so pressed?

Probably because he's an absolute jerk.

I managed not to talk to him for another day or so. Then we finally had a phone conversation. He told me he couldn't tell me his profession because it was "very important" but assured me he had a "great job." He told me--for the second time (the first being when he bragged when we met)--about the several overseas trips he has planned to various countries next year. I, probably poorly so, feigned interest, while making a mental note that he hadn't bothered to ask me a single thing about myself, but...

...then came the killer question: "So, why are you single?"

Mind you, this was after I very briefly explained that I hadn't traveled much for pleasure recently because of family obligations following the death of my mother. Why on earth would you then ask me why I'm single? Is it not clear I've been a little busy...and um, traumatized? Plus, I told him that generally, women don't like to be asked why they're single. "Well, it's never been a problem for me," he informed me. (Me: thinking to myself--probably because they just never called you again. Sigh.)

The conversation continued to go downhill from there. He asked me my sign. "Libra," I told him. He then told me that he's a Libra, too, and that Libras don't get along. And, by the way, he added, if I want to see him, I should let him know, but otherwise, it was no sweat off of his back.

Really? Seriously?

Yes, he really said that.

I took a deep breath and told him to have a good evening. He hasn't called since. Thank God.

And next time, I'll listen to my gut.

Talk back: Have you ever ignored a gut feeling and found yourself regretting it later? Tell us about it.

Where should you go to meet men?

2011-01-30T07:30:00.001-05:00

I've been having the same conversation, it seems, over and over with my friends.

Where should women go to find nice, attractive, gainfully employed, available men?

At age 30ish, most of us are over the club scene. I love a nice lounge, but a super crowded, huge club? Not unless I have a really special reason to be in there. And I've met men out at lounges. So have my friends. Sometimes it turns into a relationship that lasts a while, and sometimes it doesn't.

But I also have a habit of meeting men in odd places. Like the guy who last week appeared, seemingly out of thin air, as I was just about to pump gas, to offer to pump it for me, and of course to ask for my phone number.

Lately, I wonder if maybe you should keep an eye out in the most unlikely of places--like while you're out to eat after a night on the town with your friends. After all, good men need to eat, too. So next time you take that late night trip to Waffle House, Denny's or IHOP with your girls, don't be afraid to say hi to the cutie grabbing a bite to eat on his way home. I know of two situations where such meetings worked out well--one resulted in a marriage.

And then there are the usual suspects: the grocery store, church, the gym, the local Lowe's or Home Depot. I have a good friend who met her husband while she was working at a bookstore--one of the options suggested by this article, which also recommends children's sporting events if you have kids, and of course, the Internet (although I have to say, I've given up on online dating).

But is there any surefire option...if your name isn't Chilli and you can't get a reality show to do the job for you?

TALK BACK: Where have you had luck meeting good, available men? Single ladies everywhere want to know.

I'm Back

2010-12-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry for leaving you all.

But it wasn't personal, I promise.

The last few months have been crazy. First, my mom died in August, then it was time to get my baby brother off to college to start his freshman year, and meanwhile, I got the sprained ankle from hell. Eventually, I found out that I needed surgery to repair that ankle...and as a result, I ended up in a leg cast and have been unable to drive for two months.

But that ordeal is almost over and I'm ready to start blogging again, at least kinda regularly.

I've learned a lot in the past several months, and I am seeing a great guy who has helped make my recovery from surgery easier. I've also learned how wonderfully supportive my family, friends and coworkers are. I couldn't have gotten through the last few months without them. I am blessed, and I hope you all are doing well, too.

More later...as soon as I come up with some new material to blog about. Thanks for sticking with me during my time away. Happy 2011!

Rest In Peace, Mom. I Love You

2010-08-30T12:32:00.001-04:00

The biggest fan of this blog died nearly a month ago.

She was my mom.

She had promised to help me turn this blog into a book one day. She, more than anyone else—even me, believed it was good enough to be worthy of putting in print. She was my biggest fan, my biggest supporter, and I miss her more than words on a screen can possibly convey.

You see, it wasn’t just the fact that the blog was mine that made my mom love it. My mom liked that my friends and I took our various dating adventures and turned them into blog posts. But don’t get me wrong, my mom was anxious to marry me off to some nice man. During her last visit to see me in June, she approached a guy’s table while we were out for a drink because I said he was cute. She asked his friend if the cute guy was “taken.” He wasn’t. We went on a few dates after that, all because of my mom.

I treasure that memory…and everything else my mom taught me. She was my best friend, the person who I’d talk to every day even if I hadn’t talked to anyone else. I was her baby girl—the middle child in the midst of an older sister and two younger brothers—yet she spoiled me until the day she died. I learned the day she died that it’s true when they say that no one loves you quite the way your mom does. But that’s okay because I will carry the love we shared with me for the rest of my life.

I have always had this thing where I tell my parents, my grandmom, and my brothers I love them before we hang up the phone, and they always say it back. For some reason, that’s been really comforting because I know my mom knows how much I love her. I don’t doubt that she still knows it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, Thanks, Mom. I won’t get to call to thank you for giving me life on my birthday anymore, so I say it here for you to read from Heaven. I love you, I miss you, and I’ll see you again one day.

Reality TV Show to Find a Man? Um, Not For Me

2010-07-27T19:23:00.001-04:00

Would you ever go on a reality TV show to find a mate?

Omarosa did it.

Bret Michaels did it.

Flavor Flav did it.

Ray J did it.

Hell, even Chilli from TLC did it.

So, if offered the opportunity, would you give it a shot?

Recently, a good friend suggested that I need my own reality dating show. The 'What FabFem Needs Because She Won't Put Up With BS' show.

I don't think I need to go that far. Sure, I've had my fair share of dating mishaps, but I'm still plugging along, although I've given up online dating since being confronted by the creepy eHarmony match at a lounge in DC.

And even my recent experiences haven't soured me completely. There was the cutie who took me on one nice date and then canceled on me at the last minute three times in the following week--and then wondered why I lost interest.

And there was the guy who damn near chased me down at a lounge to get my number--and then he asked me to say my number *out loud* instead of entering it directly into his cellphone. Why, you may ask? I suspected he was taken. So I said, "That's suspicious. Only men who are married, engaged or have girlfriends won't let you put your number in their phone." His response? "I'm not engaged and I don't have a girlfriend." Me: "You're married?!" -- as I walked away. He yelled after me, "Does that mean I should erase your number?" Me: "YES!" *shakes head ferociously*

There is also the guy I met at the gym who doesn't seem quite sure what he does for a living. He told me he does "paperwork" and then, when pressed for more info, came up with a more professional sounding title. Problem is, I think he made it up. Sigh.

But I digress. They can't all be bad, I figure. And I don't believe I have to go on TV to find a man. There are a couple of promising guys in the mix, but it's too early to tell how they'll pan out.

Meanwhile, I have no plans to make a reality TV debut.

TALK BACK: What about you? Would you consider going on a reality TV show to find a mate?

Clothing "Diet"? I Probably Won't Try It

2010-07-23T12:26:00.001-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

The New York Times has a fascinating article about a movement called "Six Items or Less," where folks stick to just six items of clothing for one month.

As someone who loves clothes, loves online shopping, in-store shopping, and window shopping, , it's a tough concept for me to fathom. Nonetheless, I'm very intrigued.

But as I think about it, it would be an awesome challenge. I'd like to think that I'm pretty creative working with the clothes I already have and making them feel new and fresh as I mix and match on lazy weekends or laundry days. On a quarterly basis, I go through my closet, trying on things (to see if they still fit or need to go to Goodwill) and brainstorm ways to breathe new life into my old duds (creative layering, accessories, etc). It's a lot of fun and I often surprise myself. Sometimes I manage to fall in love all over again and old (sometimes forgotten) favorites return to the rotation with a twist. The more I think about it, I may have to rethink this blog's headline. I'd probably do better sticking to the "Six Items or Less" challenge than I would avoiding McDonald's fries or sticking to a concrete, everyday workout plan for an entire month. That's sad, and that's a whole other blog. I digress.

But as we go through these difficult financial times, doing the wardrobe purge may not a bad idea in terms of creatively saving some money. Honestly, it's a pretty cool experiment for those brave enough to participate. In fact, folks that were interviewed in the Times piece learned that in most cases, they didn't need all of the clothes they did have, and the people around them didn't even notice they were interchanging the same six items for that entire month.

TALK BACK: So, fabulous ones, could you work the hell out of the same six items for an entire month? Or is that just fashion blasphemy? I have to admit it's an awesome challenge for the savviest of fashionistas.

Not Every Sideline Chick Can Be Alicia Keys

2010-06-30T19:09:00.001-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

The chance that a sidepiece will actually get the guy to leave his wife/girlfriend to marry her and live happily ever after is kind of like going to a Louis Vuitton store every single day believing that one of these days, there's going to be a sale.

It just ain't gonna happen.

Sure, women can buy a used Louis for a substantially discounted rate on Ebay or at a consignment store (if you are lucky), but even then, the bag is used, and its authenticity is questioned. It may actually be a real Louis, but you've robbed yourself of the joy of walking into the store and them wrapping it up ever so nicely and placing it in that box and walking out of the store with your prize nestled in that shopping bag. It's yours. It's new. It's real. It's got a guarantee. Plain and simple. That back room bargain always seems to taint the exclusivity of having such a luxury item in the first place.

It's the same idea if you're actively and knowingly pursuing a man who isn't your own.

But recently, international superstar Alicia Keys has done the almost impossible. She's made it snow in the desert. She's just sold water to a well. She's done what countless sidepieces over the ages have tried to accomplish but have often failed at.

She managed to get music producer Swizz Beatz to finally divorce his wife, and she's having his baby. It's been reported that they plan to tie the knot in the fall. (The jury is still out, in my opinion, until then. For a man to leave one marriage and jump into another... I don't know, girl, good luck.) But despite being called a homewrecker and having some serious Twitter beef with Swizz Beatz's ex wife, Alicia stuck it out and got the guy.

However, I want to send a message to all the sidepieces who now consider Alicia to be their patron saint and believe that her current good fortune is a sign of things to come in their own situations: Y'all are sadly mistaken and delusional.

I'm not passing judgment on her because I love A. Keys, too. She's an awesome musician and performer, and her humanitarian efforts really set her apart from a lot of other artists. She's beautiful, humble and has talent coming out of every pore. She's a hardworking woman, who like all of us hardworking women, deserves a real shot at love and happiness. She's certainly got that love glow going on these days.

But if you are out there creeping with someone else's man and you aren't Alicia Keys, chances are HE AIN'T LEAVING and when he does commit to someone, it probably won't be you.

I've seen this thing play out a million times. Monica has a great song from one of her older albums called Sideline Ho. She ticks off a list of things that if your "man" isn't doing with or for you, you are indeed the side chick, and he's not going to leave his main chick/wifey.

So sideline chicks, sidepieces, jumpoffs, breezies, shorties, or whatever you are, hold off on the tickertape parade for Alicia, and don't start up your own wedding registries just yet.

I will give Swizz Beatz credit for going ahead and divorcing his ex and giving Alicia that show of faith, but it's always a worrisome thought wondering once you get that man, if he'll do the same thing to you.

That's the other thing about a used bag. There is usually no return policy where you can at least get a store credit to start all over again.

TALK BACK: Have you ever knowingly gone after a man who was unavailable, hoping he would choose you?

Nina's Prediction: Extreme Change May Lead to Love

2010-06-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

A dear, dear friend of mine is taking a job overseas.

I'm thrilled for her, a little nervous about her safety or how how she will handle really bad bouts of homesickness, but still I look at this new adventure for her with great optimism and pride.

Not only is she going to embark on something that will help her professionally, but I do believe after having a lull in the love department, that area may pick up as well.

It's actually a secret thought that I've had since she announced her pending move.

Let's face it. My friend is an unapologetic, outspoken, out-of-the-box kind of thinker. She'll quit a job she hates with the quickness, she'll travel when the need suits her, she'll go back to school for another degree, she'll jump out of planes for fun or she'll learn mixed martial arts.

A conventional man can't handle her. She doesn't want a conventional man. And she's not going to meet her non-conventional man in a conventional way.

Why do I think will she meet an awesome guy where she's going? Because that guy is probably just like her. What makes this fantasy union in my head more fabulous (aside from the fact it's international and that's always sexy) is the fact that they won't even be looking for each other when they do meet. They'll both just be looking for adventure and will stumble upon each other in the process, in probably a really competitive manner-- which both of them will find hot and irresistible. That's how I imagine it. She will be more vulnerable than usual in this strange land and can let go to this kindred adventurous spirit more so than while being here in the states, and from there, I think love may blossom faster than you can fill a 3-ounce bottle with your favorite hair product.

The fantastic, and yet equally frustrating thing about my bud, is her ability not to settle. That's in both her personal life and professional life.

It seemed that everything was stacked against her in terms of her dreams and trying to find her way. Keep in mind the dream job she finally snagged took around five years of dead ends and disappointments to finally achieve.

She had to face her parents bringing home job applications and watching her friends and even her younger sibling make great strides in their professional lives. I'd cringe for her when people would (sometimes harshly) ask what she's doing with her life. Even I wanted her to take a more safe route. Sometimes I thought she was being stubborn and unrealistic. I told her, "You've got to do something even if you don't like it, boo. That's life, that's being an adult. I hate seeing you in this situation." She'd take a deep breath. She'd tell me that something is bound to happen and kept relentlessly courting the companies she wanted to work with overseas and staying up till the wee hours of the morning watching television shows from that country of her desire and learning the language until something came through. Finally it did. And I couldn't be happier for her.

That kind of faith, that kind of tenacity-- despite what even your closest family and friends say-- makes me quite sure that once her professional endeavors start clicking for her, love won't be too far behind. And when it comes, it's going to be just as exhilirating as her getting that offer letter and that plane taking off.

TALK BACK: Do you think settling in life and settling in love go hand in hand?

Beware of the Stalker Neighbor

2010-06-17T15:06:00.004-04:00

I've said a time or two before that I attract crazies.

Today just solidified that I do it without even trying.

I walked out to my car at about 8 a.m. to head to work. I noticed a folded up piece of paper on my windshield when I got in the car. So I reached to grab it. There I found a typewritten note that said the following (punctuation and capitalization copied exactly from the note):

"Dear FabFem,
I have been attracted to you from the first moment I saw you. I was walking to the grocery store on a Saturday morning to get milk.
My first chance meeting with you was the snow storm. I was helping people get out of their parking spaces...and then comes this Angel of BEAUTY!!!
I did my deed, and then I gathered my courage to ask you for your phone number...and you said you had a boyfriend? I don't know if that was a nice way of letting me down or if you were involved with another man.? But if things have changed or if I can be a friend?...I was hoping you could call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX or XXX-XXX-XXXX. I would like to take you out to eat and we could get to know each other better!
I'm a little shy and clumsy when I try to talk to a Beautiful woman such as yourself for the first time.Which you probably noticed. That's why I decided to write what I feel!
Stalker Neighbor [Real name omitted]
stalkerneighbor@neighbor.net"

The note struck me as a cross between sweet... and creepy. First of all, he approached me during the snowstorm? ... You mean the one in February? And four months later, you're still watching me and typed up a note to put on my car? Hmmm. Then I thought about if I remembered who this guy was. Turns out I do. I remember thinking he seemed creepy in person, so I told him I had a boyfriend (my usual line when I ~~want a guy to go away~~ am not interested). Little did I know, he didn't forget that conversation, even if I had.

Walking into work today, I decided to google his phone number. After all, he'd given me his cellphone and home phone numbers AND his e-mail address. A little googling got me his full name and address. Soon, I used that info to see if he had a criminal record, something a female cop once told me to do if I ever thought a guy pursuing me was weird, just to see what I'm dealing with.

Oh boy. I didn't expect what came next. Sometimes, information is power, and other times, it can scare the hell out of you. Turns out Stalker Neighbor has been charged in the past few years with stalking, assault, false imprisonment, disorderly conduct, trespassing, possession of a deadly weapon, and a peace/restraining order had been issued against him a couple years back.

Whoa. Mind you, he lives like a block from me, and I think I can be pretty sure he's been watching me. Sigh.

I phoned Prince Charming, who when he isn't saving the day for me, is a police officer by profession. He wanted to go knock on dude's door.

But I couldn't let him do that. That could turn out really, really badly.

Instead, I okayed PC calling him. PC told SN over the phone that he was my boyfriend and that while I appreciated the flattery, I wasn't interested. He said SN took it well, said he understood and respected that.

Let's hope so. Meanwhile, I think I'll go buy some pepper spray.

TALK BACK: Have you ever had an overly aggressive neighbor who wanted to date you? How did you handle it?

6 Signs the Guy You're Dating May Be Crazy Or Abusive

2010-06-03T12:28:00.003-04:00

I've tried to work on my patience over the years.

You know, not be so quick to cut guys off over small things.

I try to see the good in people but also not ignore the bad. Unfortunately, I think I failed miserably when it came to Mr. Courtship.

Mr. Courtship said all the right things... at first. He took me out, we had great conversation, and he showed an interest in the people and things that matter to me most. And, perhaps the best part of all... He cooks. Very well.

But after a few weeks, I started to have some concerns about Mr. C. I realized that he was impatient, almost unreasonably so, at times. Not with me. But just over small things that it seemed unreasonable to get upset about.

And soon, his impatience did turn to me. Like one early morning when I didn't answer his phone call because I was in the shower. I called him back after I'd gotten dressed when I was in the car, on my way whereever I was headed that day. Sounds reasonable, right? Not to Mr. C. This fool actually suggested that I should get in the habit of putting my cellphone on the toilet basin so that I can hear it--and answer it--even when I am in the shower. I searched for a hint he was joking. Couldn't find one. So I moved on, with that tucked into my mind as a RED FLAG that I should keep an eye on.

Not long after that, I decided to cut Mr. C off, not just because of that incident, but because I caught him in a major lie and decided it was time for him to go. Unfortunately, I think he realized his time had come -- so he refused to answer the phone. I finally sent him a text message asking him not to contact me anymore. Then, four days passed -- mind you, we had talked daily since we met until then -- with no word from him, so I thought he was abiding by my wishes.

But on the fourth day, he called me around 5:30 p.m. I didn't answer. He then called three more times up until 7:30 p.m., when he left me the following message:

"Yo, you're gonna answer your God%amn phone. I'm going to f$%k you up. You better answer your phone. Why can't I get in contact with you at 7:31? Yeah, alright. You gonna get your @ss whooped."

Yes, I'm serious. He really did leave me that message for no reason other than I hadn't answered my cellphone for two (TWO?!) hours after not hearing from him for four days. And this time, I was sure there was no hint in his voice that he was joking. He'd never laid a hand on me and I never thought I had a reason to fear him...before that message.

I left him a voicemail the next day advising him that if he ever threatened me again, I would call the police and that I meant it when I told him several days prior that I was done talking to him. We spoke once over the phone after that--because I believe that when it comes to crazy people, it's good to know ~~they're not coming to kill you~~ where their heads are--and he told me he was over it and wouldn't bother me again. Let's hope he means that.

Meanwhile, I learned some valuable lessons from my experience with Mr. C (and let's call him Mr. Crazy from now on). Here are 6 signs the dude you're dating may be crazy or potentially abusive:

1. He complains constantly and/or always points out something he thinks you do wrong.
2. He always thinks you're wrong, even about stuff you know you're educated about.
3. He cuts you off mid-sentence and hangs up on you... say, once every week or two.
4. He gets an attitude when you don't answer your phone, even for reasonable time periods.
5. He complains when you go out with friends, even occasionally.
6. He gets mad if you speak to a friend or associate of his--and I do mean just "hello"--when he isn't present.

TALK BACK: Did I miss any signs a guy may be crazy or potentially abusive? Let me know by commenting!

WTF of the Day: Man Shoots Woman for Not Giving Out Her Phone Number

2010-05-03T15:25:00.003-04:00

I have a standard line when a man approaches me and I'm not interested: "I have a boyfriend."

Sure, it's not always 100 percent effective. I've heard -- "What's your man got to do with me?" -- more times than I can count. (Thanks, Postive K, for planting this ~~lame~~ line in fellas' heads.)

But never... never ... never have I had a man *pull a gun* (!) on me for saying I'm not interested, like what happened to this college student, home from school visiting her family in Washington, D.C. She says a guy asked for her phone number as she left a party this past weekend. She said no. He threatened to shoot her if she didn't give up her digits. When she still refused to do so, he did just that. He shot her in the leg.

Really?

Seriously?!

Who does that?!

WTF!

It got me to thinking. What is the best approach for rejecting a guy so that he doesn't, you know, shoot you?

I say I have a boyfriend because I figure it's a gentler way to deal with the male ego. It's my way of saying, 'See, I'm not rejecting you outright. But I'm already taken.' They don't know it's not true, so they go away. Problem solved.

I once gave my number to a guy out of sympathy--because I thought he seemed nice (at FIRST), although I knew I'd never date him. I ultimately regretted it because I realized he was a little crazy in our first phone call. Then I started ignoring his calls. That's when he started stalking me on MySpace (back before Facebook took over) and by phone, putting in '187' (think: Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre') as the number to page me. I ultimately had to file a police report and change my number.

Because of that one horrible experience, I stick with my fictitious boyfriend lie to avoid stalkers. I've thought about giving out a fake number or using a service such as the Rejection Hotline (never heard of it? call 202-452-7468 for a good laugh), but that's a no-go, since most guys call you on the spot before you even have a chance to walk away. So far, I guess I'm doing a good job. No guns or knives have ever been pulled on me. Sigh.

TALK BACK: How do you tell a guy 'no' when he asks for your number and you're not interested? Does it scare you to hear the story of a young woman being shot for refusing to give out her number?

Is Courtship Dead?

2010-04-22T15:48:00.006-04:00

Courting, according to Webster's Dictionary, means "to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from" and "to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage."

It seems simple, right? A guy who is serious about dating you will court you--in effect, he's showing he's serious about you by taking you on dates *outside of the house,* to public places, as you get to know one another.

As Steve Harvey once said on Oprah in an interview about his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, a "man with a plan" wants to court you. He knows from early on--maybe even your first meeting or phone conversation--what his intentions are for you. If he sees the possibility of getting serious with you, he courts you. Plain and simple.

I will admit that I thought courtship was nearly dead. But I still held out a little, eensy, weensy, teeny bit of hope.

After guys trying to lay up in my house before we really know one another, feeling themselves up on dinner dates, and acting crazy and deranged, I almost thought I'd never meet a man who was (A) normal (no stalking or signs of craziness); (B) wasn't married/engaged/already taken; and (C) actually believed in courtship...especially not after the guy from a few weeks ago, who we'll call Cheapskie, who told me that going out for ice cream (yes, ice cream, people, ICE CREAM) was "a luxury" that he wasn't willing to spend money on me for and instead invited me to his home for ice cream from his freezer -- as a first date, mind you-- when I barely knew him. Um, how about NO!? I declined.

Still, while I hadn't given up on men completely, I generally do me--work hard at my 9-5 and play hard with my girlfriends after hours, whether it's dinner or drinks after work or a night out at a nice lounge. I figured one day, maybe just maybe, I'd meet someone who was more interested in getting to know me and courting me than in simply laying up in my home or his.

It was on one of these nights out with a girlfriend that I met Mr. Courtship. My friend and I noticed him when he came into the lounge--he's cute, tall and broad like a football player--but he didn't notice us at the time. Later, as my girlfriend chatted with a guy she'd just met, I walked around the lounge by myself, checking out the scenery. That's when Mr. C approached. We exchanged numbers.

That night, Mr. C called to make sure I got home safe, and the next day, he asked me out on a date. We ended up hanging out that night until 6 a.m. the next morning--dinner, drinks, a party, and then just sitting in the car talking until the sun came up. He talked about believing in courtship. I smiled.

Mr. C lives about three hours away, but every day since we met, we've talked on the phone a few times per day. The next weekend, he came back to visit me. He cooked (it was delicious!). I swooned. And he shows an interest in my life and the people and things I care most about.

Seems like that shouldn't be so hard to find in the dating world, don't you think? Um.... notsomuch. But I think maybe I've figured it out. Mr. C, at least from what I can tell so far, is ready to be settled and is not playing any games. If I'd met him five or 10 years ago, that might not have been the case, as he would've been in a different "season" of his life. And maybe that's been my problem overall: Meeting men when they're still in "player season" rather than "settle-down season."

For a while, I thought online dating--my site of choice was eHarmony--was the key to finding men who were serious about dating and over the games.

Unfortunately, I learned that online dating is also a good way to find socially inept weirdos...such as the guy (you know him as Weed Smoker) who approached me in 'real life' at a lounge--on the same night I met Mr. C--and told me he met me online and that we'd lost touch. Sigh.

When I quickly recalled who he was--and that ONE (and only one) phone convo we had in which I realized he was crazy, I pretended not to be the person he thought I was. I don't think he bought it. I quickly got away as he started discussing how much he liked my toes (double sigh) and then he followed me around for the rest of the night. #FAIL

TALK BACK: Do you think courtship is a lost art? Why or why not?

A Man You Probably Haven't Considered: The UPS Guy

2010-04-08T21:56:00.003-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

If you are looking for a solid man--one with a stable job, who isn't lazy, who has a sense of time and duty, keeps himself nice and neat, and knows how to deal with people, I say look no further than your UPS guy.

Yup, I said it. And for you professional women who might feel like this brown collar man may not bring home enough bacon for you, a recent article in the Wall Street Journal may make you think twice about shrugging him off when he compliments you while you sign for your package on that electronic clipboard thingy.

WSJ reports that the average driver can pull in $74K a year, and with baby boomers retiring, the company is currently seeking new blood to the tune of 20,000 new drivers to fill those positions. And according to this article, with the intense training, these folks earn their living.

I'm not going to front. I've seen some hot UPS guys in my day, and you can't get mad when you see one in the summer rocking those shorts with some strong calf muscles, jumping on and off that truck handling business.

While no one wants to seriously leave matchmaking up to the HR department of UPS, you can certainly let them do the screening process for you. I'm sure UPS does drug testing, and with it's grueling training sessions that include delivering packages under slippery conditions, and delivering five packages within a fake town in 19 minutes--it takes a person that has determination, who can think fast, and who won't get easily deterred from a goal, to even get the job.

Who doesn't want a man like that?

TALK BACK: Have you or would you consider dating a UPS guy?

Three Red Flags You're Dating a Crazy, Deranged MoFo

2010-04-07T12:47:00.005-04:00

Have you ever met a guy who was just a little too into you just a little too fast?

Like you just met him but he's trying to move in with you already?

Or he snaps at you for not returning his calls within an hour or two, yet you just met him last week?

Or he tells you that he could see himself marrying you, yet you've been dating just a few days?

Believe it or not, all of the above have happened to me or my friends. And all of these examples, in my eyes, are warning signs that the guy could be, as Martin said in You So Crazy, a "crazy, deranged motherf%&$er." Run, girl, run!

Case in point: My good friend, we'll call her Samantha, called me yesterday to update me on a guy--we'll call him Pressurizer--who she met last week when we were out for after-work drinks. She'd been talking to him on the phone daily for four days since they exchanged numbers. And on Day 4, he hit her with this over the phone: "So, where is this going? Are you even interested in me?"

Samantha, a bit taken aback, asked Pressurizer to elaborate, thinking he couldn't possibly be pressing her with such questions not even a week after they first met. They'd talked frequently and had a date planned for this weekend, so why is he trippin? Pressurizer told her he really likes her and he laid his expectations on the line. It came down to this: It's fine if they don't see each other face to face every day for now, but if they get into a relationship, he told her, he'd require they see each other daily.

Now, let me remind you: This conversation took place *four days* after Samantha and Pressurizer met. Not four months. Not four years. And he's already having a fit about not seeing her daily--to the tune of a two-hour conversation to discuss his "concerns"? Where they do that at?

Samantha is now thinking she will probably cancel her weekend date with Pressurizer because he put so much pressure on her so quick. I can't say I blame her. In hindsight, Samantha says, the fact that he called her for the first time at 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning the day after they met probably was the first warning sign he was a little too eager.

Guys, take note: Genuine interest is good. Scary/stalkerish/overeager tendencies are bad. Very bad. Here are three red flags we women generally take note of:

1. Possessiveness. I once had a guy I'd just met--who had gone out of town for the weekend-- tell me that if he were in town, I wouldn't be spending time with my friends because all of my time would be spent with him. Mind you, I'd known him for about one week. I cut him off immediately. While some women may find possessiveness flattering, many women find it to be scary and a warning sign to run far, far away.

2. Unrealistic expectations. No, it is not realistic for you to expect a woman you've just met to clear her schedule every day all day for you. And it's not realistic to expect to talk to her five to ten times a day. She had a life before she met you, and yes, she's happy to include you in it, but slow your roll, dude.

3. Short temper. Sure, we've all had a 'waiting by the phone' moment, hoping that that special someone would call soon. But copping an attitude with your love interest about not calling you back soon enough is a surefire way to push the person away if you just met. Big no-no.

TALK BACK: There are many red flags that signal danger in the dating world. What do you look out for? What warning signs signal to you that a guy might be crazy or deranged?

Coming to Terms With Firing My Hair Stylist

2010-03-11T20:34:00.010-05:00

It looked good, swung right, and made me smile just by glancing at it. I was ecstatic.

*pause*

That's right. I'd found a hair stylist who could do my hair just right. After tons of research online, I settled on a style called tree braids. I'd never known anyone who wore them but I thought they were cute, and always one to set my own trend, I went for it. A few hours more research later, I found a salon near my home.

At that salon was a hair stylist who did the damn thing when it came to my hair. So much so that I referred countless people to that salon for the same style. It's safe to say that I'm far from the only person I know wearing tree braids any more since I started rocking them last summer.

Problem was, the hair stylist I loved worked for a backwards-@ssed salon owner. Want to make an appointment? Don't count on it being easy. The process went a little something like this: A week prior to the appointment I wanted to schedule, I'd call the salon owner--who required that all appointments go through him, via his cellphone. He might answer, he might not. If you left a message, he might call you back ~~or you might have to harass him to get a return call~~. He also requested that you call him back the day before the appointment to confirm. Then, when you make that day-before call to confirm, he informs you that he then has to call the hair stylist to see if she can make it. [Why the h#ll didn't you do that before, fool?] Then, a few hours later, he eventually calls back to confirm the appointment.

Sound painful? It was. And I did this every 6-8 weeks from August 2009 through January 2010. Then I got fed up. One day this month, when I called the salon owner to confirm my appointment--and he told me he'd have to call me back after talking with the hair stylist--I decided to get back on my research grind to find another hair salon.

Didn't take long. I'd done some preliminary research already and knew who else did tree braids in my area. There's a particular way I like them done that is different from the way most places do them, so after confirming the new salon could hook me up, I made an appointment there. It was that easy. One phone call, appointment confirmed. WHALA!

So when the owner of the first salon finally called me back (over two hours later) to confirm my appointment, I told him I was canceling. And I told him why. In a nice way (I swear I was polite and cordial), I told him that his scheduling process is jacked up and (because of that and his tendency to be rude to customers when they call) had driven me and all of my referrals away from patronizing his business. He seemed to take it well... at first.

But apparently he had second thoughts. And that got me to thinking, maybe I should've read this advice or this advice about breaking up with your hair stylist before I spoke with him. Ah, hindsight.

Witness the voicemail he left me about a half hour after our phone conversation. [Full background: In addition to patronizing his business and referring my sister and friends, I also started a Facebook fan page for the salon at his request. But when I asked him to answer questions via e-mail from people who asked about pricing of various styles on the fan page, he couldn't be bothered.]

Play this in your head in the most smart-@ssed, irritated voice you can muster:

This is Salon Owner. I wanted to call you back and let you know I fully understand your position. This is my business model. And I work and the braiders do have to go through me because I still have to run this business and they don't go there and sit. I made it convenient for them as well so they don't just go there and sit. And I know I'm losing my customers to the braiders. There are not too many braiders who do tree braids. I know that I lose some of my customers to the braiders. There are not too many people in this area that do tree braids very well. When I'm not there I notice that I lose customers to some of the braiders. And it's highly possible that I've lost you and your sister to Hair Stylist and I wouldn't tell her that either. But I have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. This is the way I run this business model. I'm also very disappointed in those who would come to the shop and then move themselves into working with my braiders, and that is very disappointing as well because I work very hard to try to get customers in there. I had to go out and get a job and that's one of the reasons I haven't been responsive to facebook. I can't be responding to everything on facebook. I'm disappointed and I know that you're going to Hair Stylist, and Hair Stylist has to deal with that. So that's my message to you. If you care to call back, fine."

[*Names have been changed because I decided not to put Salon Owner on full blast, even though he ~~is an @sshole~~ deserves it.]

So in other words, dude is accusing me of stealing his stylist? The thing is, I did NOT do that, but Lawd knows I would if I could. But sadly, I don't have Hair Stylist's number. Later that evening, I got a long, rambling, unprofessional e-mail from the salon owner basically making the same points. #FAIL.

Anyhow, the new salon I went to is great. Takes a bit longer to do tree braids because they're smaller, but I've been told they look better. They have lots of braiders available for walk-ins at all times, and that = Lots of business. They stay busy. And it's much easier to make an appointment.

TALK BACK: Have you ever had to fire your hair stylist? How did it go?

You, Girl, Are the Cure for Trifling

2010-03-10T12:39:00.007-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Have the one or two weed heads, thugs (real or imagined), or aspiring music artists or producers--who managed to slip through the cracks during a bad breakup--told you, "If I had a woman like you, I'd stay focused"?

Or:

"I'd get a job and keep one."

"I'd stop selling and/or smoking weed."

"I'd stop running these streets."

"I'd move out my mama's house...and stay with you."

"I'd go to/finish school."

Admit it. You've heard this or some variation. Don't fake. Take a minute, go back, way back, and you know there is one of these guys in your past. It may have been the guy with the killer smile who "sells real estate" but can't seem to explain to you what an ARM is.

Tell the truth, the aspiring rapper who sold you your furniture had a great body, and since he broke you off with the discount (see FabFem 's blog post about perks for pretty girls) for that gorgeous mahogany chaise, you listened to the mix tape he also threw in for free (street value $5) and got drinks when he got off. Hell, you may have even kicked him out of your house around 3 a.m. this morning, so you could get some rest before you went to work this morning.

Go ahead and laugh, because you have either slept with or endured at least a movie or an IHOP breakfast sampler with this man.

We don't judge you.

But I can bet that every one of these guys will tell you, "I'm not perfect, but girl, If I had a woman like you, I'd straighten up."

So there it is, even after being raised by somebody, somewhere and walking this earth as a grown man making his own bad decisions, somehow YOU will be the catalyst that's going to get him on the straight and narrow.

Allow me to share with you one of the highest compliments I once received from this type of man: "Girl, you'd make a good stepmom to my kids."

Fanfrigginstastic.

After hearing that, I had to start making some promises of my own, like, never to drink again, never to give out my number at gas stations or Chinese buffets, or fast food restaurants, no matter how bad the breakup or how low my self esteem at the time.

Believe it or not, young men aren't even the biggest offenders. Some of these men may be well into their 30s, still talking such foolishness. Some may even be fathers themselves and are STILL talking this foolishness.

Case in point:

A young man I met a long time ago told me that given the opportunity, he could see himself putting an end to his thuggish ways (which included still having one foot in the drug-selling community). He'd leave the game and live a good, clean life with me by his side.

I had to laugh and shake my head because this guy had a small child. Wise beyond my years, I gave a response that I'm proud of to this day: "If you have a child, and you love this child, it shouldn 't take me, someone you barely know, to motivate you to do better. Your child--that came from you--should be motivation enough."

Apparently he liked it, too, because after thanking me for keeping it real, he declared my brutal honesty was further proof that I was the kind of woman he needed after all.

At that moment, I grabbed my purse, and I told him I wished him luck on his road to redemption, but that I couldn't join him. I gathered my safety buddy/wingwoman (who was entertaining his friend) and we left.

TALK BACK: Has a bad boy ever said that you are what he needs to change his ways? Did you try?

Sex On Your Period: Yay or Nay?

2010-03-08T13:43:00.000-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Rumor has it that neosoul crooner/sex symbol Maxwell sent female concertgoers into a frenzy last year when he declared during his sensual set, "I don't care if it's that time of the month. We can put towels down."

Pick your collective jaws up off the ground. Even if you are against it, there was a time you probably considered it, just once: "I mean, I'm real light right now anyway..."

If I've pulled your card, simmer down, we're all grown. You aren't a dirty freak if you do it, want to do it or considered it that one time when you were real "light." As I get older, I'm noticing more men and women aren't as vehemently against the idea as when we were younger. I've been in a couple of conversations-- sober and not-- where both sexes have taken Maxwell's stance and even suggested putting down dark-colored sheets in addition to the towel to cut down on potential embarrassment.

But there is still a strong contingent who say the love tunnel is temporarily shut down to all traffic during that time of the month.

It's no secret that women tend to get real randy in the days before, during and after their cycle, and biology backs that up. Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, author of the book, What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex, tells readers that if they feel comfortable with it, by all means let Aunt Flo join in on the fun. If you aren't completely convinced, Dr. Hutcherson explains the benefits of freakin' while you're leakin', which may include easing of cramps and migraines. In addition to breaking out the towel underneath your bum, she also suggests using a diaphragm or cervical cap to "decrease the amount of blood that escapes during sex."

Hutcherson says that some positions may be uncomfortable during that time of the month, and even oral sex is fair game. And, she says, some men actually like the taste of iron in the blood. (I've never heard this one. In fact, I've been told that men prefer that you give them a warning and give them the option of not heading down there.) Hutcherson warns that if your man takes the dive, he should not blow air into your vagina, because that air can actually travel through your lungs and affect your heart, causing an air embolism.

Never fear to my ladies who'd rather sit this one out until Flo has left the building. I'm not mad at you. Dr. Hutcherson says that even if you don't want to go all the way, getting close and cuddling during that time can release some healthy endorphins that will relieve pain. Everybody wins.

TALK BACK: Do you think that having sex while on your period is nasty?

Is Free Stuff Part of Being a Woman?

2010-03-02T13:34:00.002-05:00

Call it the gift and the curse of being a woman. You smile, look pretty, and men give you free stuff. The downside: They flirt--and may even ask for a date.

Case in point: I go to two restaurants where I rarely pay for my food. In both cases, men who work there give me my food for free. In one case, the manager has been comping my food for about eight years. In the other case, a bartender has been giving me free stuff for roughly a year or two.

I didn't ask either of these men to do this. In fact, both have rebuffed me when I pull out cash to pay. "Your money is no good here," they say, or, "Don't worry. I got you."

Whatever, I say to myself, no need to fight them to pay money I don't have to.

But that doesn't mean there isn't a price. In one case, the manager who comps my food is way older--I'd guess in his 60s--and he blatantly flirts with me. I am pretty certain he knows I'm not interested because it never goes further than his saying slick stuff to me when I'm in the restaurant. Last weekend, he told me he was glad I came to the restaurant alone and not with a date--because he doesn't like to see me with dates. "I don't like those guys," he told me. [Note to self: I knew one day I'd be glad I took my exes who were 6'10 and 6'4, respectively, into said restaurant to pick up food. Obviously, they left an impression. :-)]

WTF. Speechless, I just took my free food and rolled out.

But this man also bought me a dozen pink roses when I graduated from college several years ago. He said they were from the restaurant staff. My daddy--probably just a few years older than him--was none too happy.

Besides free food, off the top of my head, I've gotten free car maintenance, cable service, home repair, and party admission from guys I barely know (or don't know at all), just by showing up and smiling sweetly. The common thread? I never ask for free stuff. Guys just offer. The whole damsel in distress idea, maybe?

TALK BACK: Have you ever gotten free stuff just because you're a woman? Tell us about it.

Number of Sexual Partners: Do Tell or TMI?

2010-02-24T13:55:00.006-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Is sharing your sexual "number"--how many partners you've truly been with, no fudging or lapses in memory--simply TMI?

Some people believe you should tell the real number and get it out there and be honest with every person you encounter intimately.

Other folks feel like it's worth telling only those you are serious with.

Then others, like me, generally believe it's just a bad idea, and no matter your number, you are going to still look less than pure-- especially to the man of your dreams if you've manged to find him. If the number is higher than zero, I think sometimes for a lot of men (the ones who are interested in something real), it's just too hard a pill to swallow.

Let's face it. I've had male friends admit that, especially for women they think highly of or want to be "the one," although deep down they know someone has probably put down footprints on her path... they really don't want to know if there was an eight-lane highway built there.

What I do believe can and should be discussed with any potential partner is sexual health history...recent tests taken, status, etc. Vox Magazine offers good advice on how to broach the topic.

But actual number of partners? Ehhhh.

Nope.

Yeah, yeah, I'm all about women's liberation. We make more money, we're more independent and educated and we have the right to sleep with however many people we want as long as we are responsible and no one should trip, right?

Wrong.

All things being equal, sure that makes sense. But in the real world, if you're a woman and have bedded "too many" men, both women and men will agree that you, my dear, are still considered a hoe.

So how many is too many? Well that's for each individual person to decide. But I did get put on to an interesting theory about "the number" from a man.
I like to call it the "casual encounters to relationship to age of sexual debut ratio" (patent pending on the name).

Based on some scenarios my male friend offered up, I've created a game for y'all. It's called: "WHO'S THE HOE HERE?"

A 26-year-old who started having sex at 18, has had three long-term relationships lasting an average of two years each has a total number of five sexual partners.
If she was faithful during the relationships, the 2 partners who weren't considered boyfriends probably punched her freedom card in those periods between committed relationships, or she may have gotten one casual in before her first relationship.

Of the eight total years of her getting her swerve on, six of those years were in a faithful situation.

SURVEY SAYS: NOT A HOE.

I was told in that scenario, that number was not bad at all and that most men could probably take that on the chin and move on happily with that woman.

But, I was also told, if you are 18, started having sex at 18 and you have 5 partners before your 19th birthday.... yes, at this rate you are on par to have Tiger-like numbers by the time you hit 26.

SURVEY SAYS: "HEY DIRTY, BABY I GOT YOUR MONEY." YOU ARE A HOE.

Now, things happen. And I was told there may be an asterisk by your number in certain situations depending on your faithfulness, too.

My male friend put this doosey on me. I needed a calculator with sine and cosine functions to figure this one out... so help me out.

Say you are 24, you started doing the freaky deek at 18, and you've been in a relationship for five years with one person and you've managed to have *8 partners.

Oh boy. According to the math, you either: A. picked up your numbers early on in that one year you were single before that relationship; B. went buck wild post-relationship; or C. you were doing dirt during that relationship. SURVEY SAYS: ???????? If you answered B, I'm willing to give you some leniency. But if your answers are A. and C, click here to reclaim your prize.

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU'VE FALLEN INTO ANY OF THESE SITUATIONS WHERE THE SURVEY SAID THOSE ACTIONS WERE HOE-WORTHY, FABULOUSFEMININITY.BLOGSPOT.COM IS NOT JUDGING YOU.

TALK BACK: Do you share the number of sexual partners you've previously had with a new partner--and do you want him to tell you his "number"?

Am I Entering Cougar Territory?

2010-02-22T15:20:00.002-05:00

I think I'm too young to be a cougar.

I'm 29 years old, approaching my 30th birthday in about seven months. I usually date older guys, up to 10 years older than me, but typically in their early-mid 30s. So I was a little taken aback this weekend when I met a guy--who we'll call Young Buck (YB for short)--who looked like he was about the right age... until he hit me with this: He's 23 (!).

Insert look of *shock* here. I couldn't even hide it.

He obviously sensed my surprise at how young he was. He asked if his age was a problem.

Yes, I told him. He asked why.

Well, besides the fact that I'm not a cougar, I told him that I'm at the point in my life where I am looking to get married and have kids in the next several years, and I'm not convinced that a 23 year old would be ready for all of that before, say, age 30 or so. At least I know I wasn't ready at age 25ish for all that.

He said he is ready for all of that when he meets the right person.

I was skeptical, to say the least.

One friend pointed out that it should be OK for me to date a guy who is six years younger than me if it's acceptable for me to date men the same number of years older than me.

My friend has a point. And besides, what do I have to lose?

Still, the honest truth is that I've met very few men in their early 20s who are mature enough to handle dating a grown woman who is over the petty BS of the early 20s. Like, over it, finito, finished, in a don't-go-there-with-me kinda way. It really is a maturity issue.

Anyhow, after YB told me his age, I gradually distanced myself from him at the lounge we were at. That is, until he followed me to the bathroom to give me his business card. He asked me to please give him a chance to show he's mature enough to handle dating me.

Hmmmm. He gets points for persistence, I guess. And he has a great job as a network administrator for a large company, so I guess that shows he's serious about life.

But...one big caveat: I Googled him, and someone with his real name--and it's a pretty unique name--has a Twitter account on which this person calls himself the king of jumpoffs. WTF?!

Now, you know FabFem will be asking him about that. (Remember the last guy Google helped me weed out?)

I took my friend's advice and e-mailed YB a few minutes ago. He just replied. We'll see if he's as mature as he claims to be, and if that Twitter page belongs to him.

Does it help that his 24th birthday is just one month away? :-)

TALK BACK: Do you date younger men? Why or why not?

The End of a Very Intimate Relationship

2010-02-22T14:13:00.005-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

The worst breakups are the ones you don't see coming.

You thought you found the right one. And after a long, hard search, it was like a dream when you finally found her. She was good looking, charming, funny. And she made you feel oh so comfortable, especially when you felt self conscious and exposed.

She knew you intimately. No question was a stupid question. No topic out of bounds.

You actually told her how many sexual partners you've had in your lifetime...the real number. She offered good advice and couldn't wait to share the moment when you finally had your first child.

That's right.

I'm pissed and hurt right now.

My gynecologist up and left the practice.

She didn't say a word. Didn't leave a note or a text...She didn't even have an office minion email me the devastating news. She's just gone.

And I would have never known, save for a call I made to refill my prescription because my drug insurance company all but put a gun to my head to participate in their drugs by mail program.

Receptionist: "Dr. Wonderful -- Oh I'm sorry, she's not with us anymore. She left in November. Ohhhh, I guess she didn't tell all of her patients. But we have nine other doctors in the practice and we'd love to continue to have you as a patient."

So now, dejected, I guess I'm back to square one. It really is a lovely practice, but the others... they just aren't like her.

She was like if Claire Huxtable was a gynecologist. It seemed like she had it all (including the super handsome husband and brace-faced, yet still gorgeous daughter prominently displayed in herfung-sui styled office). It's almost embarrassing to say, but I felt like a high school girl who wanted her to be my mentor. She just seemed really fierce. Shewasn't condescending. She didn't make assumptions.

She also understood the value of the good, healthy choices I've made in my life and being another woman of color, she celebrated the fact that I had it together and genuinely wanted me to continue to keep it that way. She made what is usually those 10 uncomfortable minutes bemoaned by all women bearable, just chatting away as if we were girlfriends. It just won't be the same. So back into the wilderness to find the right person to, well, probe my wilderness.

Wish me luck. I've decided to wear black panties for a week in mourning.

TALK BACK: Have you ever had to say goodbye to a great gynecologist? Did you ever find one you liked just as much? Or did you have to settle?

When Neighbors Try to Holla

2010-02-17T11:04:00.003-05:00

Dating a neighbor can be convenient or disastrous, depending on how you look at it. I know people for whom it's worked out just fine. But after one bad experience dating a past neighbor who'd miraculously appear outside when I'd go to my car and would leave me messages saying he knew I was home because my bedroom or bathroom lights were on ~~and he was a stalker~~ (#FAIL), I'm not eager to try it again. Still, that doesn't keep the fellas from trying.

Enter the two back-to-back blizzards the DC area had in one week this month, which meant lots of time digging out outside--and seeing neighbors I've never seen before.

First up was Snow Angel, the guy who always cleans off my car when it snows. He asked me out to dinner last week. I declined. He's cool and nice but I'm not really attracted to him, plus he lives too damn close for comfort. The second guy who tried to talk to me last week lives nearby but not in my building, but I wasn't interested in him, either. He was a little creepy.

And the third guy--well, he just really, really, really seemed to like himself, and that was a turnoff. He started the conversation by telling me all about his job (I didn't ask about it, he just told me and didn't ask me about my own career). He has a high-profile government job, according to him, in addition to his night gig throwing parties with friends. He travels all over the world, he said. He made it seem as though he has it all together. But soon I realized that, at thirtysomething, he lives in a small two-bedroom condo with his mom and brother, which made me wonder if he's just frontin'. I'm always suspicious of people who brag anyway -- They're usually hiding something.

The final nail in this guy's coffin was when I asked him to walk me down the street to my car (where I'd moved it while our parking lot was plowed) because it was getting dark and I didn't want to walk alone. His response? "No, I'm not walking down there." Needless to say, that was the end of our conversation. Snow Angel ended up walking me to my car instead, which was the gentlemanly thing to do, after all.

Anyway, I had to laugh at how forward my neighbors got with all of the snow on the ground. All three admitted they've seen me coming and going before, but none ever approached me in the past--and I don't recall seeing or meeting any of them before this winter. Why did they all of the sudden get comfortable enough to ask me out, just because I was outside with a shovel in my hands?

TALK BACK: Would you date a neighbor? Why or why not?

No, You Can't Get My Phone Number

2010-02-05T22:07:00.007-05:00

When a guy asks for your number, you're either happy or you feel incredibly awkward. If it's a guy you are really interested in getting to know, you might be eager to talk to him again.

But here is a word of caution: Once a guy has your number, you can't take it back--and you might want to.

Trust me, I know ~~because stalkers/crazy people seem to like me~~.

But is there ever an easy way to convince a dude that you like him but not enough for him to get your digits? ("Can I have your number instead?") I honestly don't have the answer. I guess you could set up a voicemail number or get a second cellphone number just for the purpose of giving it to guys you're not so sure about. But then you also have to be sure you don't call the guy from your "real" number until you're ready for him to have it. And that can be tricky, to say the least.

I learned this lesson the hard way a while back. I met a guy who seemed cool--We'll call him Certifiable Loser (CL). CL is not the cutest guy around but he seemed nice, had a decent job, didn't seem crazy (at least not at first). So we exchanged numbers. Then came warning sign No. 1: He called and insisted on talking with me my entire drive home. I guess some women might see that as attentive and cute, but I'd just spent 20 minutes talking with him in person and I thought it was a bit over eager.

Still, I gave CL a couple more phone conversations before I decided I wasn't interested, and I slowly stopped returning his phone calls. (We never even went on a date.) Then I started getting calls from blocked numbers. At first the calls came during the day. Then they happened sometimes in the middle of the night. If I answered, the person wouldn't say anything--he'd just listen to me breathe.

Along the way, CL somehow found me on MySpace--back when people still actually used MySpace. And he started messaging me there. I ignored him.

Next, the blocked calls to my cellphone became more frequent. This went on for months, I tell you, MONTHS. Ugh.

And soon, the person started putting in "187" as the number to page me.

Yes, I said 187. Remember that? As in "187, with my gat in your mouth, fool"--the police code for murder. So now the dude was not only stalking me by phone, but he was threatening to kill me?! WTF.

I called my cellphone company. They said I had to go to the police in order to have them subpoena my phone records to hopefully figure out the source of the unblocked calls and 187 pages.

That's when I found out that whoever did this--and my money is on CL--was spoofing their number so that even when the police traced the blocked calls, it only traced back to a fake number that couldn't be further tracked. My only option to stop getting harassed was to change my number.

So I did just that and gave it to everyone except for CL.

And whaddoyaknow, the calls mysteriously stopped. CL had no choice except to leave me alone. He didn't know anything else about me except for my phone number and what I looked like. Problem solved. Thank goodness.

The female cop handling my case said I should never give my number to new dudes I meet. But even after this wacky experience with CL, I still give my number out occasionally, depending on (A) how long I've gotten to talk to the dude in person to assess his potential level of crazy/stalkerness, and (B) if I feel comfortable enough to give him the digits.

That said, it's not an exact science. Hell, I'm still dodging calls and texts from Blast From Past. (In fact, BFP just texted me to tell me he noticed I just became a fan of a company on Facebook and he has a meeting with that company next week...Me [thinking, as I delete him as a fb friend]: Um, dude, I've been ignoring you for days. Why are you fb stalking me?! SMH.) Sigh.

TALK BACK: Do you feel comfortable giving your phone number out to new guys you meet? Why or why not?

Weeding Out Potential Stalkers

2010-02-04T13:18:00.004-05:00

Have you ever had a guy seem like he was cool at first--attentive, good job, nice home and car--and then you find out he's... well... a little crazy? That the attentiveness actually has turned into stalkerlike behavior?

I guess we all have our preferences. Some women (I suppose--because otherwise why would some men do this? Someone must like it) must prefer a guy who calls and texts them literally all day long (by this I mean hardly a 15-30 minute interval goes by without you hearing from him) because he wants to "stay in touch."

But me, you know, I have a job. One that requires that I concentrate. I do spend time during my workday catching up with family or friends, but I cannot spend all day talking, texting and instant messaging. I just can't. What I prefer is a guy who stays in touch by contacting me periodically--no set timeframes.

I don't want to feel like a guy is texting/calling/IMing solely because he's a control freak who wants to know my movements every step of the day. That's a little scary...and um, to me signals the potential for trouble down the line.

Enter Blast From Past (BFP), a guy who I went out with about five years ago; I think we went on two, maybe three, dates. Then--for a reason I no longer recall--I cut him off. We reconnected through Facebook recently, and I was reminded pretty quickly why I must've gotten rid of him in the first place.

I gave him my number. First Big Mistake. I called him that night, as I promised him online that I would. Mind you, I was under the weather, and soon after I left him a voicemail, I laid down to rest because I was feeling worse. Well, soon my phone starting going off. BFP called twice, left a voicemail and then texted me three times, all within the next hour or two.

The next morning, he texted me again--before I'd returned any of his previous messages.

I knew I had a problem...and I was already feeling smothered, and we hadn't even had a real conversation yet. So I was direct. I texted him to let him know that there is no need to blow my phone up if he's already left a message. When I get the message, I told him, I *will* ~~maybe if I decide he's not a stalker~~ get back to him.

He said okay, acted like he understood.

But soon I realized, as we talked on instant messager while at work one day, that he doesn't really get it. He IMs me ALL DAY LONG. And I mean all day. To the point where I no longer sign into IM, just so that I can be productive and dodge him. And guess what happened yesterday--the first day I didn't sign into IM? He started texting me on my cellphone. And I was busy...with work. Too busy to do the let's-talk-literally-all-day-long thing again. Nevermind that it's exhausting.

Four unanswered text messages, a phone call and a voicemail later (all received yesterday while I was at work and in the evening), I think maybe he got the point.

I think. Only time will tell ~~because I'm never calling him again~~.

BFP also made no secret that he was keeping tabs on my Facebook page. When I joined a fan page for a local TV station, he texted just a few minutes later to say something about that particular station. When I posted a status update about wanting a cupcake, he messaged me about that, too. It was a little creepy. No worries, though, he's on "limited profile" now. So no more cyber stalking...at least not through Facebook.

I should've known this would only go downhill when BFP made a point of telling me he's "not crazy" during our first phone conversation after we reconnected--something he said totally unprompted. I think it's odd for someone to volunteer that they're not crazy. Did I say you were crazy? Clearly, ~~almost certainly~~ maybe he's been accused of being crazy or stalkerish in the past. And that's probably not far from the truth.

TALK BACK: Do you have a breaking point where a guy--who may think he's showing 'interest'--is actually scaring you because he seems like a potential stalker? What warning signs signal a potential stalker for you?

Why a Woman's Weave is None of Your Business

2010-01-26T16:00:00.008-05:00

I wear a weave and I'm proud of it, dammit.

Well, actually I wear braids -- a style called tree braids that looks kinda like a weave because the braids are hidden.

No matter, posts like this one from a blog I read regularly annoy me. So does anyone who looks down on women who wear weaves.

Why? Because an outsider has absolutely no idea why a woman might choose to wear a weave. It's not always just a fashion thing, trust me.

I have various minor health problems. And somewhere along the line, my hair--already soft and fine--seemed to start growing more slowly in certain places. I don't know if it was the medications, relaxers, or what, that caused this problem. I just know that my hair is always longer on top and in the back than on the sides, and even though it's long enough to pull back in a ponytail, it's hard to find a style I can wear sans weave that doesn't look foolish.

So I embraced weaves. And braids. In short, I embraced what I feel looks good on me. I don't really care if certain people have an issue with it. It's not about them.

I know that my natural hair--now relaxer free and protected from daily styling because it's hidden and cornrowed--has its best shot at growing out in a healthy way as it's currently styled.

My advice for anyone--male or female--who feels you have a right to judge someone who wears a weave is to please consider this: You can never know another person's motivation. From cancer to arthritis treatments to a bad perm or coloring to simply being cursed with hair that just won't grow, there are plenty of reasons why a woman might choose to wear full or partial weaves or braids. You have a right to your personal preferences, yes, but broad generalizations about women who wear weaves are silly and usually false.

If you've been blessed with a head of healthy hair and you're happy with it and weave free, good for you. We're happy for you and trust me, we wish we could say the same.

Oh, but please don't consider this post a defense of bad weaves. It's not. I don't condone that at all. So, my fellow weave wearers, I just ask one thing: Keep it looking good ... because over-the-top, extreme, down-to-your-butt weaves are not cute, and overgrown braids or bad or poorly maintained weaves are NOT cool, so please do it right or not at all. :-)

He's Dating Her?! Hating On Your Ex's New Girl

2010-01-26T11:43:00.005-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

I think there is something genetically inherent in all women that makes them believe they are smarter, more attractive, and just all around better than their ex's new woman.

You might be over the guy and have moved on, but sometimes it is just downright entertaining and indulgent to pick the new girl apart. The most necessary ingredient to do this effectively is to do it with your friends, who will wholeheartedly co-sign that you are indeed, smarter, attractive and just all around better than the new chick.

Even if Rhianna scooped up your romantic leftovers and is grinning ear-to-ear, best believe you and your girls will say despite her fame and beauty and fortune... "she let a man beat her bloody before she left. Then she went back and left again! Girl... you waaaaay smarter than that."

Sometimes you actually meet Ms. New in person (Which usually gives you the most and best ammo -- You can hear she has a lisp. You can see that's not her real hair or real hair color and that she needs a manicure. You may even find out if you have more education or a better job than her. And wait, is that a moustache???

Sometimes you see a photo (thanks to online social networking).

Sometimes your social circles are so small that mutual friends meet her or find out enough about her to give you the scoop, and now you've got enough evidence to let the dissection begin. You've probably even made up stuff about the girl off of what you've seen and heard to further solidify just how fabulous you are in comparison and just how low your former man has sunk when it comes to selecting quality women. And it's funny. Why? Because it means you're better than both of them! It's catty. Yes. It's not really classy at all, and yet even the nicest, most put together women still do it anyway because it feels so good.

We've all done it, myself included. Even as a grown woman, I've made jokes about my high school ex who is now nearly 30, still trying to get his rap career off the ground from his mother's basement and "going back to finish school next semester." He also has a propensity for dating 19-year-old girls. Yes, sadly enough, I've seen pics of him at the girl's prom and YouTube videos of her dancing provocatively to reggae. LMAO.

OK, now that I think about it, I've got so much dirt to clown him, it's almost heartless for me to go in on a young woman still trying to find herself, so she gets a reprieve. I've already won, even on my worst day! Tasteless to compare myself to a 19-year-old video ho wannabe--no contest. Guilty as charged. But oh well. It's good fodder over drinks and fondue with my girls.

But really. Is the new woman really that ugly? That unsuccessful? The most interesting aspect of all in this picking we do is everything is surface. We can never really know the girl, or how well she actually does compliment your ex behind closed doors. The new chick may not be as attractive as you, but she could be a sweet girl. Maybe she dances like a ho on the internet, but cooks like a dream and reads to children in the cancer ward of the hospital. You never know. And hell, you don't want to know that stuff because you want to talk crap about her, because you want to talk crap about your ex. That's really what it boils down to.

But you see my point? I just can't help it! Face it, neither can you. It's genetic, and it's honestly a victimless crime. You mend your ego, have some good laughs while everyone, including you, your ex, his new woman and hopefully your new, better man drive off into the sunset.

It makes me wonder, though, just how spot on our obviously biased assessments are of the new chick. Are her teeth really that crooked? Is she even that bowlegged? Because ironically enough, somewhere, some girl is looking at your Facebook page with her friends wondering what on earth your current boyfriend sees in you.

TALK BACK: Do you compare yourself to your ex's new woman/women and always feel he traded down? And if you're making these comparisons, is it still fair to say that you're over the guy?

Is Sleeping Over a Dating Requirement?

2010-01-19T13:36:00.002-05:00

It's an unspoken rule. If you're dating someone and especially if you have sex with that person, he or she should spend the night.

Or at least I thought it was an unspoken rule. But now I'm not so sure. Apparently, some people are just "weird." So for instance, if a man is interested in a woman, he may still prefer to sleep in his own bed, even if he's spent most of the day/evening with the woman. He may invest lots of time with her, spending hours talking, going out on dates, just kicking it--but he's not going to sleep over. That doesn't mean that the woman can't stay over at his house, however. That's fine. He's just not comfortable sleeping at anyone else's house.

I didn't know these strange people existed. So I recently surveyed a friend and two close relatives--all women. I asked them, is it just me, or is it a big problem if a man you're dating won't sleep over--especially if you're having sex? They agreed. It's totally unacceptable. And I was right there with them.

That is, until I talked to a male friend, who is engaged and says he doesn't even like sleeping over at his fiancee's house sometimes.

He'd just rather sleep in his own bed, he said.

Really?! But his fiancee is accepting of that, he says, and it works for them.

TALK BACK: Do you go through an adjustment period before you're comfortable sleeping over at the home of someone you're dating? If so, how long does it usually take for you to feel comfortable?

Is It OK to Take a Doggie Bag Home From a Date?

2010-01-14T14:40:00.010-05:00

You're on a date, and the food is delicious--so good, in fact, that you really don't want to leave any of it behind. Would it be tacky to ask for a doggie bag?

The ladies on Let's Talk About Pep debated this on Monday's episode. Pepa's friend Kittie said the food was so good on her date with the Toe Sucker that she took some home.

OMG, that's tacky--was pretty much how her girls reacted when they heard what she'd done. But the food was soooo good, she responded, so she just couldn't leave it behind.

A FabFem reader said on this blog's Facebook fan page that this conversation was the most memorable tidbit she took from the show. Is it really tacky to take leftovers home from a date, she asked?

I guess my answer is conditional: Is it the first date? The second? Or the 25th or 50th date? My rule of thumb is that if I'm just starting to date a guy, hell no, I'm not taking a doggie bag home. Heck, I make sure I leave some food on the plate so he doesn't think I'm greedy and have never had a good meal before. But if he's my man or damn near it and I really want to have some for lunch or dinner the next day, I would be OK with taking leftovers home. I don't think leaving the impression of tackiness is such an issue if you've been dating for months or years.

At least one columnist agrees. In the column, Table Manners, the writer suggests not taking a doggie bag home for at least the first three dates. It could leave a bad impression, she says, and it could even impede your date's ability to lean in for a kiss if the box or bag is blocking his way. (On the flip side, once you've snagged the man, our First Lady shows it's acceptable to take leftovers home. She was photographed on Valentine's Day last year carrying a bag home from her date with the President.)

Then there is the I-Don't-Care-Because-I'll-Never-See-This-Loser-Again-Anyway category. For me, that's Cutie With Attitude, who I've known for going on two years (and who I'll probably never see again after this incident). We went out to dinner two weeks ago, and I took leftovers home with me. But that was more to spite him since he made a point of telling me how much he hates my dog ... and he felt himself up at the dinner table (!). I took the steak leftovers home for my dog to eat, not me (and boy, did he love it).

TALK BACK: Is it OK to take a doggie bag home from a date? Does your rule of thumb depend on how long you've been dating--i.e. whether it's the first date or the 50th date?

Annual Cellphone Cleanout: New Year, Fresh Start?

2010-01-13T10:59:00.001-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

We're barely two weeks into 2010, and it seems everyone is cleaning house and getting rid of dead weight. Folks are reevaluating what's important and trying to figure out how to make their lives better than it was last year. I think that's a great idea.

It's a clean slate. Even in the dating world, it appears that folks are "cleaning" out their cellphones, figuring out which folks to leave behind in '09 and which folks might have potential to go the distance in the new year.

Apparently a dude I met literally a year ago was doing the annual cellphone cleanout this past weekend. And apparently, I managed to escape the ditch pile and ended up in the unfortunate group of let's try again. We'll call this guy High Ass Hairline (HAH) because frankly, that's what I put in my phone when we exchanged numbers at a gas station during a time when I had low self esteem and already one terrible date under my belt after a difficult breakup. (The bad date involved my date getting into a fistfight in the parking lot and me driving away, past the brawl in disgust.)

Anyway, it was 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning when HAH called. I was sleeping in after traveling the night before. I answered and heard a male voice on the other end asking if I know who it is. I say no, he tells me his name and that we met a year ago at the gas station. So he's trying to ask me how I'm doing and make small talk....at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning. And I stop him in his tracks. I basically say that after a year, he doesn't really need to call me, and that I'm not interested in having any kind of conversation with him ... and that I have a man.

Dude goes into a tirade, which includes, "I know I didn't need to call you but I did. And all you had to say was you had a man. I'm a grown ass man. I don't know how old you are, but I can take it."

Because I love y'all, and needed blog material, I decided to dig deeper and ask him why after all this time, if we haven't spoken, would he call me now?

He said that he had been overseas, and that he also figured that if he wasn't the right man for me back then, who knows? He could have all of the qualities I need now. He called me "negative" and asked me if I ever read the book, The Secret, said that if I hadn't, I should read it. During his tirade, he told me that I should be flattered he contacted me after all this time and that I was still on his mind like that. I told him I wasn't mad and humored him, saying that I appreciated the fact that I had stayed on his mind for so long even after ignoring him. I said happy new year and bid him adieu. I honestly believe HAH thought I forgot about him, and that he could reinvent himself. Especially if he thought after time passed that he could be what I "needed" LMAO!

BACKGROUND: High Ass Hairline drove a sports car, was a peewee football coach, had a good government gig and had no kids. He bragged about himself and his home often. So much so that he always wanted me to come over. I didn't want a first date at someone's house and told him I was uncomfortable. He gave the excuse of me being immature, assuming he wanted sex from me. When he asked me to come over a second time, he was on his way home from work. I told him since he was already out, why don't we meet for a drink? To which he replied, "I had a rough day, I'd rather chill at home with you." To which I replied, "If your day was that rough, you are ill prepared for company. Hit me up when you are ready to go on a public date." After that shutdown, I just kept ignoring his calls until he faded out a month or so later.

TALK BACK: Have you cleansed your phone of undesirable suitors in honor of the new year? Are you trying to go after missed opportunities in the new year? And are folks calling you now that the new year has rolled in?

'Let's Talk About Pep' Reflects Sad State of Dating

2010-01-12T13:07:00.003-05:00

If the new reality TV show, Let's Talk About Pep, is any indication, the world of dating for black women is a sad, sad, sad state of affairs.

I mean, I thought I had it rough. But Pep hasn't had a date or had sex in four years. FOUR YEARS! Whoa.

And when she finally did get a date, the dude's hair (was it an S-curl? A Jheri curl?) caught on fire as he tried to romance her in the hot tub. Oddly, this didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she left her girls wondering whether she had sex with him after his hair fire was extinguished.

I had a little teeny bit of hope for a date who took Pep's girl Kittie out. He was a bit boring but at least seemed like he was about something--at first. That is, until Kittie made it clear that she was bored with his talk of his business and financial planning. Then, I guess dude decided he needed to keep her attention by getting freaky. He started talking about his foot fetish at the dinner table in the restaurant. Then he took her to the strip club to "make it rain."

Really, dude?

I guess it worked for him, though. Kittie was all about it, getting freaky in the strip club, bending over, shaking her bootie as he threw money at her.

The date ended with him sucking Kittie's toes in the car on the way home. Major FAIL. Yuck. Did this fool know he was going to be on TV? He's now officially a laughing stock and will surely get clowned by any woman he approaches who saw last night's episode.

Sadly, Kittie's date's behavior wasn't that shocking for me, since I recently ditched Cutie With Attitude, who has a foot fetish, too, and would cop an attitude because I would not send him camera phone photos of my feet and other body parts. He and Kittie's lame, freaky date would get along well, I'm sure.

TV personality Jacque Reid is another friend of Pepa's, and she's at the point in her life where she is less worried about finding a man and more worried about becoming a mother. She's nearing the end of childbearing age and has reached the point where she's ready to have a baby even if she doesn't have a husband. She took Lamman Rucker out to dinner to broach the subject of if he'd father her child.... and I definitely ain't mad at her for that. He's so fine that many women (myself included) wouldn't mind him being a baby's daddy. *Fanning myself* at the thought of Lamman's fine, fine, fine self. Oh boy, that's a gorgerous man. Wow.

A quick Google search suggests that Pepa is 42 or 43 years old. I am 29. I'd hoped dating would improve as I got older. But the hot mess I witnessed on television last night gives me little hope. No worries, though, I can always take Jacque's approach if all else fails in another decade or so.

Thrill of the Chase: Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy

2010-01-05T21:14:00.004-05:00

There's something to be said about how men respond to being ignored. It's totally counterintuitive for us as women, but it's like guys enjoy being ignored. It keeps them interested. Call it the thrill of the chase or whatever. Guys seem to love it.

I told you recently that I was holding out hope for Handsome Honey. Well, in addition to remaining hopeful, I also pretty much started ignoring him.

Like, not calling him at all. Like not sounding excited to talk when he first called me after not calling me for a while. Like being friendly but brief in our text message exchanges and sometimes not replying to his texts at all. And like going out on a date, albeit a bad one, with someone else.

And what do you know? I've talked to HH four times by phone in the past five or six days and I only initiated contact on one of those occasions, and that was because I had a problem that I needed his help with. Mostly he calls and says he's just checking on me. On Sunday he wanted to see me but I told him I was busy.

Today, when I called to ask him about my problem, he answered the phone even though he was in the midst of working on his home renovation. He took a break to see what I needed.

Now, I wasn't calling HH often to begin with, but in the past couple of weeks, my calls and texts have come to an almost complete halt. But maybe it's as simple as this advice from Yahoo! Personals: "By not calling him, he'll start calling you and wondering what happened."

Who knew?

TALK BACK: Do you think that ignoring a man makes him more interested in a woman? Why or why not?

Would You Date--Or Marry--a Weed Smoker?

2010-01-04T14:00:00.004-05:00

I hate smoking. And for good reason. You see, I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. When I was a kid, simply being around my father's clothing after he smoked cigarettes was enough to make me start sneezing, have trouble breathing and give me a runny nose.

As I got older, I encountered a new type of smoke: Weed smoke. I never indulged myself; I was far too afraid of having an asthma attack to try that. But my friends smoked, some regularly and heavily. And when I was younger, it wasn't a big deal to date a guy who was a weed smoker, so long as he didn't smoke around me and wasn't into other types of drugs.

Now that I'm damn near 30, I'm annoyed by weed smokers. I don't like the smell, don't want to taste it when I kiss a guy, and don't like thinking he's under the influence or carrying weed on him when we're together.

But sometimes, I second guess myself. There's one guy (no, not this guy) who is a successful engineer who never smokes around me, but I know he smokes weed on occasion. He's 37, makes a six-figure salary and is otherwise a stand-up, good guy. Is it too rash of me to judge him for being an occasional weed smoker?

I recently talked about this issue with a few family members, and they said as long as the guy smokes outside and never around me, I shouldn't sweat it. But still, I wonder, is this a compromise I should make in the name of love? Is it possible that my soul mate is a weed smoker?

TALK BACK: Would you date or marry a weed smoker? Why or why not?

First Day of the Year, First Bad Date of 2010

2010-01-02T22:40:00.003-05:00

It's never a good thing when your date feels himself up before you have a chance to.

Having been stuck in the house a lot lately--because of snowstorms and being sick--I took Cutie With Attitude up on his offer to go out to dinner on New Year's Day. I hadn't talked to him in weeks, since I asked him to stop contacting me, but he reappeared during the holidays, as they usually do.

I thought a nice dinner date would be a welcome trip out of the house. I thought. And I kinda sorta had fun...at first.

That is, until CWA unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and began rubbing his chest, doing an LL Cool J thing with his lips, while we were sitting at the dinner table in the restaurant.

As he felt himself up, he said, "You like that, don't you?"

Me: "No, really I don't."

WTF. Did he really think that was sexy?!? WHY ME?!?

It only got worse after that. Somehow the conversation turned to CWA's hatred for animals. Apparently a large dog bit him when he was a child. So, he told me, he hates dogs--and that includes my 4-pound dog. Any woman he marries better get rid of her dog if she has one, he told me. I told him that's too bad because the only way I'd ever consider getting rid of my dog would be if I fell in love with someone who was severely allergic to him. Otherwise, CWA can kick rocks.

Needless to say, I was happy when the check came, and I was very quiet the entire ride home. I was relieved that CWA did not attempt to come inside my place, but he did walk me to the door. When I got home, I decided to check out CWA's facebook page--He'd just signed up for fb not too long ago and we became fb friends while we were at dinner. I took a quick look at his page and went to bed.

The next morning, I tried to go back to CWA's facebook page to look at it in more detail--and guess what? He had deleted me as a friend on facebook! I texted him to say, "You deleted me as a facebook friend? Wow." He responded right away and claimed that he hadn't deleted me. He said he didn't know what happened. Must've been some sort of facebook glitch. Whatever, dude.

Do all of these dudes read from the same BS handbook of excuses? I'm mean, you really must be kidding me.

On to the next one.

Holding Out Hope for Handsome Honey

2009-12-29T17:48:00.004-05:00

Handsome Honey is still around. And I *hope* it stays that way. Still, I hate to say it, but it's not looking good.

While we started off great with that 7-hour initial phone conversation, we've since diminished into talking on the phone maybe once a week, with an occasional text message in between.

I tried to write it off the last few weeks as him being busy. Finishing up final exams for his classes, demolishing and re-building his home, work commitments, etc. But let's face it: No one is that busy. And that's becoming more and more apparent now that he's on winter break from school and no longer has that excuse.

Don't get me wrong, I do like HH. Very much so. But we rarely talk at this point, so my interest is waning. I refuse to be the only one reaching out, so I'm basically just waiting to see if/when he calls me. The last time I saw him was the Sunday before Christmas. Then he texted me on Christmas day to wish me a happy holiday. I returned to town on the Sunday after Christmas after a visit with my family out of state and that evening, I received a text message from HH, asking when I'd be back in town. "I am back" was my reply. He replied soon after that, sounding annoyed that I hadn't let him know my whereabouts, saying he wanted to go to dinner with me that night.

But if you really wanted to take me to dinner, would you have waited until 7 p.m. that day to ask me? Really? Not to mention that we hadn't had an actual conversation in a week.

Nonetheless, I keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily a dealbreaker if -- and that's a big IF -- he gets it together. If he doesn't, I will have to assume he's just not that into me and move on.

Meanwhile, Mr. Serious has thrown his hat back into the ring, and there's a new guy from my hometown who we'll refer to as Home Boy. He's headed to town this evening to have drinks with me. Never a dull moment for FabFem. More on that later.

My DC Snowpocolyse Survival Story

2009-12-21T11:48:00.006-05:00

I don't know why and I don't know who, but *someone* cleared the mountain of snow from atop my car after the DC Snowpocolyse this weekend.

We got nearly two feet of snow. It literally snowed for more than 24 hours straight. I watched from my window as my car disappeared beneath the snow, and I began to wish I still lived in a former apartment building where an overly friendly neighbor routinely cleared snow from my car.

As it snowed, I realized I'd be clearing the snow myself this time -- or so I thought. When I looked out the window again at nearly 10 a.m. on Sunday morning, my mouth dropped: My car had NO snow on it. I rushed outside to ask the few people out shoveling if they knew who had been nice enough to clean my car off. No one knew. It was an angel, I surmised, and I thank him or her wholeheartedly.

I still had work to do, though. The plow had my car trapped something awful with snow piled as high as its hood, and it took an hour's worth of shoveling just to dig myself out. And you know how I hate manual labor.

Still, I knew someone had done me a huge favor, so when I heard a friend needed a shovel to dig her own car out, I headed to her place next to help her dig out.

About an hour later, her car was freed and I headed home ... To rest my aching back.

TALK BACK: Were you snowed in this weekend? What did you do to pass the time?

Holiday Gift Giving for the Man in Your Life

2009-12-15T20:00:00.006-05:00

It's been a long while since there was a guy around who I actually wanted to buy a Christmas gift for.

Handsome Honey has changed that. We've been seeing each other just over a month, and not getting him something just doesn't feel right.

Nearly two weeks ago, HH surprised me with a very cute pair of nice heels. Not stripper heels, not ugly shoes, but fly heels that I know I'll rock. He has great taste! I'm not sure if the shoes are my Christmas gift, or if something else is coming, but either way, I know he deserves a good gift.

Thus the search began in my mind for the right Christmas gift. What could I get him without doing too much, given that we haven't been seeing each other that long? I wanted my gift to be thoughtful, but not overdone. And I didn't want to get him something useless, since he seems to have everything he might want/need already.

So I settled on two things: a bottle of his favorite cologne and a giftcard from Home Depot. Why? Because HH is in the midst of a major home renovation, so a giftcard to a home improvement store is something I know he'll appreciate and will put to good use.

It feels good to actually want to buy a guy a gift. And knowing it's something he'll enjoy is a bonus.

TALK BACK: What are you getting for Christmas for the man in your life? How did you settle on that gift?

This Text Message Won't Help You Get the Girl

2009-12-15T10:35:00.002-05:00

If you're a guy who likes me, thinks you might like me, or have any interest in me whatsoever, sending me the following text message is probably a bad idea:

"If a fat man snatches u up & throws u in a bag, don't be afraid. It's just Santa collecting his hoes for Christmas. I'm texting you from the bag."

That's a message I received from Mr. Serious at about 9 a.m. on Saturday morning, the first I'd heard from him since Thanksgiving. A few seconds later, he sent another text: "Hello! Good morning!"

Really, dude?

Still recovering from my recent swine flu attack, I was easily annoyed by Mr. Serious's text. He interrupted my much needed bed rest for that?

Still, I guess it's not surprising for a guy whose Thanksgiving greeting to me (by text, of course, because they always text) was, "Happy Thanksgiving and shit." Classy, ain't he?

If I expressed my dismay at these messages to him directly, he would say I'm being stuck up, I'm sure. So rather than rock the boat, I just didn't reply at all to the Santa message he sent on Saturday. I mean seriously, WTF?!?

Now, don't get me wrong -- I think I have a good sense of humor. In fact, a guy who makes me laugh is one of the qualities I look for in men I date. But you also need to respect me. Mr. Serious clearly didn't think of that before he hit the send button.

TALK BACK: Has a guy ever sent you a text that was a total dealbreaker? What did it say?

Could Your 'Homepage' Face Scare Away Your Dream Guy?

2009-12-14T13:25:00.002-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Sometimes to amuse myself, I like to look at people's faces and wonder, or even make up, what might be on their minds.

I do it on the sneak tip, and I try not to linger. But I can't help but be interested in the way people "hold" their face when they are just going about their daily lives, not talking to anyone, just living while no one is noticing-- or so they think.

I call it the "homepage face." Simply put, it's just that general face you wear when you aren't running your mouth and more often than not the one you wear when you are all alone in public. You aren't smiling, yet you aren't scowling. You're just at, well, your homepage. It may be even better to call it a facial screensaver, because you pop right out of it when someone addresses you.

Anyway, I've read that when it comes to dating or even in your professional life, what your face looks like when you think people aren't looking can say a lot about you and whether or not you are the kind of person folks want to deal with.

Even the annoying guy in the street who passes you saying, "Smile," might actually have a point. Sometimes.

When trying to get from point A to point B, we tend to put on a protective "don't approach me" face to rid ourselves of Mr. Undesirable-Pushy-Street guy. But are we possibly eliminating the kind of men we actually want in the process? Have you ever considered that Mr. Right might have been steps away, noticed you, got interested, but changed his mind once he observed your frosty encounter with Mr. Undesirable?

It's not far-fetched. I have close male friends (solid catches in their own rights), who say they tend to wait it out and observe a woman for a little while before they approach. If she's got a permanent stank grill, they immediately abort mission, regardless of how beautiful she is.

One day, I was walking down the street on my lunch break. I had on a great work-appropriate outfit, which accented my legs (heeeey) and for some reason, I couldn't ignore what a gorgeous day it was. The warmth of the sun, the flowers and the stately buildings surrounding me were commanding me to take notice and appreciate their beauty.

TIMEOUT: It sounds sappy, but I was especially appreciative of that moment because at the time, misery was a regular companion. I was questioning myself workwise, and I had recently ended a rough relationship. TIME IN.

So, I walked into a fast food restaurant and ordered my lunch. I was patient and smiled and grabbed my food when it was my turn and rolled out. Now, I wasn't smiling like some idiot or skipping, but I was just naturally feeling pleasant. Apparently, my homepage reflected that.

I was taking the long way back to the office when a handsome, well-dressed man ran up behind me, begging my pardon. He startled me, but I stopped and noticed he was actually cute!

He gave the, "I'm not a stalker," disclaimer and told me he noticed me moments ago while standing in line ordering his food, too. (Well dressed, lunch break=has a job. Whoo hoo!) Then he apologized for sounding corny, but he said it seemed like I had some kind of glow. He continued that it was rather unusual to see a busy, professional woman seem so pleasant in the midst of a hungry mob and it didn't seem forced or fake. At first he said that he thought there was no way I could be that happy, but after watching me awhile, he had to meet me and see what I was really about.

Like my male friends, he obviously watched me for a good while to see if the stereotypical stank grill would surface. He was sizing me up once he realized he was physically attracted and followed up with observing how I carried myself.

I wasn't impatiently patting my foot, or huffing and puffing, or angrily looking at my watch or yacking on a cell phone or texting in line. I cracked a smile when placing and picking up my order, but still managed to not go to the default stank homepage face when I walked out.

He was an engineer, never been married, no kids and ran marathons. A good catch. I just wasn't ready for anything at the time.

TALK BACK: Do you unconsciously keep a stank face when going about your daily business? And is it possible that your "homepage" face could scare away the men you actually want?

The Representative Has Left the Building

2009-12-10T14:19:00.003-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

Comedian Chris Rock once said that when we are initially dating, we are not our real selves, but instead we send our "representatives" out on the dates for us. This representative is kind of like the person we become on a job interview-- just with a lower cut blouse and higher heels--who help to make us look and sound good to help us seal the deal. (But at least on a date you can have a cocktail to calm your nerves.)

I know of people who are transitioning from their representatives to their real selves, and it's not only been a revelation to the people these folks are dating, but it's been a revelation of self when the mask comes off.

If you are fortunate enough to find someone special enough to let down your guard, it can be both a great relief, yet extremely scary. You've put in the work, you've snatched up the person of your dreams, the representative has done her job and now that she's left, it's just you and him. For real. So he knows that sometimes you are terribly forgetful or that you always leave the cap off of the toothpaste, and eek, he even knows you own a couple pairs of granny panties.

So my question is... are we liars out the gate? And do we adjust our bad habits or try to hide them according to the likes and dislikes of the people we like, in order to get them to stay?

I know women who started cooking more often because a guy they liked loved a home-cooked meal. But during a usual week, hidden cameras would probably catch them eating out breakfast, lunch and dinner, five out of seven days in the week.

"But I don't want him to think I'm not wife material," she says, trying to keep up the lie.

I know men who aren't necessarily neat freaks and don't mind clutter as long as it's not pizza boxes and beer bottles piling up throughout the house, who find themselves scrambling to powerwash their entire homes because a neat freak gal they are interested in is stopping by in an hour to watch a movie.

"I don't want her to think I'm nasty," he says.

The prevailing theme in all these examples is fear. Folks are afraid of their faults, and folks are afraid that the people they've worked so hard to get to see them in a really great light will realize the gig is up, you are a fraud, leading them to walk out of your life forever. But a good question is, did these two misrepresent themselves in the first place? Or are they trying to adjust to what their significant other likes?

I don't like smoking.

But I even dated a smoker once who declined to share upfront that he was a smoker. He kept up the facade for a couple months before I confronted him about the pack of cigarettes I found in his car. Then he assured me that he only smoked when he went out for a drink or after a meal. I continued to date that person for a long time (I really liked him), yet I reminded him every so often (trying not to nag) about how smoking is a nasty, unhealthy habit, and I hoped he would give it up one day soon. To his credit, he constantly kept mints on hand, and he never smoked around me. Obviously, he wanted to keep me. So I see how the other side works, too.

Believe it or not, smoking didn't end that relationship. Even though I didn't like his smoking, I liked him more. And he liked me enough to smoke on his porch when I visited (even in the winter). So was it fair of me to want him to quit? Was it fair of him to fight his urge after we've had a nice meal out, knowing he's trying to get through dessert while jonsing for a cig? Or were we both just making "reasonable" sacrifices to make it work?

TALK BACK: Will individual bad habits (we aren't talking drug abuse, porn addiction or other obvious bad, bad stuff here) eventually break a relationship? Or can people find a compromise? In other words, if you know it's something your partner struggles with, will you try to work past it as long as you see some effort on his end?

Deciding When to Have Sex With a New Guy

2009-12-05T19:28:00.005-05:00

You're seeing a new guy and you hit it off really well. Soon, you're facing the age-old question: Is it too soon to have sex with him?

If you listen to comedian/self-proclaimed relationship expert Steve Harvey, a 90-day rule is the best approach. Give the guy a probationary period, Harvey advises in his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Joan on the TV show Girlfriends had a similar rule--no sex before the three-month mark.

And on the VH1 reality show, Tough Love, last week--a show about teaching perpetually single women skills to help them develop healthy dating relationships--there was a brief discussion of how quickly to have sex with men you're dating. One contestant said she usually has sex by/on the first date. Not a good move, advised Tough Love host/matchmaker Steven Ward.

I asked three guys about this topic--one single, one engaged, and one married man. The overall consensus? Men know after a conversation or two whether a woman is, in their eyes, girlfriend material or a potential jumpoff. And there's not much, if anything, that a woman can do to change that.

Wow, ladies, definitely something to keep in mind.

Engaged Guy says, "It's always going to come down to who a woman actually is and how she carries herself." In other words, the guy feels you out and knows whether you have the potential to be his girlfriend before you even know he's doing it. (READ: So don't waste your time on a guy who is just not that into you.)

Single Guy says that a woman who has sex very early on after meeting a man could still be girlfriend material. And, he says, the quality of sex matters, too. "The girl could be boring in bed," he says, "and that could ruin everything." (READ: So make sure that when you do have sex that you're actually into it--because if you're not, the guy may lose interest anyway.)

Married Guy says he's in favor of some sort of timetable--a 30-, 60-, or 90-day rule. "I think guys lose interest sometimes the earlier it happens," he says. (READ: So play it by ear. Your mileage may vary.)

Another issue I've heard guys complain about is women who tease. So if you're not ready to have sex with a guy, they'd prefer you just say no. Don't get his engine revved up and then back out. One guy told me that he gets annoyed enough by such flip flopping that he's stopped dating women because of it.

As for me, I don't have a "rule" that governs when/if I'll have sex with a man. I trust my instincts, my mind and my gut instead.

TALK BACK: Do you think there is a such thing as having sex with a man too soon? Do you have a "rule" that dictates when you'll have sex?

Why This Picky Lady is Glad I Tried Online Dating

2009-12-01T20:26:00.005-05:00

Friends who know me well know that I'm a little picky... OK, maybe a LOT picky.

I don't have a checklist of requirements for Mr. FabFem. But I do know what I like, and more importantly, what I don't like. I like tall guys, not short ones. I like guys with a little edge, but not so much that they're thugs. I like guys with careers, not just a job. A sense of humor, a car and his own roof over his head are a must. Any man who wants to be in my life must at least tolerate my little dog, and he has to want kids. It's OK if he already has a child, but more than one is pushing it. He should dress for the occasion and keep himself looking clean, put together and nice. Pretty teeth, fresh breath, and nice shoes are much appreciated. He should be caring, supportive, family oriented, and confident (maybe even a little cocky). And he can't be possessive or scary or crazy.

So with all of those requirements, many guys get ruled out quickly. But somehow, Handsome Honey is meeting all of them. He's 6'1 with a sexy bald head, a career, a pretty smile, the ability to make me laugh, a house, a nice car, and no kids. He plays with my little poodle, who seems to like him, too (a far cry from Cutie With Attitude, who suggested I get rid of my dog because he doesn't like animals. Ha, not gonna happen). So I'm not complaining... so far. It's still very early, so let's hope it stays that way.

I met Handsome Honey via eHarmony a couple of weeks ago now. We see each other a few times a week. And oddly, I don't even mind hanging out in the house with him on occasion, watching TV or playing Guitar Hero. Strange, because you know that's my pet peeve when it comes to these other random dudes who I wasn't feeling like that.

After meeting Handsome Honey on the cusp of deciding whether to give up online dating, I ultimately decided to take a break after a month of paid membership on eHarmony. But I didn't cancel my subscription because I hated it. On the contrary, I'd say it was worthwhile.

In fact, I think there may be something to eHarmony's claim that it matches you with people with compatible personalities. What else can explain the 7-hour phone conversation Handsome Honey and I had on the very first day we talked? (Yes, I said *seven* hours straight. Crazy, right?) Or the fact that we spent hours together on the first day we met in person? Or that we find each other finishing each other's sentences because we think so much alike?

It's funny to say that now because I was so hesitant to try online dating in the first place. Remember that?

But I gave in, and I'm glad I tried it. I met a crazy (Weed Smoker), a weirdo (E-mail Man) and a loser (Southern Gentleman). But I also met Handsome Honey.

So, um....why didn't someone put me onto this online dating thing a little sooner?

TALK BACK: Are you a picky dater? What is on your list of requirements?

Exes Who Reappear During the Holidays

2009-11-29T17:00:00.004-05:00

Every Thanksgiving and Christmas, without fail, I hear from a few exes. That includes the more official exes who were my boyfriends or damn near it, as well as the guys who never made the cut but thought they'd put in a good effort.

On Thanksgiving this year, I received text messages from four guys from my past, wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving, inquiring about my well being, wanting to know if I was celebrating with my family. I replied to them all, but not until late that night. And my answer was simple: "Thanks. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too." After all, no need to imply I wanted to continue the conversation.

The guys who texted me are men you've read about here before: Super Texter, Prince Charming, Mr. Serious, and Cutie With Attitude. Each one offered some variation of the following: "Thinking of you and your family today. Hope you're having a Happy Thankgiving."

Seems harmless, I guess, but it's just so funny to me. For years, Biggest Dog Ever called or texted on the holidays, until he finally got a clue and stopped.

I have to wonder why these guys even bother. Is it an effort to remain on my mind--even if it's only once or twice a year? Is it a twinge of guilt at letting a good one slip away? Is it the hope that one text message might lead to a phone call or maybe more?

Or are they just being friendly, showing they still care? Who knows. These are all guys who I've decided to cut off for one reason or another, and I intend to keep it that way.

TALK BACK: Do you usually hear from your exes during the holiday season? If so, how do you respond?

Meeting Your Man's Single Mama on Turkey Day

2009-11-24T16:58:00.005-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

My good friend is all nerves and inhaling into a brown paper bag right now. After a real long and tumultuous run as far as relationships are concerned, my friend has finally hit the jackpot. And ironically, while FabFem has been recently talking about the jungle that is online dating, computer love actually did work out in my friend's favor.

So far, my friend--who I'll call Southern Belle--has been on a whirlwind romance with her new beau, who I'll call Mr. Checklist (good job-check, nice car-check, has his own spot, no kids.. you get the idea). They've been going out to restaurants, spending quiet evenings and weekends together, and he was her lone moving man when she moved last month as well. He goes out of his way to surprise her with little gifts to show he cares, and he helps her run errands. He also has no problem telling her just how much she means to him and how he can totally see a future with her.

Naturally a man this smitten was raised right, and naturally a man who knows how to make a woman float around the city as if she's wearing Jimmy Choos made of cotton candy has to have a close, healthy relationship with his mama. So, of course he wants his two favorite women to meet. And meet they will on Thanksgiving.

I've already assured my friend that (1) her warm personality alone is going to win over Mama Checklist. (2) She's a fantastic cook, all she has to do is let Mama Checklist sample some of her food, and it will put Mama Checklist at ease to know this lovely girl can actually make her son a good meal. (3) Let's be real. If you are a real mother who loves her son, the fact that he's so into her and happy should make you happy. SHOULD.

So here's the caveat.

Some folks have said in the past that when meeting Mom, you ESPECIALLY have your work cut out for you if:

He's an only child
He's an only son

I also heard the situation is further amplified if, as in the case with Mr. Checklist, he's an only boy child to a single mother. It's no secret that these relationships can be super tight because both the mother and the son have often depended on one another over the years, and they've seen each other through some really tough times.

Successful sons of single moms often work their hardest to make them happy and feel a proud obligation to help them out as much as they can now that they're grown men. It completely makes sense. I mean, even the most seemingly meanest, toughest rappers who talk about hoes and bitches also rhyme about putting their mothers in mansions and "designer fabrics" once they've made it big. Childhood memories of mama struggling to make ends meet are hard to shake. So I say men who take care of mama, without falling into chronic mama's boy syndrome, are worthy of Shakespearean sonnets being written in their honor.

TALK BACK: What are some good tips for Southern Belle to help her shake those nerves before Turkey Day? And are single mothers with sons really harder to impress, or is that just an urban relationship myth?

Why Prince Charming is Gone After Three Strikes

2009-11-24T00:23:00.004-05:00

It turns out my Prince Charming is a toad.

It's a little disappointing because I was such a PC fan. He was sexy, he was cool, he was charming, and he showed up right on time--at my birthday party this year.

PC appeared at the table where my friends and I were sitting that night and asked what each of us were drinking. He and his friend bought all of our drinks (and I had a large group of friends) and delivered them to us on trays. He and I danced all night. I had a ball.

We exchanged phone numbers and called and texted each other. But soon, I began to suspect that PC was married, engaged or had a girlfriend. He met several of my criteria, such as mostly calling when he was in transit and taking a long time to respond to text messages and phone calls (and coming up with lame excuses for the delay). Eventually I told him about my suspicion. To prove me wrong, he called me when he got home a couple of nights rather than calling me when he was driving.

Hmmmm. Nice try, but not quite good enough.

PC asked me out twice during the month of October. Both times we talked the day before we were supposed to go out. But when the day of our scheduled date arrived, PC disappeared. No call, no text, no nothing. The first time it happened, I think he called a few days later, and I honestly don't recall what his excuse was. The second time, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him for over a week.

That is, until he sent me a text message in early November, asking if I was going to the same party I'd seen him at the month before. I was already planning to go with friends, so I responded to his text to tell him so. That was the night of the PDA. And again, PC and his friend bought drinks for my friends and me all night.

Things seemed temporarily promising. PC started calling and texting daily after that. We planned another date. I told him that since he'd flaked twice already, it'd be nice if he came through this time. But that day arrived, and this time, PC texted me at about 4:30 p.m. (we were supposed to have dinner that evening) to tell me that he wouldn't be able to make it.

He didn't offer a reason, just said he had "responsibilities." I told him that three chances for a date was all he'd get with me, so there wouldn't be any more opportunities. He said something lame in response, something to the effect of he understood and maybe we're better off as friends.

Like I said, this dude is married/engaged/otherwise taken. I'm convinced of it.

My friends asked if I was certain I wanted to cut him off, that maybe it's worth it to hang in there, feign interest, just to get more free drinks.

But honestly, the free drinks don't mean as much to me as my pride and self respect. So, PC, thanks for helping to make my birthday a great one. Deuces.

TALK BACK: How many chances do you give a guy before cutting him off for good?

Yes, I'm Still Single. Can You Please Pass the Turkey?

2009-11-23T09:55:00.004-05:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

When you're fly and fabulous, the holiday season can be a really great time. You can fill your face with your favorite foods without the usual guilt and get an adrenaline rush by jockeying for position with other shopaholics on Black Friday.

And most importantly, you can catch up with family and friends.

But there's always a series of questions that come up during holiday family functions that anyone single and older than 25 absolutely dreads.

"So, you're not married yet?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No kids?"

I've got older relatives already phoning in these questions. My mother's cousin shamelessly admitted that she's dying for her two sons, ages 33 and 40, to have children-- even if it means it's out of wedlock. She further admitted that her sons had to call her out on her obsession. They assured her that she'd rather have them procreate with good women worthy of actually being their wives, her old age be damned.

Now, the only possible reason I could come up with for a usually moral, sweet woman who is protective of her "boys" to go temporarily nuts and have such madness come out of her mouth was that it had to be attributed to the fact that last year, she had open heart surgery and even had a tumor taken out of said heart. So since she may be struggling with her mortality these days, I'm going to let it slide.

But still, I totally agree with her sons. I also extend kudos to my cousins for helping her grab a hold of reality real quick to squash that silly talk.

Let's be clear. My cousins are 40 and 33, so yeah, they either need to get on finding that wife, or throw in the towel altogether-- especially the 40-year-old. But as I joked with their mom, men can make a kid when they are 50, 60, 70 and 80. But I get it, I get it, she wants to actually live to see it.

So naturally, she turns the question to me, and I tell her that I'm in the sweet spot age of the late 20s, so I'm not trippin. Then, after taking a deep breath, I explained that I am not yet married, and I have no kids, but I absolutely love my life right now, sans the kids and husband. I'm loving my freedom and I'm taking advantage of it while I can. I continued by saying that I totally look forward to being a mom, but finding the right partner to do this with, as her sons pointed out, was no easy task these days. I told her that I do remain hopeful, but right now, my life is just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. whooo! (Shout out to Mary J!)

TALK BACK: How do you respond when relatives or other well-meaning folks grill you about your marital and/or kid status, especially during the holidays?

5 Online Dating Don'ts for Men

2009-11-20T12:26:00.003-05:00

When it comes to online dating, your profile is the sole representation of who you are in a potential mate's eyes. If she doesn't like what she sees, she can ignore you or stop communication altogether.

So for the fellas, here is what NOT to do on your online dating profile:

1. Don't post groupie photos with rappers or celebrities. As a grownup, it's not cool to post a picture of when you met the rapper T.I. I know you're excited, but I don't care, and it makes you look pressed.

2. Don't post a picture of you in front of the Remy Martin graffiti background at the club...especially if you're 36. This is a true story. And this guy's second (and only other photo) was him at the club dancing, throwing his hands up in the air. Enough said.

3. Don't list yourself as a rapper/musician/producer under the category for "profession." I understand if music is your hobby, but do you have a day job? Please list the job that is your primary source of income.

4. Don't post half-naked bathroom mirror cellphone photos. This is not cute. Seriously. Put some clothes on and stop taking pictures in your bathroom. And this applies whether you have a nice body or a whack one. Please leave something to the imagination.

5. Don't only include photos of yourself wearing white T-shirts, wife beaters, sagging pants or hoodies. If I only see pictures of you wearing the aforementioned clothing, I'm inclined to think that you don't own other types of clothes. I'm not saying you have to wear a suit, but what do you wear when you're going someplace casual but nice? If the answer is a white Tee, please grow up.

TALK BACK: What would you add to my list of online dating don'ts for men?

Why I May Hang Up My Online Dating Hat

2009-11-20T11:24:00.007-05:00

Nearly a month ago, I decided to give online dating a try. It couldn't hurt, I figured, and it seemed everyone had tried it except me.

And now, nearly a month into my eHarmony subscription, I can say it was worthwhile. But I'm not sure I'm going to renew my membership. I said going into this that I'd give it a shot for a month or two, and I intend to stick to that plan.

In my 3.5 weeks of membership, I had one boring date who deleted me as a friend on Facebook because I wouldn't go to his house, one Weed Smoker who stalked me by text for a few days, and one guy who prefers e-mail over phone conversations (he still hasn't called me).

And last but definitely not least, I had one *great* date that occurred just yesterday, so eHarmony definitely got something right. I was matched with this guy a few days ago, and I thought he was cute, so I sent him an "icebreaker" (a short note that says something like, "Love your smile!") He initiated communication with me when he got my message. We went through the guided communication process within a day or so, and two days ago, we talked on the phone for SEVEN hours. Don't ask me what all we talked about. I don't know. Seems we talked about everything.

Me and this guy, we'll call him Handsome Honey, met up for a late lunch yesterday, and we spent hours together. I was especially impressed early on that when he was running a little bit late, he texted me to let me know. When I didn't reply to his text (I hadn't seen it yet), he called me to make sure I got the message. Why don't other men (*clearing my throat* -- like Super Texter) understand this sort of common courtesy? Handsome Honey has definite potential.

Still, even though I had one good match on eHarmony, I don't know if I want to continue my subscription right now. Quite frankly, online dating is a lot of work. I've heard people say they barely ever get new eHarmony matches, but for some reason, I get five or six new matches every day. I simply don't have the time to thoroughly look at them all. My inbox has 70-plus open matches right now. I think I need an eHarmony break.

TALK BACK: Do you find online dating to be overwhelming at times?

Is It Ever OK to Date Your Ex's Friend?

2009-11-18T01:27:00.013-05:00

I used to have a hard and fast rule: If I dated a guy, I'd never date his friend. Never, ever, ever in life. Wasn't going to happen. How dare the friend even try to holla.

But then one day, I found myself in a strange predicament. I dated a guy--we'll call him The Player--who was pretty much a jerk. He tended to talk down to women, and on top of that, he was a whore. He was not my boyfriend--so I use the term, "ex," loosely--but I did date him on and off for less than a year. On two separate occasions during that time period, two of The Player's friends told me that I was too good for him and then they each tried to holla at me. One was his best friend (I shot him down immediately). The other was a guy I'll call Mr. Serious.

I met Mr. Serious while out at a nightclub with a couple of my friends and The Player. At the end of the night, the guys offered to give me a ride to my car so I didn't have to walk by myself.

But here's the thing: The Player disappeared as we were walking to the car, and he wouldn't answer his cellphone. He left me alone with his two friends, who I'd just met that night. I assume that The Player went home with another woman that evening because he would not answer his cellphone when I tried to call to tell him that his friend, Mr. Serious, was trying to holla.

It was quite some time later, perhaps a year or so (when The Player and I were long since over), before Mr. Serious and I started seeing each other. But Mr. Serious is way into his job, like in a working from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. kinda way. He is usually so tired that he's hard to be around at times. So things did not work out for us.

Then I saw him again this weekend, and now he's trying to holla again, in a very direct, no-holds-barred type of way.

He's hitting me with talk of wanting to be with me on a serious tip. He's asking me to give him another chance. Usually, I'd think he's full of it and would dismiss him without hesitation. But this is a guy who took care of me after I had surgery earlier this year (the last time we were dating). And even though he's a workaholic, he took off work to take me to a doctor's appointment that I couldn't drive myself to. Now you know that's saying a lot for a guy who barely leaves the office.

I am hesitant, though, but it's no longer because of The Player. It's because Mr. Serious is an over-the-top workaholic, and I'm not sure I can deal with that. Under most circumstances, I'd be fine with a man who works hard, but if you take your fatigue and stress out on me, it's a different story.

Still, it seems strange to me that the fact that I once dated The Player no longer seems to matter in my eyes when it comes to Mr. Serious. A male friend says that Mr. Serious broke "man code" by trying to talk to me, so he doesn't trust him. But I guess that just isn't a big deal to me. Maybe it's because it's been at least two years since The Player and I were involved. Or perhaps it's because The Player is such a dog that he just has no relevance in my life in a romantic way any longer. We're cool as friends, but that's about it. The question is: Should I give Mr. Serious a real chance?

TALK BACK: Is it ever OK to date your ex's friend? Please vote in the poll!

A New Pet Peeve: The Guy Who Only E-mails

2009-11-13T11:01:00.005-05:00

I think I discovered something worse than the man who texts more often than he calls--a guy who won't text or call. Instead, he prefers e-mail.

WTF.

This is the first I've encountered this phenomenon, and it came to me courtesy of eHarmony. A guy, we'll call him E-mail Man, wants me to meet him for a date. But here's the thing: I really don't want to meet anyone from eHarmony in person who I haven't had a real, live conversation on the phone with first. So I sent him my phone number over a week ago. And instead of calling, he keeps writing me via eHarmony's in-house e-mail system. Yesterday, he sent me a message giving me his personal e-mail address after I suggested that he call me before we meet in person.

I'm really so over him. Seriously.

What is so hard about picking up the phone? I'm not saying it has to be a long conversation, but I very well might hate him, and I'd like to know that before I put effort into going to meet him in person.

It would be one thing if I'd actually met this guy in person in the first place. But he comes from the anonymous world of online dating, so I want a phone conversation prior to us meeting in person. But after sending him my phone number over a week ago, and mentioning again that I think we should talk on the phone before going on a date--and then having him ignore me, sending me his e-mail address instead--I'm really just so done.

I think I will probably end up not going on a date with him, simply because we barely communicated via eHarmony, except for him to ask me out. I can only hope he'll get a clue and pick up the phone.

TALK BACK: Would you go on a date with someone you met online but you've never spoken with on the phone?

Watch Out for the Multi-State Man

2009-11-10T10:32:00.009-05:00

Men who have women in multiple states seem to like me. It's the reason why I can so easily rattle off a list of signs to look for in men who are cheating on their girlfriends or wives.

Last night, I went to dinner with Fighter Pilot, a guy who I dated for about four or five months last year until he moved to Texas. I knew the move was coming. He was getting out of the military and planned to take a job in Texas. Meanwhile, he started a grad school program that September that took him to Texas about twice a month. That's when things got a little murky.

You see, when Fighter Pilot was in Texas, his phone calls became sporadic, and he was hard to reach. My blunt questions about whether he had a woman in Texas were met with a resounding, "No," numerous times.

But my gut told me he did have a woman in Texas, so by the time he moved, I'd largely distanced myself from him. He called occasionally after he moved and would text to check up on me, too. Then, yesterday, when Fighter Pilot was back in my town for business, he asked me to dinner. I agreed to go.

And all seemed fine. That is, until Fighter Pilot moved over to my booth, put his arm around me, attempted to cozy up to me and tried to kiss me (I wouldn't let him). Somehow, he admitted while sitting next to me that he has a girlfriend in Texas who he met before he moved there (meaning he met her while he was still dating me).

My response? "How would your girlfriend feel about you trying to kiss me?"
Him: "That doesn't matter. You look really good. I missed you." Blah, blah, blah.

I grabbed my jacket and told him I was leaving before the check even arrived. "Thanks for dinner, take care and I wish you well," I said as I walked out without looking back. (But no worries, I did finish my steak dinner and had a couple of drinks before I left.)

Unfortunately, this isn't my first experience with a guy who was dating me in one state and someone else in another. A guy who I dated for four years--we'll call him Biggest Dog Ever (BDE for short)--was dating me here and also had a fiancee--yes I said, fiancee--in Richmond, Va. His fiancee was his high school sweetheart. She had some inkling that I existed and I had the same inkling about her, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in Richmond one day and went to visit her. I told him I was going to see her beforehand, and he said he didn't care.

"Let the chips fall where they may," he said.

And fall they did. BDE's fiancee--who is now his wife--and I had a cordial conversation that confirmed he'd been playing us both. I cut him off afterwards; she didn't. They now have two kids, and they got married when she was pregnant with their second child. It would probably make her sick to know that BDE still contacts me every year on my birthday and usually on Christmas and/or Thanksgiving, too.

BDE also admits to stalking my Facebook and MySpace pages, even though he's not my friend on either site and can only see the main picture. That doesn't matter, he says, because he just wants to see how I look these days and know that I am OK. He claims he's in love with two women. Whatever, dude.

As far as I'm concerned, both BDE and Fighter Pilot can take a hike. I'm so tired of these sorry dudes, who reappear when they feel like it and are never totally honest about anything.

TALK BACK: What is the worst experience you've ever had with a cheater?

How I Gave In to Public Displays of Affection

2009-11-09T11:55:00.003-05:00

I usually hate public displays of affection. I don't like to see other people kissing or being overly affectionate in public. And I used to hate it when guys were overly affectionate with me in public.

Notice I said, used to. That changed this weekend when I saw Prince Charming--a guy who I met in early October--for the first time since we initially met. We talked on the phone regularly for a while but never managed to make a date happen. For the last week or so leading up to this past weekend, I hadn't spoken to him at all.

On Saturday morning, Prince Charming texted me to tell me that he was planning to go to a party that night, and it just so happened that I'd already planned to attend the same party with friends. When my friend and I walked into the party, we saw Prince Charming and his friend almost immediately. We sat with them, drank, laughed, danced and just generally had a great time.

And then Prince Charming kissed me. And I swear, for a moment, I forgot where I was--at a crowded party, in a room full of people, sitting right next to our friends. So when he kissed me a few more times, I made no attempt to stop him. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it's just that I think Prince Charming is sexy as hell.

That got me to thinking. Do we have different rules for different men? When I told my cousin about what happened on Saturday, she said, "It takes the right person to bring the freak out in anyone."

And maybe she's right. Perhaps, at age 29, I just hadn't met someone who made me want to be affectionate in public.

Or, maybe it was the alcohol after all.

Or maybe not. Even when I was totally sober the next day, I didn't feel bad at all. And I'd do it again.

TALK BACK: How do you feel about public displays of affection?

Why I Don't Do Sexy Camera Phone Pictures

2009-11-07T00:56:00.012-05:00

One of my pet peeves, as you know, is guys who text more often than they call. Here's another: Guys who ask me to send them sexy camera phone pictures but rarely make an effort to see me in person.

I just don't get it. You live close to me, and hardly see me, yet you think I'm going to take pictures of myself--perhaps of my shoes (for the guys with foot fetishes), or worse, my butt -- for your cellphone enjoyment?

You really must be kidding me.

Cutie With Attitude regularly asked me to send him pictures of my butt or whatever shoes I was wearing that day (he had a serious fetish for high heels). And he would cop an attitude when I said no--and I always said no. This guy lived about 20 minutes from me but barely saw me once a month. Yet I was supposed to send him photos whenever he requested them? I don't think so.

For women who might be tempted to take and send revealing photos by cellphone, consider pictures said to be of singer Rihanna--which depict a woman nearly naked, holding a camera phone (WARNING: The previous link includes photos that contain some nudity and are not appropriate for viewing at work) that turned up online a few months ago. I never heard how or from where these photos were leaked, or if it was confirmed to be Rihanna in the pictures. I was disappointed that Diane Sawyer did not ask Rihanna about the leaked pictures in her 20/20 interview about the singer's relationship with Chris Brown (who was also in at least one photo), with whom she was in a two-year relationship until a domestic violence incident earlier this year.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think taking pictures is all bad. I am not at all shy, and I love the camera. I smile and even have a certain pose that I'm teased about because I usually tilt my head slightly to the left in photos. Still, that doesn't mean that I'm willing to send guys who rarely make an effort to see me random cellphone pictures of myself--especially not revealing ones.

I've heard of people in long-distance relationships who exchange sexy photos in order to keep the "spark" alive. If I were in that situation, I probably would be willing to send a camera phone photo every now and then. But it wouldn't be anything that could come back to haunt me, as Rihanna's pictures apparently did.

Call me reserved, but I'm just not into sexy camera phone pictures. So I really wish guys would stop asking.

TALK BACK: How do you feel about sending sexy camera phone pictures to someone you're dating?

How I Lost a Facebook Friend Because I Won't Go to His House

2009-11-03T00:02:00.009-05:00

Southern Gentleman--the first guy I went out with from eHarmony--deleted me as a friend on Facebook yesterday, after I said I wasn't comfortable coming to his house to watch movies because we've only been out on one date.

I guess he wasn't such a gentleman after all.

Now, y'all know how I hate it when guys just want to lay up in the house. Still, I tried to soften the blow. He texted me earlier yesterday saying he'd like to see me again. I said, "That sounds good. What do you have in mind?"

A couple of hours later, he replied to say he was thinking we could have drinks but that he also wanted me to come to his house to watch movies--if I was comfortable with that.

Well, I am not comfortable with going to a guy's house who I (A) met on the Internet, (B) have only known a week (and I say that loosely since I didn't meet him in person until this weekend), and (C) have only gone on one date with, and that was just this past weekend.

So I replied to his message with the following: "That's sweet. I would be more comfortable if we went out again first. I'm not afraid of you or anything. It's just a comfort thing for me."

Notice that I did NOT say, "Look fool, I don't know you like that, and I sure ain't coming to your house!" But you can bet that's kinda what I was thinking.

So imagine my surprise when I noticed a short while later that we were no longer Facebook friends. (Background: Southern Gentleman sent me a request to become Facebook friends last week as the next step after we communicated via eHarmony.) He also hadn't responded to my text message. After an hour passed, I was so shocked that this dude had actually deleted me because of this that I decided to call him to see if he'd fess up.

I ended up getting his voicemail, so I left a nice message, saying that I hoped I hadn't offended him in some way that caused him to delete me as a friend. Now, let me be clear: My feelings were not hurt. I just wanted to see if he'd own up to deleting me because I don't want to lay up in his house. A short time letter, I got a text from him. (Side note: I *hate* it when guys respond to a phone call with a text message. Whack.) His text said: "I'm not offended. I deleted you by mistake. My bad. Sure we can meet out again before you come over."

I deleted you by mistake? Does that actually happen? As one friend pointed out, it takes quite a bit of effort to delete a friend on Facebook.

TALK BACK: Would you buy it if someone told you that he/she deleted you as a Facebook friend by mistake?

Adventures In Online Dating: Beware of Liars

2009-11-02T14:25:00.008-05:00

Public Service Announcement: Be honest on your online dating profiles because your potential matches will eventually discover that you lied. And they probably won't be happy about it.

I'm talking about people who tell big lies about their height or their jobs, for example. And I have a new pet peeve: If you smoke--and I mean if you smoke anything--do not answer "no" or "never" for the question about whether you're a smoker. Smoking weed is smoking, dammit. Please don't waste my time.

One guy who I spoke to on the phone after signing up for online dating--we'll appropriately call him Weed Smoker--is 39 years old and told me that he regularly smokes weed. After getting off the phone with him, I looked at his eHarmony profile again. Under the "Smokes" question, he listed, "Never."

WTF. Why lie?

Probably because he knows that many women don't like smokers and that he would get "closed" immediately when they discovered he still gets high. Or maybe it's because he doesn't think weed smoking qualifies as being a "smoker."

But he's wrong.

He, like most guys I know who smoke weed, says he doesn't do it every day--but he does smoke weekly at least, essentially whenever the mood strikes him. But I've reached the point in the my life where how infrequently someone smokes doesn't matter. I'm asthmatic and have severe allergies and sinus problems, and I don't fool with smokers of any kind -- Period. Plus, I want to have kids eventually and I don't want to worry about whether Daddy is high when he picks them up from daycare.

Weed Smoker was also a little too quick to suggest that I cancel my eHarmony account and stop dating others immediately because he's going to be my man. I laughed the first, second and third times he said it ... like, he really can't be serious. And there's more: He may either be very impatient or obsessive, based on something that happened today. He called my phone this afternoon while I was busy on another call. He then sent a text (in all capital letters) immediately afterwards, which I recieved and intended to reply to when I was free. But then, not even 30 minutes later, he called again (I let it go to voicemail). And that annoyed me.

Fortunately for me, my experience with Weed Smoker has not been the norm in the one week-plus since I signed up for eHarmony. Not even a week after creating my account, I had my first date with a guy I met on the site.

Not bad for just a few days' work.

The date was okay. We met at a restaurant and had drinks and appetizers. It was a tad bit boring, and I'm not sure if there are sparks there. But now that a few days have passed, I think perhaps the guy--we'll call him Southern Gentleman--is just a little shy because he's been texting me since then and he's clearly interested. So I've decided I would go out with him again if he asks.

So, Weed Smoker aside, I'm pleased with the online dating experience so far, having just begun Week 2. But I have to say that it's becoming a bit overwhelming. Every day, eHarmony sends me five or six new matches. And every day I get more requests to communicate from new guys.
I simply can't keep up.

As I type this, I am currently in the "communication" phase with eight different guys, not including the two I described above. I also have 36 matches who I haven't started communicating with but who eHarmony thinks could be potential matches. And those numbers don't count the matches who have been "closed" for various reasons.

Put simply, it's a lot to take in.

Still, I will stick with it, at least through the end of the one-month period that I've paid for.

And hopefully I won't run into any more undercover weed smokers.

TALK BACK: For people who've tried online dating, have you later discovered that potential matches were less than truthful on their profiles? Have you ever lied on your online dating profile?

Domestic Abuse: When Harm Goes Both Ways

2009-10-28T15:47:00.010-04:00

Every 15 seconds, a woman is severely assaulted by her male partner, according to research compiled by Yale University. And every 14.6 seconds, a man is assaulted by his female partner.

Does the statistic on assaults on men by women surprise you?

That was the subject of a recent episode of the Tyra show. Two women featured on the show regularly become so hostile that they hit their boyfriends upside the head or even push them down the stairs out of anger.

The men, wisely in my opinion, announced on the show that they could no longer take the abuse. (In one case, the man had long ago exited the relationship, while the other guy just mustered up the courage to leave his child's mother.)

Tyra pointed out that men who are the victims of domestic abuse are not that different from abused women. They stay despite the continuing abuse and make up stories for the inevitable bruises and scars that draw attention from coworkers, family and friends. Some tell the truth about how they were injured; others make up fictional stories about their wounds. ("I broke up a fight between my cousins," one guy said he told coworkers.)

What Tyra said about abused men behaving similarly as abused women rang so true to me. I have seen an episode--thankfully just one episode--of domestic violence firsthand. It wasn't a clear-cut case of female-male abuse or male-female abuse -- Instead, I'd say it involved a bit of both.

At the time, I lived in a condo building and had made friends with a neighbor who lived with her boyfriend in the same building. On the night in question, that girlfriend picked a fight with her boyfriend. It clearly wasn't the first time they'd had a physical fight--after all, she was way too comfortable calling him a bitch and other names that I won't mention here.

And for his part, her boyfriend seemed to snap very quickly into hostile mode, and he knocked her to the ground in our parking lot several times. I tried (all 5'2 of me) numerous times to get him to stop hitting and rough handling her. But he just pushed me out of the way. And every time she had a chance to get away from him, she just went right back again, cursing, yelling, even hitting him back.

I call this an episode of abuse that went both ways because while her boyfriend, at approximately 6'4, clearly had the upper hand over her petite, slim frame, she was every bit the instigator. I hate to say it, but it was almost like she enjoyed it, cursing at him over and over again, hitting him, knowing that it would fuel his anger. (She would later tell me that the episode I observed was the first time they fought that way. Yeah, right.)

But when it got to the point where he was straddling her on the ground, his fist raised to begin punching her, I yelled at her boyfriend's friend--who up until that point had just been sitting in his car, engine idling, watching as his friend beat my friend up--to please stop him. And he did.

Later that evening, my friend went to stay with family, claiming she was never going back to her boyfriend.

That lasted about a day. Her boyfriend bought her roses, told her he loved her and that he was sorry, and a few months later, she was pregnant with his child.

This all happened about two years ago. My friend and I had only known each other a few months when the beatdown occurred in the parking lot. I kept in touch with her while she was pregnant but have since moved away from the building that she and her boyfriend live in, and honestly, I've distanced myself from her. That situation was just too intense.

And to be honest, I don't know that I'd put myself out to help if I observed a similar situation again. That night, I knew I wouldn't have felt right about walking away. But in a case where both partners seem to enjoy abusing each other, I have to question whether it's worth it to intervene.

TALK BACK: Would you intervene if a friend and his or her partner were physically fighting in front of you? Why or why not?

You Love Him But You Hate Him: Houston, We Have A Pattern

2009-10-27T15:47:00.003-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

One of the greatest philosophers of modern time once asked, "Do we date the same man over and over again?"

And damn it, Carrie Bradshaw was correct. We do. (Question her cultural significance if you want to. Her laptop is behind glass at the Smithsonian.)

Seriously, though, for some reason, the things that turn us on about the people we choose to get romantically involved with are probably linked hand-in-hand with the things that we can't stand about them.

I have something that I call, "Nina's Theory of Traits We Love and Hate." For each personality trait, there's two sides to the coin.

For instance, there were some recurring character traits that about 90 percent of the men I've dated and/or actually claimed as my man had. I'm going to give you my top two:

Confidence/Arrogance. Every man I've seriously attached myself to had a ridiculous air of confidence and swagger that either gained the admiration of others, or just turned folks off completely. In some cases, people just misunderstood the man, yet in others, they were dead on.

Some guys I dated were indeed jerks. Period.

Usually the men that I dated had something about them that gave them a reason to feel confident or arrogant. They were all very smart. They were all quick witted, and spoke well but could switch to slang with ease. They traveled, were well-read, had interesting jobs and were attractive. In some cases, maybe it washateration on other people's part, but in other cases, maybe my men were showing off just a little bit.

But when confidence curdles like old milk, it turns to arrogance, and that's usually that's tinged with the self belief that you are indeed better and smarter than everyone else. And that, my friends, is not attractive. But it can lurk on the other side of the confidence coin.

Back to confidence, confident men are happy for you when you are doing well, even if he's not at the moment. Confident men don't have to know where you are and who you are with all the time (but they'd like to know every now and then, only to make sure you got home safely). Confident men don't even mind if other men respectfully admire their women (they kind of think it's cool).

Creativity. A dear friend once told me, if a man has a talent, I am on him like white on rice. So, OK, yes, I tend to have a thing for writers, painters, musicians (that actually play instruments, not making beats or raps, FYI), and guys with a sharp sense of humor.

Boy are these men passionate, and when you watch them do their thing, it almost makes you want to quit your job and pursue your dreams deferred, like being a dolphin-watching tour guide or something. And when they are flourishing, they are on top of the world. Nothing can stop them, and you both are enjoying the ride.

Unfortunately, these creative types are often broke in pursuit of these dreams, and oftentimes they lose touch with reality (i.e. student loans, steady employment). Sometimes they get so wrapped up in their dream, and the fact that they are so talented that they tend to get particularly moody when others "with far less talent" are all up in what should be their spotlight. Hence, they take their crap out on you. It's even worse if you are successful.

So here are some other examples of when good traits go bad. Let it marinate:

Good: He loves his mamma.
Bad: He's a mamma's boy.

Good: He has drive/goals and works hard.
Bad: He doesn't make time for a personal life, and that includes you. He also thinks the only thing better than having money is having more money.

Good: He is honest.
Bad: He lacks tact (can't tell the difference between being honest and being rude or mean).

Good: He "ain't no punk."
Bad: He picks fights and is unnecessarily confrontational.

TALK BACK: What is on your list of "dimmer" characteristics (things that simultaneously turn you "on" and "off" in the people you date)? What are the good/bad common threads among the people you've dated in the past?

Why I Decided to Try Online Dating

2009-10-26T13:39:00.009-04:00

I've been known to say I'd never try online dating. Too many crazies in the world, I said, and if I start finding dates online, I'm bound to run into trouble. Plus, why would I pay a monthly fee to find dates?

But recently I realized that I attract crazy people, jerks, and losers anyway--in real life, just by going about my daily business. I'm not hurting for dates, but crazies and married/engaged/taken men seem to like me. So what do I have to lose by trying online dating?

Probably not much.

And given my track record, I guess I could use a little help.

So on Saturday, I created an eHarmony account. I chose eHarmony because they claim to match you with people who they think you're most likely to be compatible with, based on how you respond to a long list of questions you must answer when you sign up for the site.

eHarmony seems to gradually match you up with people. It matched me with five people the first day, another five or six on Sunday, and another five or six people today. The site allows users to go through each person's profile, view their descriptions, their answers to a pre-set list of questions, and their photos. If you don't like that person's profile, you can "close" the match out--another way of saying, "I'm just not that into you."

But if you are interested, you can opt to send an "icebreaker"--chosen from a list of cute sayings such as, "I like your smile," or "Hey, I enjoyed your profile. Let's chat!" Or, you can choose to start the communication process using either "guided" communication (a tedious process that involves sending two short lists of questions to your potential mate, as well as a list of likes/dislikes), or if you're really feeling the person, you can ask to "fast track" the process, which takes you straight to being able to send "open" messages through eHarmony's in-house e-mail system. That way, you're communicating with the person, but they don't actually have your personal contact information.

And that's as far as I've gotten so far. I am "communicating" with five potential matches--three of those conversations are still in the "guided" process, where we're exchanging information via our answers to each other's pre-selected questions. One conversation has finished the guided process and progressed into "open" communication on eHarmony's website, but that guy is kind of boring me, to be honest. And the fifth guy (who has a very nice smile) sent me a request to "fast track" our conversation today, skipping the guided process altogether. After I accepted his request, he sent me one nice note this morning. I just responded, so I'm awaiting his reply.

I also have 13 other guys with whom I've been matched by eHarmony but who I haven't contacted yet, and they haven't reached out to me yet, either. (And there are a few guys who I "closed" out for various reasons upon seeing their profiles.)

I'm trying to be open during this process. I don't expect a guy to look like LL Cool J, Maxwell, or Tyson Beckford. But he does have to include a photo on his profile in order for me not to "close" communication with him. After all, if you know what I look like, why shouldn't I know what you look like?

One guy in particular appears to be adorable. Tall, handsome--a dog lover who doesn't appear to take himself too seriously. (I have a small toy poodle, and I like being around people who enjoy life, despite its pitfalls.) Of course, now that I said that, he'll probably prove to be disappointing. Ha.

But even if that one doesn't work out, I'll stick with eHarmony for the next month or two to see what happens. If nothing else, I figure it'll be good fodder for the FabFem blog. I'll keep you posted.

TALK BACK: Have you ever tried online dating? Why or why not? And if so, did you meet a good match?

Good Hair: 5 Tips for Weave Wearers and Those Who Love Them

2009-10-25T20:22:00.005-04:00

I spend roughly $300 every 6-8 weeks on my hair, and I used to think I was paying too much. That is, until I saw Good Hair at the movies this weekend and learned that many normal, everyday women--not celebrities or people making tons of money--are paying $1,000 just to get one weave installed.

Seriously?

But the thing is, I really wasn't all that impressed with how that $1,000 weave looked in the movie. It just looked fake to me, like not even halfway believable. Why would I ever pay $1,000 for that?

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against weaves. Since I was a teenager, I've worn my hair all sorts of ways--in microbraids, lacing (invisible braids), box braids, tree braids, and weaves. In fact, I've tried most things except for wigs. My natural hair is soft, barely holds a curl, and breaks off easily, so wearing these styles protects it and keeps it healthy. And I really just have one requirement: Whatever style I choose has to look as natural as possible. I want people to wonder if it's my hair, not automatically assume it's a weave.

I'm no hair stylist, but I've learned quite a few things from regularly wearing my hair in braids and weaves over the years. Here are 5 pieces of advice for weave wearers and their friends and loved ones:

1. Leave weave maintenance to the professionals. Whether you're getting your hair relaxed using the so-called "creamy crack" or getting it straightened with a pressing comb, the key is to make sure your real hair--even if just a little bit of it is left out--blends well with the weave hair. So schedule follow-up appointments with your hair stylist--and do not get a weave if you do not have time or money to go back to the salon because your hair will start looking a hot mess after a few weeks. Most of us simply don't have the tools (or the necessary skills) at home to get the weave hair to look as good as the stylist can. (A tip: In my opinion, buying a Bed Head TIGI Stick helps out a lot with blending the natural/weave hair at home in between salon appointments.)

2. If you like my hair, thanks, but please keep it classy. It's rude to start a conversation by asking, "Is that your hair?"--as a pharmacist at my local pharmacy did recently, right before telling me how cute she thought my hair was. Instead, try saying, "I like your hair. Where did you get it done?" That's complimentary, simple and to the point.

3. If you see a style you love but know other people who already have it, try to put your own spin on it. If you're like me and like to look different from the crowd, there are plenty of ways to make yourself stand out. So visit the beauty supply store and take a spin through the hair aisle to see what you can do to create a style that fits what you want but also gives you some individuality.

4. Co-workers and friends, please don't ask how our hair grew so fast. As someone so appropriately noted in Good Hair, our hair does not grow 10 inches overnight. If it appears that way, yes, it's probably a weave or braids with extensions, and no, we don't want to talk about it with you.

5. Brothas, please follow Chris Rock's advice and do NOT touch our hair. We understand you're hip to the game and know that the hair hanging down our backs is probably not ours--and perhaps you even paid to get it done--but that doesn't mean we want you to touch it. And a final word of advice: Never, ever, ever ask your lady if she is wearing a weave. Just be happy that it looks good and keep it moving.

TALK BACK: Do you think Good Hair did a good job of portraying the issues black women face in styling their hair? Was anything missing that you'd like to see covered in a future documentary?

Why You Should Facebook the Guy You Just Met

2009-10-22T11:34:00.008-04:00

There is an opinion piece on Black and Married With Kids today about whether you should Facebook a guy you've just recently met. The writer suggests that you should never Facebook on a first date. My response? You absolutely should.

Now, my opinion on this topic comes from personal experience. I've learned the hard way that men--when they're interested in a new woman--aren't always totally honest about their current relationship status. Just recently I met a man who told me that he was single. I believed him--that is, until we became Facebook friends. That's when I saw that his page listed him as "in a relationship" and that he'd posted a photo of himself with his girlfriend.

When I asked him about this, he told me it was a "new" relationship, which made absolutely no difference to me because the end result was the same: He had a girlfriend. We had a date scheduled for the very day that I found this information on Facebook, so it really came just in the nick of time. I immediately canceled the date and informed him that his Facebook page had told on him.

But that's the beauty of Facebook--many people mindlessly post their relationship statuses without giving much thought to how this could affect them in the future. So for the man who is trying to be slick and meet women outside of his relationship or marriage, Facebook can serve as a warning to women to stay far, far away.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

You see, it's hard enough being a single woman and having to weed out the crazies, the jerks, the guys who are just trying to get in your pants. So I'm thankful for any resource that gives me the pertinent information--such as true relationship status--with the click of a mouse.

As for the BMWK writer's concern that Facebook provides too much information for potential dates, the answer is simple: Use Facebook privacy settings. You have total control over how much information people see on your page. Your closest friends might be able to see all of your photos, wall posts, status updates and links, for example, but you can restrict people you don't know that well so that they can't see your wall posts or status updates or even your photos.

And as for tagging a guy you've just met--as the BMWK writer did--in a photo? I'd advise against it. I recently could've done the same--after a birthday party where I met a new guy who I dubbed my Prince Charming for the evening--but I did not tag him in the many photos in which he was captured in the album of 60-plus pictures that I posted on Facebook afterwards. Why? Because I simply don't know him like that. He's aware of the album and can tag himself if he'd like, but I'm not going to do it for him.

While I believe in being Facebook friends with new guys (though I reserve the right to delete them later if things don't work out), I won't send the guy a friend request unless Facebook comes up during conversation and he tells me he has a page. That doesn't mean I won't do a quick search beforehand to see if I can find his page on my own--because some people leave their pages public and you can see their information without having to friend them. But he doesn't have to know that I've searched for him.

Still, not everyone lists a relationship status on Facebook. And in that case, you're just going to have to rely on good, old womanly instincts (and FabFem's list of 7 Ways to Tell if a Man is Married, Engaged or Otherwise Taken).

[For more on the dilemma Facebook poses for budding relationships, please read yesterday's post by Guest Blogger Nina Lovehall.]

TALK BACK: Do you "friend" people you're dating on Facebook? Why or why not?

In a Relationship? It's None of Facebook's Business

2009-10-21T14:17:00.014-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

I recently read a great blog from Black and Married With Kids in which the writer talks about how he won't friend his wife on Facebook. I totally agree with his theory.

The blogger said that in the beginning, being on FB with wifey was kind of cute. But it stopped being cute when old classmates from second grade started chiming in on his wife's comments or trying to get in on their inside jokes. He also wasn't a fan when his wife would sometimes hijack his account and change his statuses to stuff like, "My wife is the best."

I've noticed that people who are not even married are having to deal with how to handle their relationship status on Facebook. I actually know people who started off budding relationships on a bad foot because they had arguments about why one person wants to put down he or she is in a relationship, while the other person wants to keep his or her status as single. The offended party took this as the new beau not wanting to acknowledge their relationship publicly, and having something to hide-- not wanting to tell his female friends (one of which included his ex) that he was off the market.

But sometimes, the significant other really doesn't have anything to hide. They'd just rather not deal with hundreds of unimportant people all up in their business, especially when it comes to someone special. I've seen people purposely write ridiculous stuff to folks who are in relationships just to see if they will get a rise out of the new boyfriend or girlfriend. And I've been surprised quite a few times at people I'm not that cool with commenting on random, unimportant stuff anyway because that means that they actually paid attention.

I've also seen people in relationships change their status to single just to piss their loved one off during a private spat, which has now officially become public and ugly. In a matter of seconds, hundreds, maybe even thousands of people have seen the "Nina Lovehall is no longer in a relationship" with that cracked heart icon in the news feed, and now you are getting blown up on your wall with posts like, "girl you didn't need him anyway." Or "Nina, call me, it's Rodney. I will console you girl." This type of game-playing further infuriates your loved one, putting your relationship in very real danger off of something that Jerry Springer guests often say "could have been handled at home."

I've also seen male friends have to tell female Facebook friends they may have went on one or two dates with to stop harassing them about every comment or photo they had posted involving other women. It's gotten that ugly. One friend even had to tell a girl not to put a photo of them together as her profile pic or actually refer to him as her man, boo or anything else in her statuses. That may be a real extreme case, but you are bound to see just about everything on Facebook.

When it comes to Facebook, I take the Beyonce Carter approach. I don't discuss it. Am I in a relationship? Hmmm. Wouldn't you like to know?

But here's my history with relationship statuses: After a difficult breakup where my ex and I had many mutual and professional friends on Facebook, I was able to slink away unscathed with not so much as a question after removing "in a relationship" to not having a relationship status posted in my profile at all. I was terrified that if I changed it to "single" it would show up on the news feeds, and the questions and condolences would come flying in. At the time, I just wanted the comfort of my solitude with only small doses from my closest, closest friends. Not someone I met during an internship years ago.

Personally, for the sake of argument, IF I am with someone, I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I don't need to say I'm in a relationship in a status including his name, and I don't need him to shout me out, either. It keeps the riff raff out of our relationship, and it keeps folks from trying to start some mess (i.e. obvious flirtatious wall posts, etc). I wouldn't even wax on and on about how I can't wait to see my boo later either in a status update. You'd be surprised at how petty people are. I've even seen folks get real nasty during a divorce on Facebook too. Just ugly.

My suggestion: As retarded as I think the whole Facebook-change-your-status-if-you-really-love-me fight is, it's a valid concern for some folks in this age of social networking. It's necessary to have the, "Wow, do we do Facebook?" conversation with someone you're seeing, just as if you are asking about their allergies or religion.

People have different theories. Some prefer the Bey/Jay kind of Facebook relationship, where it's no one's business, you don't deny or confirm, but when you see them together in real life, you know what the deal is. Some people like to tell the world and comment on each other's pages ad nauseam and constantly stalk the other person's page to make sure people aren't disrespecting their relationship and maybe even telling offenders to quit it. Some people feel like full public disclosure prevents sneaky behavior and helps them mark their territory.

But whatever you do, you've got to agree on what works for your relationship that makes everyone comfortable and secure. If you go the Heidi and Spencer public route, just be prepared for public comment on almost everything during, and even after, the relationship. (Damn that cracked heart in the news feed!)

As for me, the next time Facebook actually sees my relationship status ever again, it's going to say "married (now mind your business)."

TALK BACK: Should couples be friends on social networking sites and report their relationship status? And if your significant other doesn't want to announce your relationship online, do you assume that he or she is up to no good and/or unsure about your relationship?

Introducing Guest Blogger Nina Lovehall

2009-10-21T14:14:00.006-04:00

By: Guest Blogger NINA LOVEHALL

I'm Nina Lovehall. Yeah, that name sounds vaguely familiar, but not quite right, huh, Love Jones fans?

In the movie that came out in the late 90s, the character's name was actually Nina Mosley (played wonderfully by the fabulous Nia Long), and Nina Lovehall would have been her last name if she actually married the other main character, Darius Lovehall (played by the perpetually young-looking Larenz Tate--he has to be in is what, late 40s by now?).

The end of the movie kind of leaves you hanging, wondering if they got past all of their flaws and hang ups for real and actually tied the knot after all that kissing in the rain in the closing scene.

I named myself that because I, like many of you reading this blog, still believe in the dream of finding a partner who is going to love you unconditionally, be your rock when you need it and help you raise brilliant, beautiful children someday. So even though none of us knows what happened to Nina and Darius, the name is kind of an affirmation that even though none of us know how this love thing is going to turn out, we are going to get our happy ending, and won't mind getting our hair wet because we found the real thing.

So anyway, from time to time, to give my girl FabFem a break, I'm going to put my two cents in about relationships and the pursuit of a good one.

A Honey-Do List With No Honey

2009-10-20T21:52:00.003-04:00

I'm a girly girl. I don't like manual labor. I don't fix things around the house (or with my car). And I don't like to lift heavy objects. I even once recruited a (very cute) man at Lowe's to put down roach bait in my condo because I was too afraid that a bug would get me if I did it alone.

Yet here I am, stuck with a honey-do list with no honey to complete the tasks. I have a heavy bin full of my summer shoes that needs to be carried up my spiral staircase and taken into my storage room, and a lamp high above my condo's entryway that needs new light bulbs. My closet door is slightly off track and could use a little tweaking. Oh, and my ceiling fan? The chain fell off of that a few weeks ago. So who is going to fix it? Probably not me, that's for sure.

It occurred to me today that it would be really useful to have a guy around right now. But why didn't I think of that before I got rid of the stragglers? Sigh.

But then again, Cutie With Attitude wouldn't have helped me out around the house anyway. He might have broken a sweat, for goodness sake, and Lawd knows he wouldn't want that. And Super Texter? Well, he would've helped, but it wouldn't have been long before he was cursing me out by text message again.

So I guess I'll be lugging the storage bin up the stairs myself one of these days. And I'll take a trip to Lowe's for new light bulbs. Maybe I'll get lucky--as I did with the stop at Lowe's for roach bait--and find a handsome man there who can come handle my honey-do list for me.

Cleaning House: Cutting Stragglers Off & Starting Anew

2009-10-20T01:02:00.008-04:00

I'm not looking for perfection. I don't believe such a thing exists. I have my flaws, and I know that every man has his quirks. So I try to weigh the good with the bad and separate quirkiness from crazy, though lately I've been attracting the latter.

In the past two days alone, I've had to cut off two different guys. One was Super Texter. And I didn't cut him off because he was late for a date--That was minor and I was over it as soon as it happened. No, he had to go because of his extreme emotional reactions to benign situations. It was borderline scary. His pattern is to flip out on me about once a month (I've known him three months) and then apologize profusely a week or two later. My friends began joking that I was setting myself up to become the subject of a Lifetime movie. Even my dad--when I told him about Super Texter--said to run, not walk, away.

And then there was another guy, we'll call him Cutie With Attitude, who was probably one of the most attractive men I've ever dated, but his attitude simply sucked. Seriously, what a waste of a fine specimen of a man. You see, Cutie With Attitude believes that women should be happy that he even calls them. So if months (yes, months) go by and you don't see him, you shouldn't trip.

Then there was Cutie With Attitude's total lack of consideration for the most basic things. Now let me be clear: I'm pretty self sufficient, even when I'm sick, so there are no expectations here. But if you're a man who claims to be interested in me, the least you can do is fake the funk. However, Cutie With Attitude couldn't even manage that. If I was sick, which has been more often than usual in the last year or so, he never asked if I needed anything. He barely even called to make sure I was alive.

So there were two different issues with Super Texter and Cutie With Attitude. Super Texter was kind and considerate most of the time, but he turned crazy--like, seemingly mentally unstable--when things didn't go his way. Cutie With Attitude didn't appear to be crazy, but he was arrogant, self absorbed and totally and utterly inconsiderate.

If only there were a machine where you could morph the "good" qualities of two different men into one human being. A girl can dream, can't she?

But as I write this, I feel like I made a good decision on both fronts. I just celebrated a birthday, and it was time to clean house for the year ahead. These two guys have taught me more about what I can tolerate and what I can't when it comes to guys. So I guess it wasn't a total loss.

TALK BACK: Are there dealbreakers that annoy you so much that you've stopped dating someone because of them? Holla at me in the comments section or on the FabFem Facebook fan page.

30 Minutes Late? Sorry, the Date is Canceled

2009-10-18T23:37:00.009-04:00

Are there any gentlemen left in the world? The guys who show up on time, come to your door to pick you up, make dinner reservations -- you know, actually put some thought and effort into dating?

I wondered this tonight, as my date for the evening arrived nearly a half hour late and attempted to summon me to his car with a text message that said, "Come down."

I should note that I am a bit of a stickler for being on time. So when it comes to dating, I'm easily annoyed by guys who have no respect for a woman's time. I have a 30-minute limit on how long I'll wait for a guy before canceling a date.

Back to tonight: I had a date scheduled with Super Texter, who promised that this would be the date to make up for him flipping out on me via text message on my birthday two weeks ago.

So you'd think, since he was so sorry for all that happened on my birthday, that he'd bring his "A" Game today, right?

Wrong.

Super Texter told me he'd be picking me up at 7:30 p.m. for dinner. Fine, I said. And I was dressed (and hungry) by 7:30. But soon it was 7:50 and still no word from Super Texter. Then my phone went off with that text message instructing me to come down to his car. So now Super Texter was not only nearly a half hour late, but he was summoning me to his car by text message.

I don't think so.

So I replied: "I'm not going. You're almost a half hour late. And texting me to tell me to come to the car is rude."

It just got uglier from there. You see, Super Texter's M.O. seems to be to insult you when you do something he doesn't like. He "ordered" me a birthday gift--one he still doesn't have in his possession (I repeat: My birthday was two weeks ago)--so I shouldn't have tripped about him being late today, he said. Is he really serious?

Still, I never get a good feeling from having to walk away from a date this way, but I also feel like it's something I need to do out of respect for myself. I once walked out of a restaurant because a guy had me waiting for more than 30 minutes. Even the waiter started looking at me crazy, as if the date I said was coming was all in my head.

In that situation, just as I was pulling out of the parking lot, the guy I was supposed to meet was pulling in. I felt a little bit bad for leaving, but not bad enough to stay. He should've showed up on time or let me know he was running late. And I feel the same way about Super Texter.

TALK BACK: How do you handle it when a date is late? Do you have a cutoff time before you'll cancel? And when a man comes to get you from your home, do you believe he should come to the door to greet you? Let me know in the comments section.

7 Ways to Tell If A Man Is Married, Engaged Or Otherwise Taken

2009-10-18T00:13:00.010-04:00

Among my friends, I'm the one who tends to attract men who are married, engaged, or involved in a relationship. If there's a married guy in the room out to cheat on his wife, he's probably going to approach me.

But here's the thing. They never admit that they're married. Or engaged. Or that they have a girlfriend. That is, until they're confronted about it. Somehow, I think they believe that women are stupid and won't see the signs. And while I may have been fooled in the past (more on that to come in a future blog post), I'm older and wiser now and you have to work really hard to fool me. I know that just because the guy isn't wearing a ring doesn't rule out him having a wife at home.

Still, the boldness of some men astonishes me at times. There's the guy who I found out was married via Google because his wife had created a wedding website when they got married. And there was another guy who begged me and a friend to meet him at the bar at a lounge we were at, while his wife was just a few feet away. There was also the guy who became my facebook friend, and then I promptly noticed that he described himself as being "in a relationship" on his page and he had pictures of himself with a woman who he called his "lady" in the photo captions. (He told me he was single when we met. Then, when I confronted him about his facebook relationship status, he admitted he had a girlfriend -- but he still asked me repeatedly to go on a date. No way, I said. I want my own man, not someone else's.)

And those are just a few examples.

So from my experiences, I offer 7 tips for how to tell if a man is married, engaged or committed, even if he won't admit it.

1. He only calls you while he's at work or when he's in transit. Ever met a guy who is only reachable during the hours of 9 to 5, Monday through Friday? Perhaps he might send a text when he's not at work, but talking to him is out of the question outside of business hours? Leave him alone, girl. He's either married or he's in a serious enough relationship that he practically lives with his girlfriend. The same goes for men who only call you when they're driving to/from work but never when they're actually at home.

2. He is super slow to respond to phone calls and text messages. This suggests that he has to wait until he's away from his woman before he can talk to you. He's making an effort to pull the wool over your eyes by eventually responding, but constant delays mean something fishy is going on.

3. He won't give you his phone number. This is a dead giveaway. While many people have ditched home phones, most people these days at least have a cellphone number that they're willing to give out.

4. He gives you a cellphone number that is usually powered off, so it goes straight to voicemail. This could be a pimp move--Keeping a cellphone that he reserves just for the women he has on the side. But when he's with his main woman, that phone gets powered off. You can bet his main woman has his primary cellphone number, though!

5. When you meet him, he says he will memorize your number rather than write it down or put it in his cellphone. This is the guy who can't put your number in his phone, for fear that one of his wife's friends might see it happening. Believe it or not, this actually happened to me. It was a guy who claimed he was single and took up about an hour of my time at a hot party. At the end of the night, he asked for my number. I asked to see his cellphone so I could plug my number in. He wouldn't give it to me. He said he'd "memorize" my number. I knew at that point he was taken, but I decided to see how it played out. (Meanwhile, I told my girlfriend that I expected to hear from him between the hours of 9-5, per Rule No. 1.) He did indeed call me once *from work,* just as I predicted. I saw him out again recently, and I asked him if he was married. He said yes, and I walked away.

6. He won't spend the night. Come on ladies, if the relationship gets this far and the man will not spend the night, you should be asking yourself where he is going to lay his head at night. Don't allow yourself to be the woman he sleeps with just before going home to his girlfriend or his wife.

7. You've never been to his house. I believe that part of getting to know someone is seeing how they're living and where they're living. That doesn't mean that you should accept dates that never occur outside of the house. But you should get to the man's home--and soon. If he doesn't invite you to come to his house, and he provides lame excuses for why you can't come by, there could be another lady living there already.

Did I miss anything? If you have additional tips for how to spot men who are married, engaged, or otherwise taken, please post them in the comments section.

No, You Can't Come to My House

2009-10-17T16:41:00.003-04:00

I can't stand a man who invites himself over to my house when we've just met.

There, I said it.

I'm not talking about the guy who's established himself in my life, the one who has the potential to be my man, the one who's earned the right to lay around with me on my couch to watch movies or TV. No, I'm talking about the guy I literally just met who thinks it's OK to not only invite himself over, but cop an attitude if I balk at the suggestion.

There was one guy, we'll call him Bold Boy, who I met while out running errands one afternoon. A few days after we met, he called me. I silently hoped he'd ask me out on a date.

Instead, Bold Boy said, "So, um, you got any movies at your house?"

Me: "Why?"

Bold Boy: "Because I was going to come over so we could watch movies. I don't have my TV set up at my house."

Me: "We just met, so you can't come to my house. Sorry."

You would think that Bold Boy would've taken the hint, but sadly, he did not. Eventually, I asked him to stop calling me when he told me that he was on vacation from work and did not feel like being bothered with taking a woman (read: me) out at all. Period. End of story. It wasn't that finances were an issue, he said, it was just that he simply wanted to "chill." So I asked him to go chill and lose my number.

Bold Boy, like many of the men I've come across, expected me to feel guilty for wanting to be taken on a date outside of my (or his) house. But fortunately for me, my parents taught me better than that.

Let me be clear: A simple date is fine -- a picnic in the park, a bite to eat at a reasonably priced sports bar or restaurant. I am really not hard to please.

I just have one real requirement: We do need to leave the house.

Is that too much to ask?

My Car Needs A Man

2009-10-15T15:41:00.001-04:00

I know just enough about cars to get by. I can't change a flat tire. Don't know how to check the oil. I can't even put air in my own tires. When it comes to that stuff, as sad as it sounds, I look for the closest man for help.

And I get it honestly. A conversation with my mom just this week revealed that she, too, is clueless when it comes to many car-related matters. I recently explained to her the importance of getting an oil change every few months and getting your tires balanced and rotated.

But I digress. This is about the big stuff. The big-ticket car repairs that, it seems, end up better when a man handles them.

When something major goes wrong with my car, I don't have that luxury. Being a single woman and having moved away from my hometown more than eight years ago, I'm on my own when it's time to put the car in the shop. So I trust mechanics to fix it, whatever "it" may be. But a few recent mishaps have me wondering if sometimes it really is better to have a masculine touch for such situations. Perhaps it's a macho thing -- Men feel like they can "relate" to one another, so they explain the needed repairs fully and don't cut any corners.

For instance, if I, as a woman, tell the auto repair shop, "I hear the brakes making a squeaking noise every now and then," I can feel the skepticism hanging in the air. Several months ago, I told my auto repair shop just that, and because they didn't hear a similar noise themselves when they took my car for a test drive, they wrote my concerns off.

Well, it turns out--in this case anyway--that the woman (read: ME) was right. Just a couple of months later, I learned that my brakes were indeed failing because they were wearing unevenly. But might this problem have been found earlier--at a much cheaper cost to me--had they taken my concern seriously in the first place? And if I were a man, would they have been less likely to believe that the brake noise that I complained of was all in my head? I think that's a real possibility.

All of that is of little consolation to me, though. For now anyway, I'm still on my own when it comes to car repairs, unless someone comes up with a rent-a-man business just for this sort of situation.

Google Yourself

2009-10-14T16:55:00.003-04:00

Google yourself. It may sound odd, maybe a bit narcissistic. But don't you want to know what others will find out about you if they type your name into the most popular search engine in the world?

This is even more important, I think, if you believe that you have something to hide. Case in point: A guy who gave me his business card a couple of months ago. He called and texted regularly for several days after we met, and we were making plans for a first date. Then one day as I cleaned out my purse, I came across his business card again. So I decided to Google him.

What came up first wasn't your typical search result -- you know, perhaps a LinkedIn or Facebook page, maybe a blog.

No, what I saw first on the search results page was a link to his -- wait for it -- wedding website (!). Mind you, he told me he was single when we met.

So I texted him since he'd just sent me a text message a few minutes prior to when I made that discovery.

Me: "Are you married?" (I figured I'd give him another chance to give me the correct answer.)

Him: "Why do you ask?"

Me: "Why do I ask? Because there's a wedding website that says you got married on Oct. 15, 2007."

Him: "Oh. I'm separated. Let's talk about this later."

Needless to say, I never heard from him again.

The moral of the story? Always Google yourself so you don't get caught off guard like this guy.

Call Me, Don't Text Me

2009-10-14T14:55:00.005-04:00

I'll admit it: I think texting is a great invention. It allows us to communicate quick messages when we can't talk or don't have time for long conversations.

But, I fear, texting has also allowed us to get lazy when it comes to dating and relationships. Don't feel like having an uncomfortable conversation? Just text the message instead. Afraid of how the other person might respond? Just get to typing. And finally, here is a pet peeve of mine: Asking a woman out for a date via text. (Fellas, please don't make a habit of this, especially if it's a first date. It's tacky.)

I recently dated a guy--we'll call him Super Texter--who preferred to communicate via text message. He worked in a facility where he was not allowed to talk on his cellphone. So if he wanted to talk with me, he often texted. He texted me in the morning to say good morning, midday to see how my day was going and at night to wish me sweet dreams. We talked on the phone, too, but not nearly as often as we texted. Then one day, we got into an argument via text -- on my birthday. And rather than pick up the phone and call, Super Texter escalated the argument via text messaging, even when I asked him to stop. I eventually asked him to never contact me again. (Notice I used the word, "contact," because if I'd said, "call," the door would still be open for him to text me.)

Well, not even two weeks later, I received seven back-to-back text messages from Super Texter at 2 a.m. on a work night. I was not happy. This time, he was apologizing for the argument he'd started via text a week and a half earlier, but why did his apology also have to come via text? Why does Super Texter seem to not quite get that actually talking to me would probably be a smarter way to go?

But that's the good thing about texting. As the recipient of such messages, I can choose to reply...or not reply. In this case, I chose the latter. Of course, that means Super Texter is still trying to reach me, but will he ever actually pick up the phone to have a real, live conversation with me?

Only time will tell.

UPDATE 10/15/09: Super Texter did the unthinkable -- He called me this morning to ask me for a date to talk things out!

UPDATE 10/18/09: The date did not go well.

UPDATE 10/20/09: The end of Super Texter.